Is it Time to Break Up Your Relationship?

I like to talk to people for a few sessions, and let them determine why they want to break up. In many cases there are good reasons for the break up. In others, the emotional reasons are superficial leaving regret and pain on both sides after the break up. Sometimes a little ‘house cleaning’ and ‘goal setting’ can help a relationship. In many cases, I’ve found that a bit of relationship advice, and some insight into the other person can turn a floundering relationship, or marriage, into a renewed and passionate one.

Most of just never learn the art of relationships from our parents. We are left to struggle on our own, moving from one relationship to another, hoping that somewhere along the way we will find the ‘right person.’ This belief that there is a prince, or princess, out there that will heal all our pain, meet all our needs, and understands what we want is the number one reason for the break ups that I see.

The reality of today’s dating scene is that we do have to break up sometimes. Prince charming turned into a controlling ogre. The princess is so caught up in herself that after three months she still is shocked to hear that you have kids, or can’t remember their names.

In many cases the problems are based in immaturity, or emotional struggles. These may include drinking or partying problems, lack of empathy or sympathy, poor hygiene, selfishness, playing head games, or ‘sapping’ all the joy out of another’s life.

The break up is much harder if the reason is something that just doesn’t mesh. The single father whose children refuse to accept you, moving away for a job, maturing emotionally and leaving your partner behind, or family issues are common reasons I’ve heard for the break up. While they may seem like something that should be overcome, a successful compromise may not always be emotionally healthy, or the best choice for you.

The first question I ask clients is, “Do you need to change to make this relationship work.” The answers vary. If the client tells me that the other person is asking for compromise then it is time to take a hard look at the relationship. Everyone is different. No one personality type is better than another – just different. A relationship that requires one person to change is not a healthy relationship. The person forced to change will never feel whole, or comfortable.

The second question I ask is, “Paint me a picture using words of your perfect relationship.” This may not be easy. It often takes much reflection over several weeks. In the end, you will have a tangible ‘goal’ set before you of the relationship that will make you happy.” Once this is done, ask yourself if your current relationship fits the profile, or if you are trying to force a round peg into the square hole.

The next question I ask is, “Are you running away?” This is often an emotionally stressful point to bring up. Many people have run from perfect relationships because they feared commitment, or they feared that they would be asked to give up their identity if they continued the relationships.

Our emotional baggage is not something we should be ashamed of. But, we also shouldn’t let it control our future. Maybe it is time to take back control and restore your power. The word ‘empowerment’ has been turned into a cliché, but it really is a fundamental element of emotional health.

Maybe if you are running, it is time to stop. It is time to tell your past ‘You have no power over me’ and time to welcome your future. It may not be an easy task, and it may not resolve the issues in a current relationship.

One of the best ways to find out what is best for you is to get a third party to help. A relationship counsellor or a relationship coach can give you a different perspective, help you add a few skills to your repertoire, and point you in the direction that will make you most happy. After all, that is the fundamental goal of a relationship, to join two people in one happy union.