I Want To Convince My Husband To Go To Church With Me To Save Our Marriage: Trusting God To Restore My Marriage

It can happen to the best of marriages, that there will be disharmony in the relationship. Christians in particular can come under attack in this area and if this is the case then it might be a good idea to get some christian marriage help. Many Christians would prefer to receive counseling from someone at the church as the marriage is based on faith in God. The thing is that often people do not want to discuss matters of a personal nature so finding the right person to do the counseling can be very important.

The best place to start is at the local church. This is where the marriage took place and where services are attended every Sunday. Find out if there is a professional counselor available. These people are usually licensed and qualified counselors. Furthermore, they usually specialize in marital issues.

Some churches have such people that are available to do this for the members of the church. If the church does not have such a person then the next best bet is the pastor or minister. Pastors do have training in counseling so he or she would be ideal.

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If the church is unable to assist, then it might be wise to go to another church for assistance. Most churches will be prepared to assist even though the couple is not members of the church. Their counselor or pastor will assist if they are able to. These churches will not charge any kind of fee either.

This does not mean that couples should not give a donation to the church if they feel the need to. Some websites will offer online counseling as well. Many of them will counsel for free and do have the resources to accept donations. This can be done via instant message, email or voice over Internet protocol phone. Other options are to approach Christian organizations that may provide these kinds of services to couples. They may even have a hotline that can be telephoned.

If all else fails then the couple may have to visit a psychologist or psychiatrist. This can still be done by finding a Christian professional that understands the Christian component of marriage. When booking a consultation the couple should ensure they are both free to meet with the professional when he or she is available. When seeking christian marriage help, it is important that the couple are candid about their issues. Hiding things will not aid in getting the problem sorted out.

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Not every marriage is perfect, even a Christian one. Christian marriage counseling is a therapeutic strategy that many Christian couples embark on because of relationship woes. The bible teaches against divorce and in order for some Christians to keep their marriage going, they may need to try something new. The purpose of this spiritual counseling is to help Christian couples in troubled relationships learn to understand each other and God in a better way.

Christians can be influenced by a world surrounding them which is riddled with divorce. Divorce rates for the average couple in this country are at an amazing level of about 50%, that's right 50%! One out of every two marriages fail and the rate is climbing!

Christian marriage counseling takes place through a number of different outlets. Many couples may simply participate in their home church which may offer counseling advice (if their pastor is certified for counseling). A great benefit to choosing your own church pastor is that it allows you to have a more personal, one-on-one relationship with your counselor, as well as an increased comfort level because you are already familiar with that person. Another really great factor is that it usually does not cost a thing.

Outside of going to your own church to seek marriage advice, many Christian couples turn to the online world of therapeutic solutions. The Internet is full of Christian marriage counseling websites that offer solutions to many common marital problems. This can provide a great option for those who may be located a great distance away from their church and want the convenience of counseling in their own home. This can save on time and money for the cost of gas. The Internet Christian marriage counseling services will also allow you to work around your own schedule instead of someone else's, which is a big time saver.

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The third most accepted way to approach Christian marriage counseling is to seek out a trained professional, who is also a Christian, in the field of marriage, relationships and/or family disputes. You can start by looking in your own church denominations around your community, the phone book, and even the Internet can locate the various locations of Christian marriage counseling specialists which might best suit your needs.

One great benefit of using Christian marriage counseling is that it may be a way to help couples incorporate their faith into their life as a whole. Most Christian counselors are well versed in the Bible and, as such, may be able to teach how to implement the biblical principles that can help promote a healthy, happy, spiritually based marriage. With the help of a Christian marriage counselor, couples can help build a stronger spiritual backbone through the study of the Bible, which is considered of vital importance. By doing so, a Christian couple may be able to strengthen their faith which may, in turn, help improve and strengthen the quality and bonds of their marriage.

Christian marriage counseling is not just for Christians alone. Any couple that is having difficulties in their marital pursuits may be able to benefit from the help of a Christian marriage counselor. Most Christian counselors are more than happy to help others in need. All you have to do is ask.

For many Christians, the help of a Christian marriage counselor is a great option, especially because it is free and readily accessible, either through their own church, a local community church or the Internet. They are attracted by the Christian methods of incorporating biblical principles, faith and a greater level of spirituality into their lives which may ultimately help alleviate problems and greatly reduce possibility of divorce. In short, they want a faith based help which will help them find greater joy in their marriage relationship.

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If you're asking yourself how to fix your marriage, getting a one word answer like "communication" seems so unhelpful. A problem with communication is that it can seem so fickle. Emotions often get in the way, and it can be very hard to stay calm and rational.

I like to harp on about how great communication is. And yet I've had my fair share of problems communicating with my husband. When we used to fight often a few months ago, I remember trying to calm myself and coming back to my husband later, in a mood for straightforward communication. In one instance, I remember he responded with a piercing remark that hurt my feelings so much that I lashed back at him without even thinking. Valuable things I learned about communication vanished in an instant.

Now that I think about it more, what he said to me wasn't the worst thing in the world. Yet at the time, I associated it with other events in our life that happened earlier, and it completely took me by surprise. I went to speak with my husband with a gameplan, and I wasn't at all prepared for his first response.

To get specific, it had to do with all the dirty clothes he tends to leave around the house. Usually, I either nag and yell at him about it, not even caring what yells back at me. Or I just don't say anything at all, and have arguments with him in my head. Well this time, after cleaning up his typical mess, I plan to speak to him calm and collected when he comes home.

He gets home, and I say to him "Could we please figure out a way for you to help keep our house nice and tidy?" I tried saying it in a way that was distinctly different from all the previous arguments. And rather than work with me, he immediately fires back "I'd care more if you didn't screw up dinner last week for our friends."

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Ugh. Looking back now, I know he regrets saying this, and that it was just a jab not too different from many of our previous fights. And yet in the moment, it hurt more than anything I expected because I did have a mishap with that dinner, and I felt really bad about it. It was something I never expected to come up again. And unfortunately, it led to me yelling at him on the outside, and sulking on the inside. Yep, back to square one.

So what to do next? I realized that I just needed to take another stab at it, and where my invisible teflon armor this time! I gathered my bearings, and told myself that the only way I was going to fix our marriage was through improved communication. I had to get through to my husband without blowing up early or midway in a conversation.

But at the same time, I needed to tell him what I was feeling in all of these earlier moments, and try to dig a little into what he was feeling. Even though I needed the conversation to be rational and calm, the key was to communicate our feelings, and to try our best to get each of our sides across.

Thankfully, we did just that. Miscommunication became communication, and this was one of our building blocks towards fixing my marriage.

Are you thinking at this moment about how to fix your marriage through communication? You too will need to take the difficult steps that I did. Well, they seem difficult at first, but everything gets easier each day you make progress.

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I've seen it again and again in my work as a therapist. When couples get into a cycle of fighting, it can be hard for them to even remember that they love each other as time goes on. You know you're caught in a cycle of fighting when the pain created during fights lingers on -- long after the arguing and blow-up is over. You experience a build-up of one hurt or frustration piling on top of another...and another...and another. Eventually, your emotions are so overwhelming that your sense of yourself pretty much gets lost in the whole mess. Sometimes you may feel so dismissed or angry that you aren't even sure there IS a relationship, anymore. And you may feel there's no turning back. But most of the time there is!

Four Steps to End the Fighting and Reconnect with your Spouse

If you know what to do, you can take "real" steps to end the fighting and turn your relationship around. These steps have worked for many couples to get their relationships back on track -- and they can work for you, too.

Step 1: Recognize when you've been "triggered."

Being triggered means your emotions and their intensity go from 0 to 100 within milliseconds. So, what this hard, critically important first step means is: When you start to get upset -- stop! Take a moment to step back and ask yourself, "Where did these awful feelings come from that seem to welled up inside of me so quickly? Was it really what my partner said or did?"

When you stop yourself and recognize the trigger that is revving up your intense reactions, you'll be able to create some emotional separation between how you "feel" and the reality of what actually happened. This also gives you the chance to figure out why you were triggered in the first place. Chances are, you'll see that what's going on has less to do with your partner than it probably "feels" like.

There are typically two ways to recognize a trigger:

a. Shift in Emotion

Try to notice when you feel an emotional shift. This is the point in the fight when you go from feeling OK to suddenly feeling distant, enraged, withdrawn, teary eyed, etc. What did your partner do or say or not do or say that led you to feel betrayed, stupid, ashamed, inadequate, like a failure, like you're nothing, or...(you fill in the blank).

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b. Intensity of Emotion

Pay attention to your reactions. Are they stronger than usual? Or, more intense than what the situation warrants? For instance, instead of just feeling disappointed, are you feeling betrayed or abandoned? Rather than just feeling frustrated, are you feeling inadequate or like a failure?

If you feel any of these emotions (keep in mind, there are many others, as well), it's important to realize that this is NOT THE FIRST TIME you've felt these feelings with this kind of intensity. These feelings did NOT originate with your partner. They were created long before you ever met your partner; he or she is just stirring them up in the moment.

Step 2: To put things into perspective

When you're angry and overwhelmed by your emotions, your actual thinking processes can get overwhelmed and distorted, too. Do you really believe your partner is deliberately trying to hurt you? (No, I mean really...do you really think he or she is the kind of person that wants to see you hurting...is that the kind of person you're with?)

When you answer this question honestly, it allows you to separate who you feel your partner is when you're in the heat of an argument from who your partner really is. It is extremely unlikely that you truly believe your partner wishes you ill or wants to see you hurting. And you can be absolutely sure that it's no different when you fight. Your partner isn't out to intentionally hurt you. What you're really feeling has more to do with what the feelings triggered inside you.

Step 3: Look at your role in the fight

Everyone tends to focus on what the other person is doing or saying: "You are so critical of me; I can't do anything right around you!" Or, "Why do you keep ignoring what I'm saying; I just don't matter to you!" It's easier to focus on how you're being hurt than on how your responses are hurting the other person. If you want the fighting to stop, if you want to reconnect with your partner, it is important that you focus on what you can do differently. By changing what you do, you automatically change the cycle. Now, here's how to do it:

Here are some ways to think about your role:

* What are you doing/saying that starts or keeps the fight going? Is it your tone of voice, your body language, or the specific words you're using?

* What do you think your words or behavior do to your partner? Is this really how you want to treat your partner?

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* Can you identify what emotional outcome/need you want from the fight? Are you looking to feel supported, to feel special, to feel heard, to feel needed, to feel loved? (Note: Anger is typically a secondary emotion that covers up the more vulnerable feelings that are underneath.)

* Is what you're doing/saying getting you closer to what you want? (You're getting a response, but is it the response you want?)

Step 4. Make the specific changes that stop the cycle
Think for a moment of a time when you and your partner were feeling really connected. Most often we experience this feeling when we're sharing a part of ourselves and our partner responds in a way that makes us feel loved and accepted.

If you can express the emotion you're really feeling when faced with an argument -- instead of a response masked with anger or withdrawal -- more often than not you'll get the loving reaction you want.

Showing this vulnerability is scary. It goes against your instinctual need to protect yourself. Many of us wish we could share with our partner what we truly feel, yet still protect ourselves from getting hurt. Here are some ways to help you find the right balance between being vulnerable and protecting yourself, so you're more likely to get the reaction you want and the closeness you desire.

* If you preface your statement with..."this is really hard for me to tell you," or "it's scary to admit this, but..." it makes it easier to express your vulnerability and let your partner know how much you need them to stop and listen.

* By setting up what you're about to share, you place a protective covering around your feelings. You also make it a lot harder for your partner to keep negatively spiraling, no matter what they happen to be feeling.

* Next, identify and express what you're feeling -- hurt, scared, abandoned, like a failure, or another emotional state.

* Finally, tell your partner what you need from them. Remember, it's very important to recognize what you need BEFORE you try to tell your partner.

a. If you don't know what you need, how can you expect someone else to know? Your partner can't read your mind; and may be more than willing to give you what you need if you tell them what that is directly, without a negative emotional edge.

b. If you don't know what you really need, it won't matter what your partner does -- you won't ever be able to feel the connection.

If you can follow through on these steps, it will be almost impossible for your partner to continue in the old negative ways. By behaving differently, you stop giving them permission to react in the same manner. You break the fighting cycle! You might be surprised at how quickly you can experience a change in your own feelings and reactions, and how small changes can have a real impact on how you and your partner interact.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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