Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Doesn’t A Mother-Enmeshed Man's Mother Respect His Boundaries?

If a man is not at work, and even if he is, there can be moments when his mother expects him to be there for her. After she has contacted him, he could soon be on his way to see her and do what she wants.

What this is likely to show is that his mother's needs come first, and his needs are of secondary importance. Then again, he might not even be aware of a number of his needs, and his mother’s needs could seem like his needs.

A Natural outcome

If this is the case, being there for his mother will be seen as being there for himself, and there won’t be a reason for him to resist her demands. Still, this doesn’t mean that he won’t ever experience frustration or feel drained, but that he might seldom, if ever, allow himself to embrace how he feels.

Due to how he lives, he is going to do a lot for his mother, while a number of his own needs will typically be ignored. He is then going to be a separate human being, but it will be as if he is an extension of his mother.

The next Stage

So, as he typically ignores a number of his own needs and is being deprived, there is likely to come a time when he is no longer able to behave in this way. Or, before he arrives at this point, he could start dating a woman and end up forming a relationship with her.

If he were to go in this direction, he wouldn’t have as much time as he did before to be there for his mother. As a result of this, when his mother asks him to do things, he can start to say that he is busy or will do what she wants later, for instance.

Resistance

When he responds in this way, his mother can accept what he says and understand that he has other priorities. Alternatively, she could react negatively, with her doing what she can to make him feel guilty and make sure he focuses on her once again.

What this will show is that she is unable to accept that he is a separate individual who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead. It will then be as if his purpose is to focus on and be there for her.

No Limits

With this in mind, there will be no reason for her to accept it when he can’t do something for her. He will be like an appliance that she has bought and is, thus, entitled to use him whenever she desires.

Naturally, if this appliance didn’t want to be used when she wanted to use it, it would be normal for her to become angry and to do what she could to make it do what she wanted it to do. After all, this will be an appliance that she has bought.

Inner Conflict

Thanks to how she behaves when he asserts himself, he could often end up giving in and doing what she wants. And when he doesn’t, he could be filled with guilt and shame, and find it hard to focus.

If he is doing something that he wants to do, he can feel frustrated and angry after he has agreed to do what she wants. Once he has done what she wants, he can be mad at himself and then feel helpless and hopeless.

Stepping Back

After this, he can wonder why he can’t just stand up for himself without feeling as though he is doing something wrong and feel comfortable after he has done so. He can also wonder why his mother can’t accept that he has his own life and is not her servant.

However, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like during his formative years, he might gradually realise why this is. This is because, from a very young age, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed and had to meet a number of his mother's needs.

The outcome

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, he would have had to lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and out-directed false self. This would have involved him losing touch with a number of his needs and feelings and living on the surface of himself.

Furthermore, he would have been conditioned to believe that he was responsible for his mother and was here to meet her needs. As, if he didn’t behave in this way, he is likely to have been disapproved of, and he might have been rejected and left, which would have caused him to associate self-expression with not being accepted and his life coming to an end.

The Other Side

The reason why his mother couldn’t see that he was a separate being who had his own needs and feelings at this stage was likely to be due to her being in a developmentally stunted state. She was probably also greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years.

This would have stopped her from moving beyond the toddler stage of her development. Just like a toddler sees their parent as an extension of them and as being their meet their needs, she would have seen her son in the same way.

Moving Forward

She was then an adult physically, but emotionally, she was frozen in time and wasn’t able to see her son clearly, due to what she had unconsciously projected into him. And as he was powerless and dependent, he had no other choice than to adapt to her, causing him to also stay in a developmentally stunted state.

Taking all this into account, for him to reconnect to himself and feel comfortable asserting himself, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.