Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Out Of Touch With His Masculinity If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Even though a man will be made up of both the masculine and the feminine, it doesn’t mean that this will stand out. He can typically come across as though he is only made up of one part.

This can mean that he will generally come across as easy-going, do what he can to please others, put up with bad behaviour and will go with the flow. He is then going to have a lot in common with a doormat and a leaf that is being blown around by the wind.

The Reason

As with a doormat, he will be used to being walked over, and, as with a leaf, he won’t be directing his own life. Naturally, this is not going to allow him to live a life that is deeply fulfilling.

What is likely to be normal is for him to feel frustrated, taken advantage of, and helpless and hopeless. There could be days when he wakes up and questions why he is even alive.

The Missing Piece

If a man who is in his power was to observe how this man behaves, he could wonder what is going on. To him, it could be clear that he needs to assert himself, or he will continue to live a miserable life.

But, while a man on the outside will be able to see what he needs to do to change his life, the man in this position might not be aware of what it is that he needs to do. Not only this, but he might not realise that he can do anything to change his life.

His Reality

If this is the case, he will live a life that is soul-destroying but he won’t be able to see a way out. Thanks to how long his life has been this way, this will just be seen as how his life is.

What this is likely to illustrate is that this life has been this way for a very long time. He was probably brought up in an environment where he was undermined and unable to develop a strong sense of himself.

Back In Time

If so, he might have had a mother who was anything but nurturing and was often cold, cruel and abusive. Instead of building him up, then, she would have done her best to break his spirit.

This is not to say that she consciously chose to undermine him, though, as she is unlikely to have been consciously aware of what she was doing and the impact it would have. The outcome of this is that she would have done the opposite of what a mother is supposed to do – build up her child.

Faulty Perception

Deep down, her son is likely to have represented someone from her early years. This might have been her father and/or mother, or it might have been someone else.

Either way, this would have meant that she was unable to see him clearly. By harming her son, she was able to symbolically get her own back on someone or a number of people who had harmed her.

Another Element

The other part of this is that his father might have also been verbally and physically abusive. In general, his father might have been dominated and controlled by his mother, with him being used by her to keep their son in line.

As with his mother, then, his father wouldn’t have provided him with what he needed to develop in the right way. Most likely, his father was not in his power and had also been greatly undermined during his formative years.

A Big Impact

Together, they would have both played their part in tearing their son down. Due to how wounded they were, and irrespective of whether they were aware of what they were doing, they caused him to suffer as a child and laid the foundations for him to suffer as an adult.

The reason for this is that as he was deeply wounded and deprived as a child and unable to develop a strong sense of self, he would have developed a disconnected false self. Along with this, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place.

Two Parts

This would have caused him to believe that the reason he was being mistreated was that he didn’t deserve to exist, and was worthless, unlovable and bad. He was then not only treated like dirt but he would have believed that this is what he deserved.

When it comes to his disconnected false self, this self won’t be connected to his needs, feelings or instincts. It will involve him living in his head and not being firmly rooted in his body.

Moving Forward

For him to reclaim himself and be connected to his needs, feelings and instincts, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.