Making A Second Marriage Work: Second Marriages With Stepchildren

It is no secret that more marriages fail than succeed. Ruining a second marriage comes easier it seems since there is the accumulation of behaviors, attitudes and beliefs from the first marriage. Following these steps will certainly lead to your demise as a marriage partner if that is your desire.

Here is a compilation of the most common steps taken to ruin a second marriage. Doing these things consistently will assure it will end quickly and painfully for both of you.

1- Remind your partner regularly how their shortcomings, character flaws, manner of speech or any thing else your find objectionable reminds you of your ex-spouse. When they respond negatively remind them that your ex would always respond the same way.

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2- Regularly spend time without your partner around other friends and co-workers, preferably of the opposite gender. Whenever possible, share the dysfunctions of your partner and relationship openly with the people around you. Regularly tell these people how you'd be happier without your current spouse. Certainly these statements will get back to your spouse quickly and serve to undermine what little trust and respect they may still have for you

3- Regularly act out of character from what your spouse would expect of you, be disrespectful, lack integrity and be unpredictable in negative and socially unacceptable ways. Be certain to repeat the mistakes of your past and when your spouse says anything about your behavior tell them it's their problem and they need to get a life.

If you actually desire to have a successful marriage then don't follow these steps, in fact do the opposite and do it fast. Certainly I would never really recommend these steps to anyone but when we look at second marriage success it becomes apparent that many people don't heal and move beyond their past failures. There is a better way though. Do you want a better marriage?

It has taken both of your efforts to get here. One person taking the initiative to make positive changes can make the difference in a relationship. With the proper assistance you will be on your way quickly to restoring your relationship.

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Marriage break ups are triggered by various factors, ranging from serious issues like infidelity to trivial misunderstandings. There are certain behavioral patterns that may appear normal and harmless but that may end up in a marriage break up without your realizing what has been happening. Should you not guard against such behavioral patterns in the interest of saving your marriage?

If a marriage breaks up due to some serious issue resulting from strains caused in the relationship, both the partners will understand and even accept the reasons for the break up, irrespective of the fact whether either of them could have done something to save their marriage. But if the marriage break up occurs apparently for no reason, you will keep wondering what went wrong. If only you had known the factors that contributed to the ending of the relationship, you could have done something before it was too late. Let us look at just two of these trivial factors that can upset the marriage cart without giving you any warning about the impending disaster.

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1) Treating your spouse like a piece of furniture:
How do you treat the pieces of furniture in your house? You use them whenever you need to but otherwise don't even think of them. What do you think will happen if you treat your spouse the same way? I am not exaggerating. There are some people who are so self-centered that they do not even recognize the presence of their spouse except during the times they are together. You talk to your spouse nicely, dine with them, sleep with them and go out with them. But at other times, you just don't even recognize their presence. You don't bother to find out about their likes and dislikes, about their friends, about their professional, personal or social experiences. You treat them the same way you will treat a co-worker in your place of work. You realize the need to work together and you recognize their presence only to that extent. Such an approach will alienate your spouse from you in no time without your even realizing what is happening.

2) Being rude:
You may be a short tempered person but do not expect your spouse to put up with your impolite and discourteous behavior. You can't get away with the plea 'This is the way I am. They have to understand me and adjust with me.' This attitude will never work. Everyone likes to be treated with dignity. If you are unable to control your temper at times and show your irritation to your spouse, apologize to them once you realize that you have been rude. A sincere apology will soothe their hurt feelings.

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There are three important points for you to know to get over selfishness and learn how to prioritize your partner. These include: having a service oriented heart, being humble and standing in his/her shoes.

1) Serving With All Your Heart

Learning to serve would probably be one of the most important acts that can battle selfishness. Whether you're a man or a woman, it is important that you learn how to serve your spouse with all your heart. For instance, women can serve their husbands by taking care of his daily needs; such as preparing his clothes, food and the like. However, as a man, you can still serve your wife by helping her out with strenuous activities. Also, if you're a guy, this doesn't mean that you can't take charge of the kitchen once in a while. Try switching roles with her by preparing dinner. Take it from us your partner will appreciate it!

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2) Being Humble

When married, you have to get rid of all the pride that's left in your body. Keep in mind that both of you should try to work out anger. Practice humility by accepting that you're wrong, when you know that you made a mistake.

3) Put Yourself in his or her Shoes

If you want to know exactly how you can prioritize your partner, you should try putting yourself in his/her shoes. This can really help. For instance, you know your spouse had a bad day at work. Think about if you were him/her, what would your partner be feeling at the moment and what can possibly cheer him/her up?

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Being assertive is a good thing for marriage because it lets our spouse know how we are feeling and that means productive communication. Anytime we express ourselves to our spouse in a good way we are being confident in what we are saying and that is what assertiveness is.

Don't confuse assertive behavior with being bossy, pushy, controlling, demanding, or aggressive because those behaviors will not help you in your communications with your spouse or with any others you are in a relationship with. These behaviors are inappropriate actions and will result in unproductive expression of self.

When we assert ourselves, such as the way we feel, to our spouse, it helps them to understand us better, and that way they can meet our needs in a much better way, which is beneficial for the marriage. Being assertive is useful for marriage, especially during a misunderstanding or argument.

Assertive expression is a good way to communicate if we want to improve the openness and intimacy of our marriage. Most of us married people need and want a spouse who is going to be open and assertive with their feelings, need, and wants. But sometimes we can come across as naggy, bossy, or complaining, so we need to be careful how we assert ourselves. Discernment is the key here.

Be Assertive When...

1. Be assertive when you need your spouse to know how you feel

2. Be assertive when you need to assert self-confidence in your ability about something

3. Be assertive when you feel that your spouse does not understand how you feel

4. Be assertive when you have children that need to obey your house rules

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5. Be assertive when you want to show more self-assurance in certain areas of your life

6. Be assertive when you need to be open and honest

7. Be assertive when you find yourself people-pleasing

Don't Be Assertive If...

1. Don't be assertive if it is going to hurt someone emotionally, mentally, or spiritually

2. Don't be assertive if it does not let someone know how you feel about something

3. Don't be assertive if you are being pushy, controlling, or aggressively assertive

4. Don't be assertive if you are annoying or invalidating

5. Don't be assertive if it makes you selfish

The best way to tell your spouse how you feel about something without them overthrowing your feelings is to first validate them and their opinion. Be positive first and then assert your own feelings and thoughts. Never put down, deny, or invalidate the way a person feels. Everyone thinks and feels differently and we should never deny another persons feelings, even if it differs from our own.

If you are having an argument with your spouse, it is perfectly OK to assert your feelings and express yourself productively, meaning, if it is going to help the argument get to a resolve, than by all means tell it like it is. Be politely assertive and it will help the outcome of the argument.

How To Be Politely Assertive

1. Be respectful at all times

2. Say how you feel, but don't say how someone else feels

3. Stay positive about the feelings of another

4. Be open and honest about how you feel

People-pleasing spouses usually do not assert themselves and they end up feeling resentful and disappointed with the marriage. This is very detrimental to the marriage. Not only does your spouse not know how you feel but also they will not be able to assist in the recovery of your feelings through a resolution because they do not know what you want or need.

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What is people-pleasing? People-pleaser's want everyone to be happy. They work hard to make sure to please everyone but themselves. Resentment settles in causing animosity and other negative feelings. Ironically neither spouse is happy in this kind of marriage because the receiving spouse feels the resentment and bitterness of the people-pleaser spouse from their emotions and behaviors.

Unfortunately, I have seen it happen over and over again, when a spouse does not speak up about what they want and need they become like a punching bag. They take in lots of taunting, rejection, and disrespect. But the minute they begin to assert themselves with self-confidence to their spouse they start getting the respect they deserve.

The truth is we can still please our spouse and get what we want too, by being assertive about our wants and needs. We need to find balance that brings joy and happiness to the marriage. We shouldn't become selfish to be assertive, but we should become assertive to bring more happiness into the marriage.

We can only please ourselves by letting others know how we feel. And when we do assert ourselves we feel more loving. Love will flow freely from our heart and this is real love. We assert ourselves so we can be more loving! Now, what spouse does not want to be genuinely loved by the man or woman they married? Strangely enough, the more we please ourselves, the better marriage partner we become. With our own needs fulfilled, we will have so much more to give.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. ( 1 John 4:11,12)

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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