Is A Husband Responsible For His Wife: Am I Responsible For My Wife's Feelings

Have you ever pondered in your mind what makes a good husband and the qualities of a good husband? Comparing your husband to other friend's husbands may not be a fair evaluation of your own, but if you are wondering then I have researched what women want their man to be like. Below are lists of the attributes of a good husband.

* A good husband must be trust worthy- he must be faithful to you and honest to his family. When he goes to work or is with is buddies, you feel that he has only you in his eyes. He needs to be reliable at all times.

* He must put his family first- he will always think of you and your children first before himself. Asking you first what you would like to, do and were you would like to go, are good qualities in a husband.

* He must share parenting duties- he must be willing to help you with the children at all times. Being not afraid to lend a hand watching the kids, or changing that dirty diaper, (even though he may not like it) helping getting them ready for school in the mornings, preparing meals, and just being there for you lending a hand.

* A good husband must be supportive at all times- being a responsible person; he should be supportive of you. By being supportive of what you do at home or away from home, knowing that he is always encouraging you.

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* Always ready to show his love for you- he must surprise you occasionally with gifts from his heart, displaying his love towards you. Not all men will show their love outwardly to their wives, but the important part of a loving relationship is that you feel his love when you are with him.

* A good husband must be kind and be able to forgive you- being a good husband means kindness and forgiveness toward you and your children. Sometimes the hardest thing for a man to do is to forgive you. Your man should posse a forgiving heart, be considerate toward your wishes and desires.

* He must be a good listener and communicator- he must be able to be there for you during lows and highs. Being able to listen to your problems or just listen to you as your best friend. He needs to take time to talk to you; about your needs, problems, or just everyday issues in life. Being a good communicator is probably one of the most important qualities a husband can have.

* He must be the spiritual leader of his family- one of the greatest attributes a husband can have is the ability to lead his family. Whether it would be going to church, going out together as a family, or going on vacation, showing his guidance and building faith within his family is so important in today's society.

The most important thing to realize, that the qualities of a good husband should also reflect back so that you also can have these qualities. A husband and wife together can have a wonderful, loving relationship, by setting examples to each other. There are good husbands everywhere to be found, but do not give up on your man; he can change by you suggesting to him what you think he should be like.

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Chances are, you think that you are the perfect husband. Unfortunately, your wife may feel differently. In fact, every time you "forget" to put your socks in the hamper, she may be thinking it is just one more reason to ask for a divorce. You may even be surprised to find that she has found some other man that picks up his clothes from the floor, and makes her happy in many other ways. If you need to know how to make your wife happy, you can start by reading Keep Your Marriage. This book will provide you with a number of skills required to save your marriage as well as create all the happiness you've always wanted.

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If Tim did what Koren asked of him it meant that he really loved her. Obedience to the wishes of your mate was Koren's definition of love.

If Koren gave Tim her blessing to do things according to his priority list he felt loved, cherished and respected. Permission to do what he wanted was Tim's definition of love.

Two differing views of love brought friction, frustration and fury to the relationship.

Each kept demanding proof of love and care in ways that mattered to them.

So Koren kept asking Tim to take care of things for the family and around the house on her schedule.

Three of her most frequent demands were:

1. Get the plumbing repair done cheaply

2. Come to bed at the same time as me

3. Stay by her side at all times at a party

Tim's hot button got pushed. He wasn't going to let Koren control him. He would give Koren alternative ways of getting things done, in the hope of getting her off his back.

Three of Tim's solutions

1. My aunt knows plumbers who are reasonably priced, call her.

2. Watch TV or read until I am ready for bed and then we can have our time together

3. Mingle and make friends with other people at parties

Tim's 'alternative solutions' pushed Koren's hot buttons. She didn't care about the jobs that needed doing. She just wanted proof that Tim would do what she asked so she could be reassured of his continuing care and love for her.

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Koren escalated her demands and Tim became more rigid in his determination not to be controlled. Fierce clashes broke out, each accusing the other of being mean, selfish and unloving.

Koren's angry demands became 'orders' and 'threats.'

Tim's 'alternative solutions' became outbursts of defensiveness aimed at maintaining his autonomy.

How did Koren and Tim end up feeling under threat, unloved and desperate to have the exact proof of love they needed from their partners?

The rule in Koren's family was that you only get loved if you do as you are told. When she did what her parents wanted, when they wanted she was noticed. She received smiles, and soft loving satisfied tones of voice directed at her. If she delayed or put her needs first, she was ignored, spurned, forgotten and compared unfavorably to her siblings.

Tim grew up in a home where he too was controlled but in a different way. He was allowed to have his wishes and desires but only up to a point. He had to practice what his parents preached. Tim knew he was loved, but he didn't feel it in his heart because his parents didn't accept his wishes, ways and choices.

Knowing you are loved and 'feeling it' are two different things!

Koren discovered that it was pointless having wishes and desires. She would only have to kill them off when she found a partner. Obligation and love became synonymous. Koren knew Tim loved her, but she didn't feel it in her heart unless he proved it by doing what she asked and in the time frame she expected.

Tim discovered that it was futile hoping for loved ones to give him space and freedom to have his own way of doing things, especially if they were waiting on him to get things done. He knew that Koren loved him, but he didn't feel it when she ordered him around and demanded immediate action.

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How can Tim and Koren feel the love they each say they have for one another?

Research indicates that controlling mothers inhibit the development of empathy in their children for future romantic partners.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2010.

Both Tim and Koren experienced controlling mothers and were denied the opportunity to have their feelings and wishes taken into consideration as part of the family experience.

They can learn to develop a sense of empathy for the experience of their partner. They have to practice doing for each other what they were deprived of as children.

1. They can ask each other what it's like to have demands made, or personal choices unaccepted.

2. Tim can tell Koren how threatened he feels when her demands trigger a fear that he is going to have to give up his thoughts, ideas, and vision of life.

3. Koren can tell Tim how scared she feels when he fails to do what she wants. She can share her fear of being banished from his world and left alone, unwanted.

4. Tim and Koren can connect through the empathy they build when they both appreciate the threats they are defending against.

5. With understanding and connection Tim and Koren will approach each other with more compassion stoked by empathy.

6. Tim and Koren will feel the love and understanding during their interactions in the way the speak and look at one another.

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