Listening in Relationships

Listening in Relationshipsrnï£ 2000 Onwards Jan-Marie Brooke

The art of assertive communication is becoming an extremely important aspect to relationships. Whether they are intimate, family, friends or business relationships the need is there.

For most of my young life I had been told that I had said certain things, which I did not remember saying. This resulted in some very painful experiences for me with my family. I finally decided I could no longer stand this and moved right away from them. It puzzled me as to why this happened but found that provided I kept my distance from them; we managed to have a half-way normal relationship. However, it did not give me what I needed, which was a close loving relationship with my family

When my marriage ended, in an attempt to understand what was happening in my world, I sought counselling. Which lead to a course on Self-Esteem and Assertive Communication. That initial step changed my life. As I integrated techniques to effectively communicate, I came to understand that in most cases it was also about NOT LISTENING.

We tend to ONLY HEAR what WE WANT to hear. Added to this mix of not being able to hear what is actually being said, are suppressed emotions, bubbling to the surface for release. Except if this release work is not done, these disowned emotions begin to directing our communication. Then we only hear what we think we hear based on our childhood or adult wounding.
As we collect these wounds from childhood to adulthood and do not process them, they collect into the subconscious. From time to time, a particular emotion will begin to bubble up to the surface, attempting to get your attention. These emotions are stressful and can create great frustration and pain. That anger and grief bursts forth in our communications and is demonstrated as victim, persecutor or rescuing behaviour.
Rescuer/Victim/Persecutor which forms a revolving triangle

The communication between two people then consists of one person coming from a victim mentality and the other person either demonstrating Persecutor or Rescuer behaviours. Unfortunately, what generally happens is that one or both will get into BLAME.

When we hear what we want to hear - We tend to get into Blame.

Unfortunately, this is when most arguments begin to escalate. How do we put a halt to this before it gets out of hand and the interaction ends in abusive behaviour or at the very least damages the relationship beyond repair?

It is important to step back. Take some time out.

Calmly think through what has just occurred. Ask yourself what is being mirrored back to me from this interaction?

In almost every case, if a person has placed blame at your door, then there is some element of truth in the matter. It is indeed difficult to own this stuff. However, if we can accept equal responsibility for the co-creation of the experience we are at least at the start of a great healing for ourselves.

Relationships are our greatest tool for self-healing.

When we are confronted by some intense interaction, it can be quite confronting to accept that maybe we are egotistical or arrogant. Or that maybe our behaviour has been abusive in some way. The point is, we all do this to some degree. It is not that we are bad people - we are human. To be human is to have emotions. What we DO NEED to embrace is – some for of emotional stress release and the FREEDOM to BE program is brilliant for this.

To actually hear what another person is actually saying and not what we THINK they are saying requires being emotionally clear. This however, is not easy to achieve unless you a conscious of what you are feel and can recognise when you are out of balance and more reactive than usual. For relationships to be calm and easy it is important to be observant and brutally honest about what is actually taking place in the relationships. If the waters are not smooth you can be sure that something is bubbling up to the surface in one or both. Stop, observe, listen and be honest. Nothing is gained by moving into judgement or justification. What happens in most cases is that when there is a disagreement between two people, the first thing we do is run to another person.

To justify that we really are an ‘Okay Person’ and what the other person has said is not true. This is okay provided that the people you are speaking to can be detached and will not further inflame the issue.

When a 3rd party is invited into a disagreement between two or more people, it is important to take note of the exact words. Write these down if necessary. Then one by one, take those words and ask the person, where they think they are expressing this in their conversation. Listen to see if there are words of blame and judgement. Ask, if the person is prepared to accept at least part of the responsibility for the disagreement. If they are not, then what is happening is that the person is in denial about the real issue and nothing will be gained by further discussion on the issue at this point.

Instead, what happens is that we perpetrate this energy of Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. It is a no win situation.

Personal responsibility needs to come from within. We can lead by example, not by demanding, expecting or telling another person where they are going wrong. The best thing anyone can do is to detach and own what aspect is within and heal that aspect. The more this happens the clearer you become – which means you will have fewer dramas and misunderstandings. Emotional release is the key to balanced and harmonious relationships.