Loyalty and Infidelity

Nothing strikes fear in the heart more than the thought that your mate is cheating on you with someone else. Yet every year more and more marriages and engagements are destroyed by infidelity.
What leads normally rational people to commit the one irreversible act that is sure to kill off the trust, intimacy, and joy of being loved and respected by your most intimate companion, friends and family?
Are we slaves to hormonal impulses or do we subconsciously destroy twenty years of intimacy, while fantasizing about a future with a partner that deceives their mate?
Perhaps you imagine that the person having sex with a married man or woman will respect and cherish you after you’ve divorced the one you are cheating.
A woman knows the truth of betrayal in her heart. Never again will you look deeply into her eyes without her feeling it, knowing that you avoid her deepest gaze.
I speak not from moral judgment but of experience. In a previous marriage I made that mistake too. It cost me everything I had worked hard for and honestly earned, including my self-respect and all I believed in. After loosing a fifteen year marriage, a home, a business and the respect of my son and my friends, I discovered that the pain had just begun.
In one forgettable moment I had undermined the integrity that made me a beloved father, a respected leader in my community and a trusted friend; the honor that gave power to my words, confidence in my walk, and inspired respect from my peers.
For one night with woman whose name I forgot, I threw away my self-respect. Like a secret Kung-fu strike that paralyzes an internal organ, my marriage had been dealt a deathblow. It took four years to finally stumble off into the woods and die.
Years ago I dedicated my life make a difference in the world. At that time I had been training myself and teaching others over eighteen years. Teaching the principles of connecting to core wisdom, and living according to higher purpose and to have integrity with their own heart.
That this happened with me put in question everything I believed in and taught. I had to resolve it. For that marriage it was too late. But what if I could transform this tragedy? What if I could help others from falling into that trap? That would be a victory worth fighting for.
When I married as a young man I never really believed I could sleep with only one woman for the rest of my life. I went into the marriage just hoping that somehow I would find a way to be true.
I didn’t know that it would be years before I reached a level of maturity to authentically say that I know who I am; without hesitation that I will be true to my word. Now it is myself I am true to. Not just my wife.
I am unbelievably fortunate to have met and married my wife, Azita. She is the most brilliant and beautiful woman I know. It’s easy to be loyal to our relationship because there is nothing I want more than to see her happy. It is my greatest joy and I wouldn’t risk that for anything.
Most people know that today’s divorce rate is at 51%. Most of those happen in the first three years. Considering the number of “in house divorces” it’s more like 65%.
An “in house divorce” is where a couple shares the same house but no longer live as husband and wife. They keep up appearances, but behind closed doors, there’s a divorce.
How many couples are living this lie right now and looking for a way out?
How many of these are because of an infidelity?
Men and women view infidelity differently.
Men are naturally polygamous. For the first half of their lives men have 20 times more testosterone than women. They are designed and equipped to impregnate as many women as possible before they die. In the absence of available sex, young men experience both physical and psychological pressure that is raging to be released. It drives them to roam and compete, to conquest in an attempt to validate their most fundamental drives.
When a man falls in love, a deeper level of nature rises up into his memory transforming his character and motivating him to be ardently engaged in the future.
It is the promise of self-esteem and purpose… of a higher possibility that ignites him beyond the simple gratification of pleasure. The recognition that he must strive to be worthy of her challenges him to create a life that she could choose. And it is in this crucial transformation of masculine sexual energies that the foundations of a sustained civilized society are formulated and released.
The roles of husband and father don’t come naturally to a man. They must be learned. They are necessary cultural inventions and they are ultimately fragile.

Young girls dream of the man that will steal her heart, take her away and make her the center of his world. She is continually reminded that she is capable of performing the only act that gives sex an unquestionable meaning… the perpetuation of the species.
For women, love, marriage, conceiving, bearing and suckling the child are critical and biologically defined sexual experiences. And they are deeply fulfilling.

The importance of these experiences in a woman’s life distinguishes a woman’s sexuality and defines the source of her moral strength. They place her in a position of responsibility in the future of civilization that is inescapable.

Today’s women enjoy more career ambitions and sexual freedoms than ever before, yet they cannot avoid their ultimate role in civilizing men without endangering civilization itself.

While great sex might draw men into relationships, it is stable long-term relationships that are the critical building blocks of all stable civilizations. In the absence of committed relationships life is unpredictable and unfulfilling.
Marriage is based on a promise, a word of honor. Can trust be restored once that promise is broken?
Can the damage be repaired?

My personal and professional experience has shown that we can.
Relationships fail not because of the betrayal alone but because of the lies that follow. Trust cannot exist inside of a lie. And without trust; love is cut off at the roots. Most people kill the relationship to avoid telling the truth about their indiscretion.
They would rather loose everything; their house, their kids and their spouses than to do the one thing that could possibly save it all. Tell the truth.

Telling the truth and working with a qualified therapist or coach to resolve the issues that had them looking for love outside the marriage in the first place. It is never just one person’s responsibility. Both parties have to look at what was missing. What is their part in the matter?
A broken promise cannot be repaired. But trust can be restored through truth and forgiveness. A new promise can be made once a foundation of integrity has been restored. Old wounds can be healed and a new life created over time.
From what I’ve seen, the hardest part is for the one who cheated to forgive themselves.
Without self-forgiving you can’t accept the forgiveness of another.

The final step is to reaffirm your vows. You need to speak from your heart a commitment to spend your lives together and to finally close the door to all other possibilities.
Marriage is a sacred promise; one that is worthy of our highest respect. Treat it as you would any precious jewel. For once the crystal is broken its brilliance is tarnished. You can start again with a clean with a new promise and a brand new ring. With effort and time it’s worth it.

It could be said that the purpose of lifelong relationship is to become fully aware and alive to the fullness of your being and to share that richness with another.
To discover every false notion, idea or belief that you ever held about your truest nature and to free yourself to become all that you really are.
If there is even a tiny bit of love left it is always worth fighting for. Never give up on love.
Gregory Morgan is a Certified Hypnotherapist, NLP Master and Certified Results and Relationship Coach. As Co-Founder and COO of Embrace Growth, LLC and Legacy of Love Foundation
he creates of some of the innovative programs and educational materials offered by Embrace Growth which include Relationship Seminars, books, CDs and DVDs. He is the author of the "12 Stages of Romantic Relationship" and Legacy of Love. He hosts “Love Talk” on ParsTV.
Embrace Growth, LLC - 4929 Wilshire Blvd. Suite 930, Los Angeles, CA
Tel. (310) 460-2600 - www.embracegrowth.com