After a man has come to see that he is focused on his mother and is abandoning himself, he can experience a lot of anger toward her. He can be angry about being used and taken advantage of.

To make matters worse, if he were to talk to her about what was going on, she might not listen to what he had to say and could even criticise him. If so, he will be her son and he will have inherent value, but she will treat him as though he has no connection to her and has no value.

A lack of Support

But, if he were to look back on what it was like for him during his formative years, he might find that this was typically how it was. Not being seen and heard and valued is then not going to be anything new.

Additionally, this is likely to have been a time when he had to focus on his mother's needs. As a result of this, a number of his needs would have generally been overlooked, causing him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Developmentally Stunted

Therefore, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to go through each developmental stage. It is for this reason that although he won’t want to turn his back on himself any more, he probably won’t just be able to draw the line with his mother.

What he is likely to find is that he still has the need to be there for her and, if he does change his behaviour, he feels anxious and fearful. Below this, he can find that he fears that if he starts to live his own life, he will be punished and abandoned and that his life will come to an end.

Another Element

Moreover, he can find that while he wants to break away from his mother, he is unsure about what he wants to do and how to live his own life. What will play a big part in this is that as he had to focus on his mother’s needs, he would have lost touch with his feelings and a number of his own needs.

Together, these two elements will provide him with the guidance that he needs to direct his own life. So, by not having access to this inner information, it is to be expected that he would feel lost and confused if he was not there for his mother.

It’s clear

With this in mind, if his mother had been able to truly be there for him and not mould him into a parental figure, he would be different. The anger, rage and even hate that he feels as an adult are likely to be a continuation of how he felt as a child.

Back then, as it wouldn’t have been safe for him to express these feelings; he would have had to lose touch with them. Nonetheless, even though it can seem as though his mother is solely responsible for what happened to him when he was a child and what is going on for him now that he is an adult, there could be far more to it.

Looking Closer

During his early years, his father might not have been around. Then again, he might have been around but he might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for his son.

Assuming that this was the case, his father might have been walked over and dominated by his mother. He was then an adult, but he wouldn’t have been in his power and he would have been more concerned with pleasing his son’s mother than supporting and protecting his son.

His priority

What this is likely to show is that his father had a fear of being abandoned and feared that, if he asserted himself and stood up for his son, he would have been left. Thanks to how strong this fear was, he would have done his best to do as he was told and keep his head down, so to speak.

The outcome of this is that he would have turned his back on his son, which would have caused his son to be devoured by his mother. Furthermore, in addition to his father turning a blind eye to what was going on, he might have also done his best to make sure that his son did as his mother wanted.

All Alone

Taking this into account, there will have been the impact that both his mother and his father had on him. If his father had been in his power, he would have been able to support his son and protect him.

Most likely, his father had also been undermined by his mother during his formative years and had a father who wasn’t able to be there for him. It was then not that his father wasn’t there for him because there was something inherently wrong with him; no, it was that he couldn’t be there for him.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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