Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen

What's up, Doc!

I read your articles every week in askmen.com and I consider myself a follower of The "System." I wonder if you could help me out. My brother's girlfriend told me about this girl she works with. She told me that we had a lot in common, including the fact that we live in the same city. She sounded great, so I told my brother's girlfriend to give her my phone number. The following evening, she called me. We seemed to hit it off right away.

Things went great at first. Her Interest Level was high. I had what George Costanza from Seinfeld called "hand" - she would call me at least two times a day while I would call her every other day. Things went great until the one time I waited three days to call her, thinking that this was the way to go. When I asked her how she was doing, she said angrily, "You'd know if you'd call me." From then on, I called her every day.

My problem is this: it feels as though I have lost "hand." We've been talking for two months now, but I feel that her Interest Level has drastically decreased. I want to take our relationship to the next level, but I'm running out of options. What can I do?

Stan - who is stumped

Hi Stan,

When your girl said, "You'd know if you'd call me," you should have said: "I'm sorry I messed up your schedule, your highness," instead of rolling over like Fido. This girl is already throwing zingers at you and you haven't even been out yet - what's her rush? She can spend a lifetime of playing the Putdown Queen after you marry her!

Contrary to what you might have thought, having numerous telephone conversations with a girl without a single face-to-face meeting is not dating - this is a classic Telephone Blunder. The fact that she called you twice a day for a while only indicates that she had high Interest Level in your voice!

If you had asked her out for a Short Date, you would have found out the first night whether or not your relationship was moving to the next level. This sure beats waiting two months - only to find out that she never desired a romantic relationship in the first place. I'm sorry to say that this describes your case, Stan.

Your girl is what I like to call a Telephone Time Waster, a kissing cousin of the Professional Dater. This confuser has 40 to 49% Interest Level in you, plus she is structured to boot. She uses Ma Bell and her answering machine as a means of always keeping the man at arm's length. When you try to start a relationship with a T.T.W., she'll tell you: "I'm more comfortable getting to know you better over the phone before we have our first date." The problem is, the first date never happens.

When dealing with a T.T.W., forget what you want out of the relationship - her agenda is the only thing she cares about. This type of woman doesn't want a boyfriend; she wants strokes from anonymous admirers over the phone lines. By the way, Stan - you don't think that this is the first time she has run this scam, do you? If so, your lights are on, but no one's home. The sad fact is, she won't be lonely after you get the drift and move on - because there will be plenty of dummies to take your place.

How do I know your girl is a T.T.W.? Because, if she were interested in romance, she would have dropped big hints about wanting to go on a date with you within the first week. Instead, she seemed perfectly content to have this imaginary relationship continue until kingdom come.

This brings me to the subject of flexibility - or her lack of it, to be exact. When you waited three days between phone calls, she threw a fit. This, of course, was an overreaction - after all: you two weren't even dating. So, why the tantrum? Besides withholding her ego's favorite drug (male attention), you unknowingly broke one of her rules.

A T.T.W., like all structured women, has rules that her men must follow (rules before a first date - wow!). She has no qualms about wasting your time on the telephone (or in chat rooms, like her sister, The Internet Time Waster does) but if you break her rules, there is Hell to pay! Of course, you were wrong to go along with this charade; by doing so, you unwittingly sanctioned her counterfeit relationship, along with its royal decrees!

Falling for her trap was bad enough, but one part of your story really made me cringe: it was the moment where you let yourself get intimidated and manipulated by her angry reaction. You were so afraid of her leaving you, that at her slightest growl; you came back to her apologizing. I'm sorry to say, Stan: she worked you like a cheap puppet from Toys 'R Us.

You thought, incorrectly, that if The "System" screened out your girl then you and "System" would be the losers - not her. The fact of the matter is you should be thrilled when a demanding or structured woman is filtered out - she isn't eligible for dating anyway.

You must understand and appreciate this deep point: we want to get rid of trouble before it happens. The "System" does not measure success by how many women you keep from walking out of your life; its success comes from your increased happiness and sanity, which comes from only keeping the women with high Interest Levels and good attitudes in your life.

At the end of the first conversation, you should have asked your girl to meet somewhere for coffee. If she had refused, you could have disqualified her that night and saved yourself two months of heartache.

Following The "System," automatically makes bad love choices fall by the wayside, while the good choices will want to have your baby. Keep in mind that by practicing my principles, you are one step closer to finding and keeping Miss Right.

Guys, e-mail me at doclove@doclove.com with your love challenges. All will be answered, but because of space, only letters of general interest will be printed. To find out more about The "System" visit me at: www.doclove.com or (800) 404-2644.

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Author's Bio: 

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coach's men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"