Managing Emotion Helping Yourself in Times of Stress by Johanna Courtleigh, MA, LPC

If your upbringing was anything like mine, you probably grew up in a family where strong feelings weren’t too well-tolerated. I was told to ‘rise above’ when I was unhappy, and to ‘simmer down’ when I was having too much fun. I came to learn that in the vast continuum of emotional experience there was a narrow middle ground that was socially acceptable. Most of us know that ground as the arena of being “fine”.

But we’re not always fine. This is one of the gifts and challenges of being human. We have been given an amazing capacity to feel, and for the most part, we believe the ‘down side’ of this capacity to be a terrible mistake.

As a therapist I often hear people complaining about their feelings, and wishing they could finally be rid of them. But we do have a vast and complex capacity to feel, and part of the process of healing and growth lies in learning to tolerate and open to deeper and deeper levels of experiencing ourselves. This means learning to manage our feelings without using substances or behaviors to numb and distract us, or beating ourselves up internally when we’re feeling something we don’t quite enjoy. We must find compassion for ourselves when we’re suffering, and alternatives for handling the uncomfortable aspects of our humanness.

Thich Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and author of many books, including Being Peace, teaches a simple tool for working with feelings. It is easy, quick, and can be practiced anywhere, in any situation. When you’re feeling something you experience difficulty with, pause a moment to take a few deep breaths. This helps relax the body, re-focus your attention, and quiet the chatter that goes on in the mind. Then, acknowledge the feeling by naming it:

“Hello, little _________. I know you’re there,
and I’m gong to take good care of you.”

We name the feeling, say hello to it, and embrace it gently, with compassion. Calling it ‘little’ gives us a sense that the feeling, indeed, is not so overwhelming, and also gives us dominion over it, as if we’re speaking lovingly to someone we care about. We are having the feeling; the feeling is not having us! Thus, we begin to cultivate the part of ourselves that can nurture and soothe ourselves, from within, in times of difficulty.

When we are willing to meet our challenging feelings with a sense of nurturing and kindness, if even for a moment, they can begin to transform. What I like about this process is its simplicity. You can work with it when you’re driving, sitting at the office, or having a challenging interaction with someone. You can use it to work with whatever comes up inside you that you consider ‘unpleasant.’ We are all so good at speaking unkindly to ourselves. What a relief it is to finally begin to talk to ourselves with patience, kindness and love. Day and night, a river of feeling flows through us. We will find success not by learning to silence or eliminate the ones we don’t enjoy, but by learning to meet and attend to our emotional experiences with care, attention and compassion. “Hello little discomfort, I know you’re there, and I’m going to take good care of you.” I’m going to take good care of me.