Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother Have A Narcissistic Defence?

If a man has come to see that he is neglecting himself because he is too focused on his mother, he might need to talk to her about what is going on. He might want to explain to her that behaving in this way is not serving him and he no longer wants to do as much for her.

Unsurprisingly, as he has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, living a life where his mother is the centre of his world is not going to be right for him. If, on the other hand, he didn’t have his own self and was merely an extension of his mother, this wouldn’t be the case.

A Brick wall

However, if he does talk to her, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to get through to her. This can be a time when she will treat him like he is nothing and has no right to want to have his own life let alone have his own life.

So, she can ignore what he says and start talking about her own life or ask him to do something. Or, she could criticise him and do what he can to make him feel guilty and ashamed.

A Low Place

Assuming that one of these things was to occur or something that is very similar, he could end up feeling very low after. He will then have done the right thing by speaking up, as opposed to simply behaving in a way that is not serving him, but it will be as if he has committed a crime.

Yet, if his mother has essentially used him practically from the moment that he was born, how she has responded is unlikely to be a complete surprise. Still, he may have hoped that she would acknowledge what he said and put herself in his shoes, so to speak.

Out of Reach

After a while, he could try to get through to her again, but the same thing or something similar could take place. If he wanted her permission, in order to live his own life, it will be clear that he is not going to receive it.

At this point, he could struggle to understand why she can’t accept that he has his own life to lead. It can be as though she can physically see him but it is not possible for her to accept that he has a separate sense of self and is not her possession.

A Strange Scenario

Now, as hard as it can be for him to get his head around what is going on, there is a strong chance that his mother is not in touch with her connected and feeling true self. Instead, she is likely to have a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self.

In part, by not being rooted in her body and connected to her feelings, she will find it difficult, if not impossible to empathise with another. So, just as he won’t see an appliance as having feelings and needs, this is how his mother will largely see him.

Another Part

It can occur to her that he has basic needs, such as the need to eat and sleep, for instance, but that’s about it. Along with the challenge that she has when it comes to empathising, it is also likely to be difficult for her to take life in and receive feedback.

Or to be more precise, it is difficult for her to receive feedback that is not positive. This then plays a part in why what he says won’t have an impact on her and why, no matter how much time passes, she can more or less be the same and won’t have grown mentally or emotionally.

Supply

The reason why she will be able to take in positive feedback is that, as she is out of touch with her true self, he won’t have access to the support, worth and love that is inside her. In other words, she will feel like an empty vessel deep down and this is why she will be dependent on external feedback that is positive.

This is one reason why she won’t want her son to break away and live his own life as this will strip her of the positive feedback that he provides. Furthermore, she is likely to have a fear of being abandoned, which would be unlocked if he were to break away – that is unless, of course, she were to find someone else to replace him.

Self-Protection

It is then not that she is solely trying to undermine him by not acknowledging him and accepting that he is a separate being; she is also doing what she can to keep it together and function. As strong as she appears to be, then, with her inflated false self, deep down, she is very vulnerable.

With this in mind, if his mother was rooted in her body and connected to her needs and feelings and didn’t live on the surface of herself, she would be able to be there for him. She probably would have been able to provide him with the love that he needed during his formative years, too.

A Brutal Time

Most likely, her early years were a time when she was deeply deprived and greatly wounded. It might have been from around three years of age that she primarily started to miss out on the love that she needed.

To handle this, she would have gradually disconnected from her body, and thus, her feelings and a number of her needs. As she was powerless and dependent, she couldn’t change what was going on or find a new family, so her brain is likely to have been 'wired' in a way that caused her to have a weak connection to her feelings and inner world, along with undermining her ability to take life in and blocking out reality, in to protect her and ensure her survival.
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Moving Forward

Thanks to how she adapted very early on, she wouldn’t have been in a position to mother him very early on and she certainly won’t be in a position to do so now. But, as this stage of his life is over, it is too late for him to receive her love.

For him to let go of his need to be seen and heard by her, he will have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.