It can be hard for a woman to understand, that’s if she is in a relationship with a man who is emotionally entangled with his mother, why her partner is so focused on his mother. This might not have stood out in the beginning, but as time passed, it will have become crystal clear.

There will have been how available he was at the beginning and how available he is now. Due to how much time he will spend doing things for his mother, he won’t have a lot of time left to be there for her.

Not an Issue

Also, in the beginning, she may have overlooked how he was with his mother and just put it down to him caring about her. This may have been seen as something that was positive and a sign of how caring he was.

Yet, what would have been seen as a good thing at first would have gradually been seen as a bad thing. What this may show is that she hasn’t been with a man like this before, which is why she was unable to spot the signs.

Opening Up

After putting up with this for a little while, she could talk to him about what is going on. He could end up dismissing what she says and say that she is being selfish and/or that she has something against his mother.

She then wouldn’t have had a hidden agenda but it would have been as though she just wanted to have a go at him. If this takes place, it will show that he is unable to see what is going on.


He will be neglecting himself by doing so much for his mother and this is going to cause him to suffer. Now, he can cover this up and pretend that he is fine but this will just be a facade.

What this comes down to is that he is an individual with his own needs, and, if he doesn’t meet these needs, he is not going to be able to function at his best. By rarely, if ever, being there for himself, he is going to spend a lot of time running on empty.


However, due to how estranged he is from what is going on within him and how focused he is on his mother, he won’t even realise that he is neglecting himself. If he was able to detach from his experience and reflect on how he behaves, it would be clear that he is neglecting himself.

This would allow him to see that his partner is on his side, not against him and is trying to assist him, not tear him down. The big question is: why isn’t he aware of what is going on?

Blocked Out

Firstly, he will have most likely been this way since he was very small and this will mean that being there for his mother will just be what is normal. As a result of this, it is not going to be something that stands out.

Moreover, as he won’t have a strong connection to his body, and thus, will be out of touch with his needs and feelings, he won’t have the need to change his behaviour. Another part of this is that he is likely to have an idealised view of his mother.

Too Much to Handle

If he was to accept that his mother is using him and used him very early on to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, he is likely to come into contact with a lot of pain. He could feel betrayed, rejected, worthless and deeply unloved.

And, thanks to how he was treated very early on, he could end up being overwhelmed with guilt if he was to even think about, let alone express, his own needs. Ultimately, he will live in a disembodied state and won’t have a strong sense of self, hence why he is able to live in this way.

Drawing the line

However, if what his partner has said was to sink in and he was to begin to see what is really going on, he could start to get angry. This will show that he has started to wake up and accept that he is not here to focus on his mother.

What it will also illustrate is that he has started to value himself and to realise that he deserves more from life. Before, as he didn’t realise this, there would have been no reason for him to get angry.

Inner Fire

This anger will be coming from his aggression/fight instinct and it will be there to protect him. As he had to please his mother very early on and it wasn’t safe for him to express himself – if he did, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned – he had to lose touch with this part of his being.

Or to be more accurate, he would have had to lost touch with most of his being; his instincts and emotional self. He will look like a whole human being from the outside, but, on the inside, he will be a divided being.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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