Modern Day Parenting: Praise the Positive

Many parents I work with are stressed, and with good reason. With the current economic situation and the state of the world in general life can be very stressful. We are working longer for less. We are also a culture which is constantly on the "go". Squeezing good parenting habits into busy, overworked schedules can be really difficult. We sometimes tend to only focus on behavior that needs to be stopped and forget to "Praise the Positive". And this is unfortunate. What do I mean by "Praise the Positive" and why is it so important? Praising the Positive is rewarding good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. It lets your children know how proud and happy you are when they engage in behavior you desire. Telling them how nice they were for saying "please" or "thank you", letting them know how much you appreciate them doing chores without having to be told to, commending their efforts to clean their own rooms and complimenting them when they voluntary share their toys reinforces and rewards behavior you want to see more of. Psychologist Eric Berne referred to this positive attention or respect as giving "strokes". Giving children "strokes" for good behavior will encourage more of the same behavior. And the best part? There are no negative side effects. You don't have to nag, yell or punish. Child don't throw tantrums, run away from you, cry, pout or lash out for being praised. The experience is purely positive for both you and the child. And it can have amazingly transformative effects. Children who receive only negative feedback from the adults in their lives may start to identify as "bad" children. Their self esteem drops and the confidence plummets because they get no attention or respect for being "good". When they begin receiving strokes from parents rather than criticism the effects are visible. They hold their held a little higher. Their eyes light up and they grin from ear to ear. Children who live in very punitive households may start to engage in more bad behavior because they realize this is the only thing that gets the attention of adults. Changing what you focus on will result in a change of behavior. If temper tantrums and pouting are ignored and good behavior is what gets your attention, what do think the child will do? Practice more good behavior. Other children may go through childhood being the "good" child in order to avoid punishment, but taking no pride in their accomplishments because no one notices. They grow up believing that life will only punish them for misbehaving, but delivers no rewards for working hard. You see them as adults working in dead-end, thankless jobs because they do not seek accomplishments or rewards in which they can take pride or feel competent. They only work to avoid penalization. Providing these children with rewards can be doubly delightful. They were already behaving well, but now they do it because it feels good. They are delighted to find that you are happy with them. Praising the Positive may be hard to implement at first. In American households, overstressed parents may find that noticing when a child is not misbehaving may be difficult at first. But it is worth the effort, both for the kind of relationship you have with your child and for the kinds of relationships your child will have in the future. See more articles on mental health issues, parenting and families at my blog: http://www.kellevision.com.