I'm Married But In Love With Someone Else: Married and in Love with Someone Else What to Do

You probably never meant for it to happen. It's not as if you went looking for a lover.

However, once you fell in love with another person than your spouse, things got rather intense. You're already in what some refer to as an emotional affair. Perhaps you've gone further and the relationship has turned physical.

How Did It Happen

It may be difficult for you to know exactly how you got into this situation. Some are honest enough with themselves that they know step-by-step how everything came to be as it is now. Others have more difficulty, their mind confused because what they are doing is so contrary to what they believe and value. Some feel that God sent them their soul mate. Others blame it on the way their spouse's actions or lack of actions.

Underlying vulnerabilities very likely made the new relationship possible. Highly revered marriage researcher John Gottman writes in his book The Marriage Clinic:

"...many clinicians...have been quick to point out that 'affairs involve sex, but sex is usually not the purpose of the affair'...In fact, most clinicians who have written in this area report that affairs are usually about seeking friendship, support, understanding, and validation...they are about getting the acceptance that is missing in the marriage."

My work with thousands of couples in crisis indicates that this is exactly the case. Relationship affairs - as opposed to the one-night-stand type affairs that are wholly about sex and not at all about relationship - usually find root in a person's feeling unloved, unaccepted, disliked, or disrespected. That doesn't mean that the person necessarily went looking for affirmation and validation from someone else. However, when it came, it captured their heart.

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Maybe you describe this new relationship similar to the way others I've worked with:

• I've never been loved like this.
• No one understands me as well as he/she does.
• This is the person I was meant to be with.
• I can't explain how this feels because I don't think anyone else can understand it. It's intense. Amazing. Wonderful.

Most likely your desire is not to hurt the person you're married to, but rather to live in this new level of love that you never knew existed. You don't mean to harm family, friends, coworkers, church buddies, or anyone else. Your desire is to have, not to hurt. (There may be an exception to that if you feel that your spouse has been unkind or hurtful. If so, that degree of negativity toward your spouse probably increased its intensity after your affair began.)

What Happens Next?

You have four potential paths before you. Either you stay in your marriage while continuing a relationship with your lover, leave your marriage for your lover, end the affair yourself, or your lover ends it.

Each possibility carries consequences. Short-term consequences and long-term consequences. If you choose short-term, you may decide to end your marriage for your lover. The intensity of your present emotions may make that the choice that seems most likely to make you happy. However, there are long-term consequences that will come with that choice. Consequences involving your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values, and your spouse. If you think that being with your lover more than makes up for any difficulties in these areas, you aren't alone. Nearly everyone who makes that decision figures that because of the deep love they now feel, everything balances out in the end.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, turns out that way.

Your emotions are intense now, but they won't be forever. Within a couple years, if not before, you'll discover that the Cinderella or Price Charming you're in love with isn't quite as wonderful as you think. In the ecstasy of new love people overlook flaws, quirks, and problems in the other. When that emotions evolves, as it must and will, you'll start to be bothered by things that never bothered you before. You will discover that Cinderella and Prince Charming exist only in fairytales. All the rest of us are flawed and at time hard to live with.

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Repeatedly those who left their spouses for a remarkable love come to me after a few years and say they wish they could do it all over again. This time they wouldn't abandon their marriage but would figure a way to work out their problems. They wouldn't expect their children NOT to be negatively affected by the divorce. They would look deeper into their hearts to see that their beliefs and values are part of their very identity and realize that to live in contradiction to them would lead them to become someone quite different than they were. They would admit that there is never a "happily ever after" and that leaving one relationship for another is trading one set of problems for another.

In short, they would have stayed in the first marriage and done all they could to make it work.

Make The Right Decision

Though logic doesn't reign for you at the moment, take one quick moment to see past the feelings into your future. What do you honestly, at the deepest level of your being, expect it to be ten years from now if you abandon your marriage, maybe destroy another in the process (if your lover is married), and violate your core beliefs?


Not likely. Happiness comes from doing the right thing; not the selfish thing.

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I've been talking the last couple of weeks about happy couples. Although everyone's different, there are certain patterns that recur among those who have solid, happy relationships. They're friends, they laugh together, they pay attention to one another, and they communicate well. What else?

Happy Couples Are Kind. Why is it that we are meaner to people close to us than we'd ever dream of being to one of our friends or co-workers? Really, we would be careful with our tone in the office or our job might be in jeopardy. We'd probably avoid being snarky with a stranger for no reason except we're feeling crabby. But with our beloved partner, with whom we feel so comfortable we can let down our guard, we are sometimes rude and downright mean. If this is you, try to tone it down. Your partner deserves the same consideration as a stranger-at the minimum. Practice being kind, even, or especially, when your partner is less than wonderful to you. You'll feel better about yourself, and it will make your partner think twice about how s/he treats you. Kindness is contagious.

Happy Couples Have Separate Lives. This might seem counter-intuitive because we expect happy couples to be deliriously delighted to be together. But not all the time. You can't expect any one person to have the identical needs and interests of another. One may not want to see an opera, and the other might. When they get together for dinner, the opera-goer can recount the experience. A healthy relationship depends on both parties being independent and emotionally mature individuals who pursue their own interests. This makes their life together more interesting.

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Happy Couples Are Affectionate. While sex is important, it's not the only way to show your partner your love physically. A touch as you pass through the room, an impromptu backrub while your partner reads the paper, holding hands in the scary parts of the movie. There are endless ways, large and small, to connect with your partner physically. It is especially important to make these connections without expecting sex in return. If your touch automatically signals sex, you will withhold that touch if you are not in the mood for sex. A friend's husband used to entice her into the Jacuzzi, fill the tub, supply warm towels. Afterward, he demanded sex. Always. Pretty soon the Jacuzzi was the least used tub in town. Happy couples show affection freely, with no strings attached.

Happy Couples Are Committed. They are always there for each other. They can be counted on for support, through good times and bad. As the vows say, "For richer for poorer, for better or worse." Loyalty. Love. Commitment. Those are essential for sustaining a loving, lasting relationship. It can be the most fulfilling experience of your life, so it's worth cultivating. You can do it when you're aware of how to behave as a happy couple.

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One of the worst things that can happen to anyone is the break up of marriage. It is only natural that divorce is considered one of the most painful events that can happen in a person's life, more painful than even the death of a dear one. The unfortunate fact is people often reconcile to the imminence of divorce. Please realize that you can stop your divorce and save your marriage.

I do not intend to oversimplify the problem. But I just want to point out that it is possible to save your marriage even at a stage when things seem irreversible. You need to follow these three steps meticulously. A half-hearted approach will not work.

The first thing you need to stop your divorce is a plan. A well defined plan is a prerequisite for any action, whether it is playing a game, building a house or working for a goal in life. Once you formulate a plan, you will develop the confidence that you can save your marriage!

How do you formulate a plan? Your step one lies here. Identify the problem in the relationship. This means you need to be specific about what the problem is, what factors caused it and what effects it had on the relationship. Writing down your thoughts on a piece of paper will clarify your thinking and facilitate a clear understanding of the problem. Many a time, we are not consciously aware of what the problem is. Identifying the problem by itself can be a revelation. Sometimes, a simple solution can be found, once the problem is clearly identified.

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The next step to stop your divorce is to think of ways of resolving it. I am not suggesting that finding a solution to a problem is going to be easy. The reality is many people do not even attempt to think of a solution. Since you have already taken the first step of identifying the problem, the second step of finding a solution will become less daunting. Often, the solution into a problem is staring at us but we ignore it, since we do not focus on finding a solution in the first place. An unexpectedly simple solution may emerge that can stop your divorce!

The third step is to talk it out with your spouse and make your spouse see what you have seen. Don't be reluctant to approach your spouse due to fear of rejection. Most often, your spouse will also be looking for a solution and will jump at your proposal. You are not going to lose anything if he or she spurns your initiative. Either you will be able to stop your divorce or you will end up where you were already. But the chances are that if you are convinced of the solution, you will think of other ways like approaching a mutual friend or a counselor to make your spouse see reason and work with you to save your marriage.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

Click here to save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.

Are you getting the idea that you and your spouse are drifting apart and it concerns you that divorce could be the direction you're heading? Has the spark gone out of your marriage, and you have no idea how to get it back in your life? Believe it or not, but this is actually a frequently occurring common issue many couples have struggled with before - and they have successfully rebuilt their relationship with one another, enjoying a deeper, more vibrant connection.

The best thing you can do to assure a happy marriage is to find out what makes a husband and wife unhappy. Poor communications and not being able to resolve a conflict, is the top reason that marriages do not succeed, according to the experts. In order to have a great marriage, a twosome has to talk to each other and fix their problems. Strong marriages usually keep good communication lines and conflict solving skills with in their relationship, on the other hand weak marriages need help with in these areas. A willingness to try and work at these skills are often all that is needed to aid the relationship grow and strengthen itself. Eventually, given enough time, a healthy marriage can be easily maintained.

It may seem difficult to employ new methods of communicating at first, but studies prove that healthy communication is highly efficacious in calming tensions which arise from disconnectedness. Take what you have gleaned and use these techniques when resolving issues regarding communication and conflicts, while learning from the experience of others, in order to rescue your marriage. There is no marriage that is not worth saving. Study what is important to make you marriage work and work towards a healthier marriage. Divorce is not a enjoyable situation, at all. It may take time and hard work to mend you marriage but you must recall that every marriage is salvageable.

Now Listen Carefully-

Take 2 minutes to visit the next page and you'll discover a stunning trick which will make your spouse love you for the rest of their lives even if they are this close to walking out the door. Yes, you can indeed save your marriage no matter how hopeless the situation seems. Take the right step now and live to enjoy a blissful marriage. I strongly urge you to visit the next page- Click Here

Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com