by: Tara M.

Me And My Recovery

The last week has been a very busy week. The school semester is winding down, and finals are here. The pressure I put on myself is so great, today I hold myself to a higher standard. And it is because of who I once was and where I’ve been. ......Yesterday I was reminded of these things as I drove down the street. I saw someone carrying all their stuff and looking lost. Not knowing where they were going to get food, money or drugs on that day. Trying desperately to get their hustle on. Actually I see some of the same people on a daily basis, and they are doing the same thing, over and over again and expecting different results. Insanity at it’s finest.

Looking back at my active addiction, I am sometimes amazed at what I put myself through, and what I lived through. I used to think that the drug saved my life; I found the release which was so necessary to get me beyond myself, my feelings of shame and anger, and my desire to die. I had lost all hope and what was good in my life. I did more and more things to get my drugs. I have lived in the park and an old abandoned house. No heat in the winter, wearing all the clothes I owned every night just to stay warm. I behaved in many ways I always considered immoral. More importantly, I stopped enjoying the drugs, but I couldn’t stop using it. This realization was my bottom. I continued this way for a long time, but my exposure to the drugs was to great and so was my need. Night after night and day after day, I promised myself I wouldn’t do any, but the minute it came my way, I did it without thinking. I would then spend the next several hours beating myself up over it, until I used again to make the pain go away. And it did, but not for long. i used to live and lived to use. I saw more sunrises from the wrong side. I rarely slept. I rarely ate. Then something began to happen. I began to die. It was at this time I knew I had to make a choice, to give up, let the drugs take me, or stay and fight and become the woman I am meant to be. I chose life.

I made it onto this program because someone else worked their 12th step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to NEVER, EVER FORGET THAT. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still suffering, I wouldn’t be here today. My gratitude begins with this fact. It is with this gratitude in mind that I reach out to others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and a peace from within, the gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could ever have imagined. I need to remember where I came from so I can have something by which to measure my growth. Hi my name is tara. I say I’m an addict first because if I don’t remember what I am, it won’t matter who I am...........

Surrendering my will puts me in contact with a higher power, who fills the empty place inside that nothing, no drug, could ever fill. I have learned to trust god for daily help. Living just for today relieves the burden of the past and the fear of the future. Some things I must accept, others I can change. The wisdom to know the difference comes from growth in my spiritual program. With the help of my higher power, I never have to use

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