I Don't Feel Connected To My Husband Anymore: Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband

If you've found yourself in a marriage without intimacy, it is time to take the situation as seriously as is warranted. This is a huge warning alarm that there is something amiss in the marriage, and something needs to be done to solve the problem. If you don't take steps now, when you first realize you are in a marriage without intimacy, the time to save the marriage may pass you by.

You and your spouse chose each other and vowed to remain together for the rest of your lives. Marriage is an expression of a deep and solid connection. You've been supportive of one another, always the others biggest fan, but that is not enough. Intimacy is the other half of married life and a marriage without intimacy is like half a marriage. If you've noticed a decrease in the intimacy of your marriage, it is time to sit down and have some serious dialogue with your spouse.

You and your spouse need to come together to try to figure out what is going wrong in the marriage. There could be many reasons for a change from a solid marriage to a marriage without intimacy. Are there any health issues that could be behind these problems? Are you just too busy with your own life that you haven't made time for your spouse? Are you or your spouse seeing someone else? Or is the marriage simply fading?

There are many questions you will need to ask yourself should you find yourself in a marriage without intimacy. You and your spouse need to be honest and open with each other, to determine what happened in the marriage that allowed the intimacy to fall by the wayside. Don't leave this problem to fester, if you want to save your marriage, you need to fix the problems before it is too late.

A marriage without intimacy is essentially only half a marriage. You need to see the warning signs and make an effort to save your marriage. If you let these issues fester, chances are, you are headed for that big "D" that none of us want - a divorce.

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If you neglect intimacy in your marriage, you will grow apart, and have a dry marriage. The time to work on intimacy in your marriage is now! The kinds of intimacy in marriage are:

1. Vocational Intimacy: This is not about working together in the same place; it is about sharing your mind about your jobs or career, getting to know one or two things about your spouse job, office, colleague, challenges, and prospect. Generally, carrying each other along about your careers.

2. Domestic Intimacy: It involves the man helping the wife at home. This means doing things together at home and avoiding a situation where the woman is left alone to do all the domestic work at home while the husband does nothing. Great husbands normally do one or two things to support their wives, while wives keep on appreciating them as they do this.

3. Recreational Intimacy: This is enjoying activities together, playing together, watching films, running, watching sporting activities, fishing, preparing meal together, visiting recreational places and museums. Couples should always plan their weekends and vacation together and try as much as possible to spend them together.

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4. Parental Intimacy: It involves training of children together, having the same focus for the children and not allowing the children to come between you.

5. Project Intimacy: This involves planning together about the future and carrying them out. Jointly turning the vision to action and putting your resources together to do things. It may be about having a car, build a house, travel abroad, move to a town, or starting a business.

6. Sexual Intimacy: This is one of the most important determinant of healthy marital intimacy. It is not just about sleeping together, it is about love making. This involves open communication about sex in marriage, sexual activities that both parties enjoyed. It involves removing all sexual barriers in the bedroom, good foreplay, pre-planned sex, and constant improvement in the bedroom.

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Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say that they have never had a argument with their spouse. This is when I find myself thinking this person is either lying or certainly can't relate to me.

Conflicts come to all relationships. It's how we handle the conflict that make the difference between a great relationship and a break up looking for a place to happen.

3 Approaches to Avoid

Blow Up - Blowing up is one of the most common ways to handle conflict, especially for men. Somehow we get the notion that getting mad at something can solve any problem. Maybe blowing up was modeled for us at home, or perhaps anger is the emotion with which we are most familiar.

There's just a couple of problems with this approach. At best blowing up will distance people, and at worst, scares them, even scares them away.

And it doesn't solve the problem either.

Blow In - Blowing in is taking all those yucky feelings caused by conflict and swallowing them, stuffing them inside. Here's the kind of conversation that often occurs:

Partner 1: "How did you like the movie?"

Partner 2: "Fine."

Partner 1: "How did you like the music?"

Partner 2: "Fine."

Partner 1: "Would you like to see it again?"

Partner 2: "Fine?"

Uh oh.

One problem with blowing in is that if you do it as a lifestyle and for a lifetime, it can literally make you sick, even kill you. The body can only take so much poison before it causes damage.

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The other problem with blowing in is that anger and resentment will grow and build up. Sometimes for just a few minutes or days, sometimes for years, but an explosion is coming. So blowing in eventually leads to, you guessed it, blowing up.

Blowing Off: This one appears so innocent, with statements from "Hey, it's no big deal" all the way to "Oh just get over it and get a life!"

And yet it's not so innocent.

Blowing off sends at least three lousy messages:

=>you are not understood,
=>you don't count,
=>your feelings are not important or cared about.

With just one of the above, you've got trouble.

With all three, you've got a breakup looking for a place to happen.

A Better Way to Handle It

Blowing Through - Here's a few quick and easy steps:

1) See the conflict as the enemy, not each other. While it is easier said than done, it makes a huge difference. Seeing the conflict as an enemy from outside the relationship allows you to do two important things:

=>avoid fighting to be right,
=>team up and attack the problem together.

2) Identify the conflict. Name it so you can tame it.

3) Nuke it. Throw everything you have at it. All your creativity, silly and crazy ideas, all the skills, solutions and tools you each have, go into knocking this thing out in a way that works for both of you.

And that's not all.

To truly blow through a conflict, you've got one more thing to do...........

4) Set it up so that it's not likely to happen again. When conflicts like this arise again, and they will, you now have a game plan, an "our way" of handling it that allows you to blow right through it.

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The Royal Wedding occurs on our eleventh wedding anniversary - thanks Harry and Meghan! - and guess what we're planning to do? We're going to be watching it. Okay, it is more my wife's preference, but it highlights what she says is the biggest improvement in me as a husband looking back from Year 11 to Year 1.

Being one to ask incisive questions (too much at times), I said to her, 'What single facet of me as a husband has most improved over the past ten years?'

Her answer was simple and profound... 'It's your willingness to serve me.'

Given all the things we've focused on over the years and what I've developed in most is something so simple. Yet, as my wife alluded, it's not simply about doing more or being there more, but a willingness to serve her comes about as a heart change.

Heart changes can take years to nurture. And we would argue that all the hard work of marriage, or the true giving of ourselves to anything really, is about the heart - actually wanting to do what we need to do.

the work of the heart is doing what we need to do in such a way that we want to do it.

Think of the amount of times we're bound by some sort of contract to do what we find difficult to do. The heart isn't in it when we know it needs to be. I've lost friends, jobs and careers because my heart wasn't in it. And marriages need plenty of heart if they're to prosper.

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Husbands and wives who are still striding down struggle street may sense it's the heart that needs to change - in them both. If one won't change, why would the other? Never is it right that one change. Both partners need to be prepared to give their whole hearts sacrificially toward the marriage and the other, and ironically, not be contingent on the other doing same.

Both hearts must change, but both must own their own heart.

As I step back to our first wedding anniversary (as you can read from my journal) I felt like I'd learned so much already. The truth is though, I still had so much to learn, and indeed, the next nearly two years would be harder that I could have imagined as we committed to the deeper work of the marriage counselling we needed.

What I'd like to say to my recently married self, from the safer vantage point of a decade's experience, is do the heart work. Work out what you want from what is needed, be honest about the gap, and do what is needed for the right reasons.

Marriage works out best when we want to be married, when we want our partner, and when we're prepared to do anything for the marriage to succeed.

The marriage must come first. It must be ministry-numero-uno.

If we wish to be successful in any endeavour in life, and we're married, every endeavour in life will be enhanced when there is mutual happiness in the marriage.

True and mutual happiness in marriage is dependent on mutuality of heart, one for the other.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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Author's Bio: 

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