If a man is in a position where he is unable to live his own life due to how focused he is on his mother, it will be clear that he is out of balance. He will be acting more like an extension of his mother than a separate human being who has his own needs and feelings.

If he didn’t have his own needs and feelings, behaving in this way wouldn’t have a negative effect on his life. But, as he does have his own needs and feelings, he will suffer.


However, while he will not be living in a way that is serving him, he might not be consciously aware of this. In this case, deep down he will know that he is out of alignment with himself but this information won’t enter his conscious mind.

His inner defences, along with focusing on his mother, will help to keep how he feels at bay. Another part of this is that a number of his needs will be kept at bay and outside of his conscious awareness.

The Catalyst

It is for this reason that something dramatic might need to happen for him to be able to see clearly. So, by experiencing a breakup, losing a family member or friend, or becoming unwell, he can experience an inner shift.

At first, he can be in a very bad way but over time, he can end up looking into why his life is the way that it is. After going down a number of paths, then, he can see that he is too focused on his mother and is neglecting himself.

A Hurdle

Still, once he arrives at this point, he might not just be able to implement boundaries with his mother and freely express himself and live his own life. He can have the need to be there for her and when he thinks about let alone tries to change his behaviour, he can feel very uncomfortable.

He can find that he feels anxious and fearful and is filled with guilt and shame. He will then be here to live his own life but it will be as if his life is going to end if he does and that this is the wrong thing for him to do.

Going Deeper

From this, it is likely that his survival is still attached to his mother and he believes that his needs are bad. If he knew, at the core of his being, that she is not in control of whether he lives or dies and that his needs are not bad, he would be able to freely express himself and live his own life.

Taking into what is going on for him, it is likely to show that his developmental years were not very nurturing. This is likely to have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Closer Look

His mother and perhaps his father were probably developmentally stunted and unable to provide him with what he needed to grow and develop in the right way. As a result, he would have had to adapt to them and be more like a parent than a child.

And, if he didn’t do as his mother and perhaps father wanted, he might have been punished in some way. This could mean that he was often rejected, abandoned, put down and physically harmed.

A Tough Time

To handle this stage of his life, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. He would have also come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was unworthy of having his own life.

This was because he was egocentric and wasn’t able to see that how he was treated had nothing to do with him. Yet, if he had been able to see that his parents couldn’t love him, it would have been too much for him to handle.

Further Back

Now, what took place during his formative years could be the reason why he is the way that is he, or there could be more to it. What may have also played a part is what it was like for him whilst he was in his mother’s womb.

This may have been a stage that was not very harmonious, peaceful or supportive. His mother may have been going through a stressful period and might have not even wanted a child or perhaps another child.

A Continuation

Additionally, this can show that her inability to provide her son with what he needed started long before he was born. Thanks to her having been deprived during her formative years, her body might not have been able to provide him with the nutrients that he needed.

If so, once again, it was not that she chose to deprive him; it was that she couldn’t give him what he needed. Before he entered the world, then, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded and the experience that he had in his mother’s womb would have laid down an inner blueprint.

The Meaning

Thus, he would have been in an underdeveloped state, but he would have picked up on his mother’s emotional state and been affected by her inability to provide him with what he needed. This inner experience would have been personalised, which would have caused him to form a number of associations about himself.

This would have related to him being bad, unwanted, and rejected, and experiencing shame, fear, terror and guilt would have been normal. Working through the impact that each of these stages had on him will take courage, patience and persistence.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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