Jealous Of My Husband's Past Relationships: How To Get Over Husband's Past Relationships

Jealousy has often been called the "green-eyed monster," and with good reason. The "monster" is fueled by envy and can over time devour the trust and harmony in a relationship.

Jealousy has been a reason for numerous couples marriage counseling sessions.

According to B.C. Forbes, " a mental cancer." It spreads quickly and can be fatal to a marriage. Once it gets a foothold, the jealous spouse becomes even more jealous, often over insignificant things. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield captures what happens in these remarks: "My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

You're more prone to jealousy and envy when you are feeling insecure and fearful. Several years into my first marriage, I remember feeling unusually jealous of a woman that my husband worked with. The co-worker had dark, sultry looks, long flowing hair, and a figure that drove males wild. As if that wasn't enough, she was also funny and outgoing, with great communication and social skills. At office parties, the husbands could be found circled around her, competing for her attention.

At the time, I was too embarrassed to tell my husband that I had been ambushed by such intense envy. Eventually, the co-worker moved on to another company, but I still vividly remember how much I wanted to be like her and how depressed I felt each time I compared my attributes to hers.

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"To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self," states Joan Didion. Jealousy brings out the worst in us and causes us to resent someone else for having what we think we don't have--looks, charm, money, prestige, romance, charisma, success. When we're jealous, whatever measuring stick we use makes us feel lacking and "less than."

Fear is also involved when we feel jealous--fear that we'll never have what the other person has, fear that we're not as good as someone else, fear of losing our spouse to another, fear that we're not attractive or desired, and fear of being ridiculed. Joseph Addison defines jealousy as "...that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves." When we're jealous, we feel insecure and lack self-esteem.

A counseling client once shared that he was being torn apart by jealousy. Whenever his wife was even a few minutes late, he visualized her stopping to flirt with someone in the grocery store or became convinced that she was using the time to secretly call another man. His rational mind knew that there was nothing to base these anxieties on, that his wife loved him and had never betrayed his trust. But he was unable to stop his "worst scenario" fantasies.

As we dug deeper into his past experiences, it turned out that his first long-term girlfriend in college had secretly cheated on him with a close friend of his. Thus, he was transferring his fears from the previous experience onto his wife. He became extremely jealous and afraid that he was going to lose her in the same way. Ironically, the marriage had become so unbearable for his wife that she did eventually turn her affections toward someone else. The client's inability to control his jealousy brought about the very thing he was afraid would happen.
By the time he finally came for counseling, his obsessive jealousy had already killed the marriage.

For a marriage to be healthy, there has to be trust, and jealousy undermines that trust. The following seven tips can help you to keep jealousy from undermining your relationship with your spouse:

1. When you first notice that you're feeling jealous, immediately try to identify what insecurity or fear is being triggered. Is it a fear of abandonment? A fear that you don't measure up? Your own insecurities about not feeling successful or attractive enough? When insecurities or fears are activated, you're more likely to overreact in a way that could hurt your relationship.

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2. Instead of focusing on the behavior that you want your spouse to stop so that you won't feel the uncomfortable pangs of jealousy, examine your self-talk. Are you telling yourself, "My wife shouldn't be flirting with him like that," or "My husband will probably leave me for someone else one day"? You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself about the

3. Take a close look at your past history. Did one of your parents cheat on the other one? Did a spouse in your first marriage betray you? Or did you cheat on a partner in the past? If so, it is likely that you are projecting your past experiences and feelings on to your present spouse. Try to keep the past separate from the present.

4. Do a reality check. Instead of getting upset about the future scenario your mind has jumped to, list what exact behaviors you're upset about. Your list might read, "My wife talked to a handsome bachelor that she had just met when we were at our friend's party. She smiled and laughed and looked like she was having a good time." So the objective list of behaviors includes talking, smiling, laughing, and looking like she was having a good time--not exactly unusual party behavior.

5. Stay rooted in the present moment, and reel in your imagination before it runs away with you. You don't want to damage your relationship by accusing your spouse of something he or she didn't do. Besides harming the trust and harmony of your marriage, if you routinely accuse your spouse of imaginary transgressions, you could end up pushing him or her into the very behavior you're zeroing in on.

6. Think before you speak. Notice the difference in the two following approaches: A) "I felt neglected last night at the party when you never spent any time with me. In fact, if I'm really honest, I was starting to feel slightly jealous, and I don't like that feeling. I really need to talk about this with you." or B) "I am so sick of you always flirting with every man in sight when we go to a party. People are going to think you're nothing but a tramp." Think about which approach will be most likely to result in a meaningful discussion.

7. Remind yourself that your spouse chose you, so he or she finds you and your qualities attractive. Also remember that confidence and self-respect is attractive to others. When you throw a jealous fit, you appear insecure and needy, as if you need constant reassurance of your spouse's commitment. Repeat to yourself, "My wife (or husband) loves me and chose me to spend her life with. I'm lucky to have such a personable, attractive spouse who loves me."

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Marriage often times starts out sweet and almost error - free. When you see your bride, the woman whom you've decided to spend the rest of your life with walk down the aisle, you feel your heart skip a beat. Before you know it, she is already at your side holding your hands and looking into your eyes about to say "YES". Indeed, everything seems to be perfect and as if you are heading into a life that is almost like Utopia. Fast forward to 3 years and you see yourself in front of a judge fighting for your children's custody. This is a very common scene in a divorce court hearing and it usually is not very friendly to the emotions and the eyes. In addition, it can be very costly. Once you start to see the signs early on, you start to ask yourself, "How can I save my marriage?" Is it still possible? Can you still save it? If you spot it early on then the answer would be a definite "YES". Read on and let us tackle what are some of the things that you can do that may save your marriage.

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Marriage should always be union of two individuals who have a steadfast commitment that they will be there for each other no matter how many storms they go through. In short, marriage is about responsibilities and duties and fulfilling all of them. When either one of the parties fails in this area then that can already be a legal ground for divorce. Now let us go back to that question, "How can I save my marriage?" It is pretty simple. Do not slack off. Just as what was mentioned, marriage is about responsibilities and duties and you need to fulfill all of them. You need to be consistent. Some marriages start off well in the first few years and then deteriorate as time goes by. That should be avoided.

In addition, the fire needs to be kept ablaze. This may sound a bit cheesy but marriage is also about keeping each other in love with each other. It is true that both parties have financial obligations towards each other but they too have emotional duties as well. Each party needs to make the other feel loved. You never know what simple gestures like saying, "I love you" and remembering each other on special occasions can do. So once again, "How can I save my marriage?" By doing everything that was just mentioned.

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When you are going through a tough situation in your marriage, the first thing you might think about is divorce. When things become very tiring and you just don't feel like trying any harder, divorce can seem like a feasible solution. However, most of us really want to save our marriages and there are many ways to do that. This article discusses how temporary marriage separations can improve your marriage.

Cooling Off

Much like a typical argument, things usually get better once both parties have had a chance to cool off. A marriage separation can do just this for your marriage. It gives both you and your spouse the chance to cool off and think about things while you are apart. You are still married, of course but legal separations often mean that you will be in separate living arrangements. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and often times, it's true. As we are faced with the reality that we could lose our spouse, a lot of the arguments and fights just don't matter any more. Marriage separation gives you both the chance to cool off and this can definitely improve your marriage.

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While it seems like marriage separations would drive you further away from your spouse, the truth is that it could create better communication and therefore bring you closer together. Communication is the cornerstone of any successful marriage and when you are away from each other for a while, you get a chance to really think of the things you want your husband or wife to know. This gives you a chance to express yourself the way you probably couldn't if you didn't take advantage of the separation. A marriage separation brings you the chance to communicate more effectively, therefore can significantly improve your marriage.

Newfound Inspiration

In the same way that absence makes the heart grow fonder, some time away from your spouse can really give you some newfound inspiration to improve your marriage. You have the chance to really consider the great things about your spouse that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place. Your spouse has the chance to do the same and this is great. Not only do you have the chance to think about all of those great qualities, you also have the chance to let some of the bad things go and realize that they are not that important.

As you take advantage of a marriage separation, you will find yourself feeling tenderer toward your spouse and your marriage. Because you're able to cool off and think about the great things between you and your spouse, it really gives you the chance to make things better. Follow the advice and suggestions in this article to improve your marriage and make it happier and healthier.

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Making the decision to have what you want, will focus your mind on getting it quickly. You will get your husband back as soon as you will make a clear choice. Decide that you will have your husband back and then you will. Making a choice is powerful and you are the only one that can do this. Once you have made the choice to have your husband back it will be a magical moment of clarity. It is when you go back and forth between "yes" or "no" and "maybe" that you will have trouble getting what you want. Make a clear decision to get you want and do not consider anything else and you will have great success.

Making a decision is going to eliminate all your confusion about what you want. Being clear about your wants and desires is the most powerful way to make a choice. You will get your husband back when you are clear about having him. Your thoughts are so powerful and you are the only one that can have them. Making the choice will focus your mind to start working on getting whatever you want. When you are going back and forth between "yes" or "no" and "maybe" It destroys any chance that you may have to get clear. If you are not clear, you will have a vary difficult time thinking and an even more difficult time getting what you really want.

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Getting what you really want is as easy as the decision you make to get it. Making a choice is powerful because all you thoughts will support your decision to get it for you. Demand that you have anything, focus on that one thing and the world will help you get it. Be stubborn about what you will have, because it is what you want and people should not want what you do. So disregard anything that dose not empower you and help you get what you are after. You are the only one that can make choices for you and making any decision is power that only you control.

Making the decision to have what you want is power that only you control and will focus your mind on getting what you want. Nothing can stand in your way once you make a decision to have whatever you decide to have. Focus on making a choice, then decide and you will have a magical moment that will be crystal clear. No back and forth thoughts anymore just clarity of mind. Focus on your decision and you will get your husband back.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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