Key to Successful Relationships: Put Yourself First

Before you can have successful relationships with others, you must master your relationship with yourself. Here’s a radical challenge: Make it a goal to fall back in love with yourself. When I say that to a roomful of people in my seminars, I usually hear lots of nervous giggles. Even the thought of “falling in love with me” seems extreme, and many people reject the idea. But before you can offer others the gifts of happiness, joy, purpose, and fulfillment, you have to own them yourself.

I once had the honor of knowing a wonderful woman named Noel DeCaprio. A successful spa owner, Noel was heralded as a mentor and leader within her industry. She’d been featured and interviewed in magazines and on television for her wisdom, and many people looked to her for coaching, business ideas, and her “you can do it” approach.

Noel experienced a 14-year battle with breast cancer, which eventually took her life in December 1998. Six months before her passing, I interviewed Noel for an audiotape to raise money for breast cancer research. In that interview, she said that after her double mastectomy and months of chemotherapy, she looked in the mirror and hated herself. Noel was wise enough to know she had to find a way to fall back in love with herself, and she did it by making bathing a ritual. Every day, she’d spend hours in the ritual of bathing. She focused on the bath salts, candles, oils, creams, and aromas. She spent time visiting little boutiques that sold such items, having them gift wrapped even though she was buying them for herself. She put so much time into something she’d never had time for before—something that seemed so selfish and narcissistic—that eventually she realized she was back in love with herself. And when that happened, Noel told her family, friends, and staff, “Tell everyone I have cancer! I’m out of the closet, and I want everyone to know so I can help as many people as I can.”

How Noel went on to raise money and awareness for cancer was unbelievable. But let me ask you: Could she have accomplished so much, and benefited so many people, had she not fallen back in love with herself?

Once you solidify your relationship with yourself, you’re ready to move on to your relationships with others. People often think relationships mean that “one and only” person in their life, but every person you contact is a relationship that requires your commitment. If you drive in traffic, you have a relationship with everyone on the freeway. If you drive down the freeway screaming, “Get out of my way!” it’s going to be very difficult for you to walk into work and say, “Hi, happy to serve you.” If you verbally abuse waiters, waitresses, or bank tellers, it’s going to be very difficult for you to have a successful, intimate relationship with a spouse or partner.

Remember that every relationship offers you the opportunity to grow and learn. If you assume that everyone is doing their best—just as you are—and choose to give people a break, you’ll find yourself developing the warm, wonderful, nice relationships you desire.