To have been with one man who was overly focused on his mother would have been a lot to deal with, and, therefore, if a woman has been with a number of men who were like this, it is not going to be a surprise if she is well and truly fed up. For however long, she will have wanted to be with a man who is available but, no matter what she has done, she won’t have been able to achieve this aim.

Thanks to what she has been through, she could believe that all men are the same. What might also play a part in why she has this view is that she may have done a number of things to ‘improve herself’.

Ticking the Boxes

So, there can be what she has done internally and what she has done internally to change this area of her life. When it comes to the former, she might have put a lot of effort into changing her ‘negative’ thoughts and beliefs and her behaviour.

And/or, she might have taken a number of courses and seminars. As a result of this, she might have developed ‘high self-esteem’ and typically feel good about herself and worthy of being in a loving relationship.

The Other Side

When it comes to the latter, she might have put a lot of effort into her appearance, with her spending a lot of time at the gym. Additionally, there can be the clothes that she has brought and the different hairstyles that she has had.

She may have even become very successful in her career, believing that this would have an effect on her ability to find a man who is available. Lastly, the car that she drives could also shed light on how successful she is.

A Strange Scenario

Irrespective, then, of if she has done some or all of these things as well as others, it could be said that she will have played her part. She won’t have sat around and merely hoped that this area of her life would change.

With this in mind, it is to be expected that she would believe that all men are the same or that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding her back. What she believes could also be backed up by the people in her life and other sources.

External Feedback

Some of her friends and family could be only too aware of how frustrating this area of her life is. Due to this, she may have been told, on a number of occasions, that she is unlucky and that her life will change before long, or something similar.

She may have also been told that she is a catch and that there is nothing wrong with her. Now, although this support will have a positive effect on her, it is unlikely to change her life.

Stepping Back

If she was to end up talking to someone or watching a video that put forward the view that she is playing a part in why she continually ends up with men who are like this, she could dismiss what she hears. This could be a time when she will become very angry and even believe that she is being blamed.

She could tell the other person or say to herself, if she is watching a video, that there is no way that this could be true. This can be a time when she will say that she wants to be with a man who is available and that she is sick and tired of what is going on.

Black and white

Based on what is going on, then, it is clear that there is what she wants and then there is what she gets. Thus, to say that she is powerless in this area of her life would be accurate.

Nonetheless, what needs to be acknowledged, at this point, is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind. Along with this part of her, she has an unconscious mind, and this part of her is bigger and stronger than her conscious mind.

A Key Point

This is then why changing what is taking place in her mind and working on her appearance won’t have allowed her to transform this area of her life. For this to take place, she will need to explore and resolve the conflict that is likely to be inside her.

Ultimately, if both her conscious and unconscious mind wanted to be with a man who is available, she would probably be with a man who is. For her to find out why this other part of her is not on board with what her conscious mind wants, it is likely to be a good idea for her to take a deeper look into what her early years were like.

Back In Time

For example, this may have been a time when she was deeply wounded by one or both of her parents. One or both of them might not have been emotionally available, which would then have stopped her from being able to emotionally bond with them and deprived her of the love that she needed in the process.

But, although how she was treated was not a reflection of how worthy or lovable she was, she wouldn’t have been able to realise this as she was egocentric. To handle what was going on and keep it together and function, her brain would have automatically repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

The Outcome

The years would have passed and her conscious mind would have forgotten all about what took place. Deep down, she won’t feel worthy of being loved, believe that she is lovable, feel safe enough to open up or believe that other people can be trusted.

By not having had access to this information, though, it will have naturally seemed as if what was going on ‘out there’ was the problem. What this illustrates is how important self-knowledge is.


If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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