"I Was Full Of Self-Doubt"

Before I started writing articles, I had been on the path for around seven years. During this time, I had put a lot of effort into trying to understand myself and why my life was the way it was.

So, when I started writing, it wasn’t as though I just woke up one day and thought that I would write about psychology. Ultimately, it was the result of the conclusions that I had come to over the years.

Inner Conflict

I believed that I had something to offer, and this was what allowed me to take the next step; to get what was taking place in my mind down onto paper, or onto word document and then out into the world. But while part of me had this outlook, another part of me didn’t believe that I had anything to offer.

This other part of me saw me as someone who did know what he was talking about and believed that other people would have the same view. There was also the fact that I didn’t have a degree in psychology.

Positive Feedback

It didn’t take long before I started to receive positive comments from people and a number of people who I knew were amazed by what I had written. These were the people who wondered where all this came from.

What these people were reading was no different to the kinds of things that I had been thinking about for quite some time. The only thing that had changed was that I started to share my views with the world.

One Direction

I wasn’t going to let my self-doubt completely hold me back, which meant that I went over as much information as I could. It had been this same self-doubt that had played a big part in why I had put in so much work to begin with.

And while it was good to receive positive feedback, I didn’t enjoy receiving negative feedback. Having my work criticised was not the problem per se; what was the problem was what this would trigger within me.

Emotionally Overwhelmed

It didn’t matter that a big part of me believed in what I was doing, that I studied hard, and that I had received a lot of good feedback, as I would fall right down. The reason for this was that being criticised would bring up how I felt when I was put down as a child.

This was a time in my life when I would be put down by my mother and undermined on a regular basis. I believed that I was worthless and that I was unable to do just about anything right.

Open Minded

The part of me that was affected when someone didn’t agree with me was happy to hear about their views. By having so much doubt, it allowed me to keep an open mind; thereby, I didn’t believe that I knew everything or that I was always right.

I could have gone to the other extreme, of course, and believed that I knew everything and that I was always right. This would have protected my fragile ego, but it wouldn’t have allowed me to grow.

A New Outlook

When I was full of so much self-doubt, I often thought about what it would be like to remove it all; this seemed like a great idea and the only alternative that was available. However, as time went by and I became more secure within myself, I came to see that this wouldn’t be a lot better.
​
It might make me feel good about myself, but it would cause me to have a closed mind, and this would stop me from being able to take in new information and it would push people away. I would be deluded and there would be no way for me to change my life.