Relationship Justice

When two people enter into a relationship, it’s my belief they enter with intentions to freely share love, resources and energy with their mate. This mutual exchange of love, resources and energy cultivates fertile ground for the best friendships and love relationships to develop.
Mutuality is necessary within successful relationship because it creates the optimal ecosystem for each person to just be, thrive and grow.

You’ve probably been in a relationship like this before. Think about how early in that relationship, each person was in tuned with the love language of the other. Remember how you shared your dreams and your partner was your biggest supporter. And all the time you spent together was refreshing, especially after a long work day. The relationship was great. You were freely loving and freely being loved.

Then something happened. Something was introduced into your relationship’s ecosystem that disrupted the free flow of love, resources and energy.

Someone couldn’t accept the unpredictability of a free flowing relationship. So either you or your partner decided to keep a record of the relationship’s flow because someone couldn’t stand the thought of things being out of balance. To maintain balance and control in the distribution of love, resources and energy, someone thought it was a good idea to begin comparing how love was distributed.

You may not see anything wrong with tracking the flow of the relationship. But your ability to demonstrate love to your partner is a unique gift. Similarly, your partner’s ability to show you love is uniquely theirs. I believe comparing love displays isn’t fair and is a worthless pursuit. The reason I call this an unfair practice is because no two individual’s love journey is the same. And yet you and your partner still met at the same point in the journey. For example, you may have been raised in a very affectionate family where hugs were the norm and naturally you expect this behavior to continue in your relationship. However, you didn’t know that your partner wasn’t exposed to this type of display of affection until your relationship. So expecting that your partner automatically return love toward you in manner that you predetermined, is unfair. Instead the perfect opportunity is presented for you to freely share resources that support your partner growing in this area. Besides your partner is already demonstrating love toward you, it’s just not in the way you expect. And instead of recognizing the uniqueness of their love display, you impose your expectations and compare the results. Well when this happens, your vision is blinded to an organic connection.

Comparing and keeping record in a love relationship is totally unacceptable. I call this relationship justice and I place it on the top of my list of ways to sabotage a relationship. How do I freely love when you are watching my every move? How do I freely share with you, when I constantly hear, “I’m doing all this but you’re only doing this.”

Unfortunately, the introduction of non-acceptance and tit-for-tat tallying will turn the relationship’s fertile ground into a hot bed for drama and dysfunction. In relationship justice, the natural ebb and flow of a relationship is blocked. Soon arguments are more frequent than laughter because justice and balance are regular instigators.

Are you guilty?
It’s perfectly ok to admit if you’ve been the perpetrator of relationship justice.
It’s ok to admit you set up an accountability system in a free-flowing relationship and then acted as judge and juror.
It’s ok because there is recovery from relationship justice, there is hope.

Recovery Tip#1-Track the way you receive love & Express thanks
Start observing for one full day and build up from there. You’ll be surprised at the creativity involved in the way people show love. Regularly, let your partner know you appreciate being loved and their unique way of showing it.
Recovery Tip#2-Relish your role as the love leader in your relationship
Usually someone is the love leader in every relationship. But everyone is the love leader at different times and in different aspects of the relationship. So find your love leader identity and enjoy it. Freely and consistently demonstrate love in this area with no complaints.

Remember love and justice have nothing to do with one another. Our responsibility is to be a love leader who consistently creates a space for our partner to be, grow and thrive.

Author's Bio: 

As people all around her swore off meaningful relationships and constantly complained about the dating process, Elitia knew she had to respond---for love’s sake. She founded WhenLoveWorks, a relationship platform that combines coaching and retreat experiences for individuals, couples and groups who want to save time, money and energy in building successful love relationships.
Elitia is a life coach and educator who inspires men and women to go within, engage in transformative work and operate at optimal levels within their relationships. Her personable expression of difficult concepts allows for expedient transformation in the lives of her clients. Elitia and the WhenLoveWorks team have created a dozen relationship building programs.
Born and raised in New Orleans, Louisiana, Elitia sought better career opportunities prompting a move to New York City. During a summer trip back to New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina shattered any hopes of returning home. And even though Elitia wanted to stay and support the rebuilding efforts of her hometown, she knew the economic and academic landscape would be more stable in New York.
Her degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Administration and Supervision. She is a certified coach and member of two national honor societies. Elitia is happily married with three children and lives in New York City with her loving husband.