It’s Not Them, It’s You

You can only place the blame for your failed or lack of relationships on other people for so long. There comes a point and time when you need to look in the mirror and figure out what it is about you that is contributing to the demise of your relationships. We love to point the finger and say what he or she did or did not do. We like to think that we got it all together and the other person falls short or they do not meet our subpar standards. The reality of the situation is that all your failed relationships have one thing in common: YOU. You are the common denominator in all the relationships that went wrong. When are you going to take responsibility for your actions and realize that the change you want to see has to start at home? The hardest thing to do is to look in the mirror and really take a long hard look at the person staring back at you. Realizing all your faults and shortcomings can be a challenging, but necessary thing.

Women have a list by the age of 12 of what they look for and desire in a man. As we get older the list gets tailored to our maturing needs and desires and it shortens every year. At 17 we probably had on the list he had to have good hair. At 25 the list said he had to have a car and an apartment. At 35 the list said he had to have a job and at 45 it simply said he had to be a man. Some things get less important while others get more important, but if the list evolves and you don’t then what you are looking for you will never find. You can’t say you want a man with a job, but you don’t work. How can you say you want a man of God, but don’t go to church? You want a man that will be a good father to your kids, but you aren’t a good mother. You want a man to treat you like a queen, but you act like a slut. You attract what you put out, so if you putting trash out guess what you will be getting back?

As a woman you have the power in the relationship. What you don’t know is how to use it. You have to set boundaries and set the rules. Wanting a man to court you, date you, and treat you like a queen requires you to present yourself worthy of these things. If you are one of those women who like to date men with “status” then you definitely need to lay down the rules. Women come a dime a dozen to them so you have to set yourself apart. They can get any woman they want in bed, but make them want you in their house and heart. Don’t let him come over and sit on you couch soaking up all your heat, cable, and eating all your food when he is not putting in the time to deserve that privilege. Why are you having sex with him when he only calls in the middle of the night and you stalking him during the day? Do not let a man pull up and honk the horn for you to come out. Make him come to the door and open the car door for you. If he cannot plan a date, do not go out with him.

Men have to understand their role in establishing and maintaining a relationship as well, if that is what they desire. Women need to have their minds stimulated. We like to know you can hold a conversation as well as be a good time. Sex is not the only thing on the agenda for us. We need to know that you will be a protector and a provider. Be respectful and a man. Also understand that as the relationship progress so does the responsibility in your role. We may start off as the best of friends and still have our freedoms to do what we please, but when we take the step into a relationship you have to change up some things along with that. You can’t stay out every night until 5am and stagger in like everything cool, because it’s not. There comes a time when you have to put away childish things. The things you did at 21 are not going to work at 35. You are in a whole other playing field now and it’s time to grow up. When you continue to do the same thing over and over from one relationship to the next and it does not work then you have to realize that you are the problem.

A lot of times both men and women get caught on the wrong things in regards to having a real relationship. They base their relationships off of superficial or sexual things that will not last forever and when it is gone they end up alone or unhappy. Do not sale yourself short of what you truly need and desire in a mate for someone that looks good but treats you like crap. Stop focusing on their pockets (women) or their butts (men) and look at their hearts. Figure out who you are as a person first. Get to know who you really are and what you can bring to a relationship. Establish a real relationship with God and make Him the head of your life. It is ok to be alone and use that time to figure out what you want. If you are constantly keeping a man or woman around because you do not like to be alone then you have some issues that you need to deal with. If having sex and/or whether or not he plays professional sports is you main focus in all relationships then you have a lot of serious growing up to do. We are going to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince or princess, but make sure you are not the frog.