Even if a man is unable to see that he is out of balance by putting his mother’s needs first, there might be people in his life that are able to see clearly. So, he could have at least one friend and/or perhaps a family member who is aware of what is going on.

This person could struggle to understand why he is not primarily focused on his own life and his own needs. There is the chance that this person is not out of balance, hence why they are able to see that he is.

A Strange Situation

He is then going to have his own life to lead, but, he will act as though he is merely an extension of his mother. Based on what he does for her, he is also going to be more like her parent than her son.

Therefore, he will have come after her but it will be as if he came before her and this is why he needs to be there for her. It then won’t matter that she is an adult as he will need to look after her.

Stepping Back

Now, he could be an only child, or he could have a number of siblings. But, even if he does have at least one other sibling, this sibling might not do as much for their mother.

Then again, this sibling might not be around and may have no interest in speaking to her let alone doing anything for her. As for his father, he might have passed on or he might have left his mother many years ago.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, his father could still be with his mother but he could also be focused on pleasing her. As a result of this, he won’t be in a position where he can provide his son with the support and guidance that he needs.

He is likely to be a beaten-down man who is not in his power. He is then going to be a lot older than his son but he won’t be much better off.

What going on?

As he is caught up in his mother’s world and his father is also the same, it is highly likely that he was deprived during his early years. During this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet development needs.

As for his father, he may or may not have been physically abusive, but he wouldn’t have stood up for him and pulled him out of his mother’s world. Due to how emasculated he was, he would have been too caught up in her world to truly be there for his son.

Another Angle

To use an analogy, his mother would have been like a wave that put out his father’s fire and prevented her son from gradually making his flame into a roaring fire. So, as his fire was snuffed out from a young age, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t be in his power as an adult.

And, as for his father, as he was drawn to someone who was overbearing and lacked boundaries, it is likely to show that he was emasculated long before he met her. He was probably also emasculated during his formative years.

An Act

Taking this into account, although he will act like his mother’s parent and may come across as mature, deep down, he is likely to feel like a powerless and dependent boy. How he comes across will be a reflection of his false self.

This false self will have been created during his early years; a stage of his life when he was made into a parental figure by his mother. To survive, he had no other choice than to be there for her and abandon himself.


Thus, to handle this stage of his life, he had to please her and struggle to receive something that wasn’t available – love. Not receiving the love that he needed would have greatly wounded him and to keep it together and function, his brain would have automatically repressed how when felt and a number of his needs.

If he did try to resist what was going on, his father might have soon disciplined him. Both his mother and his father would have undermined him and thereby, not prepared him for the real world.

Two Levels

When it comes to the feelings and developmental needs that he had to repress, this inner material will cause him to be anchored to his past. Additionally, as a big part of him will have been split off, to allow him to keep it together and function, he will be a watered-down version of himself.

This pain and the unmet developmental needs that go with it will prevent him from knowing, at a deeper level, that he is not an extension of his mother and that his survival doesn’t depend on her. Ultimately, he will be like a man that is carrying a small boy around and naturally, the needs that a boy has are very different to the needs that a man has.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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