Recently, a man may have been in a relationship that seemed to be going well and then, out of nowhere, it came to an end. As a result of this, he could be in a pretty bad way and find it hard to function.

When he is not feeling low and flat, he could be filled with a deep sense of sadness and feel hopeless and helpless. Assuming that this is so, he is unlikely to be interested in doing a number of the things that he used to enjoy doing.

A Lack of Motivation

For example, he might have been very active before and spent a fair amount of time exercising and seeing friends. But, ever since his relationship came to an end, he could spend a lot of time by himself.

A number of his close friends could let him know that they are there for him and make it clear that it is not good for him to isolate himself. So, they could often message him, call him and turn up at his home.

A Slow process

As the days, weeks and months pass, he could end up going back to how he was before or close to it. What happened can then be nothing more than a distant memory and he will be able to live again.

Due to this, it might not be long until he ends up meeting another woman who he is attracted to and is in another relationship. But, thanks to what he went through before, he might find it hard to fully relax; with him believing that it won’t be long until she ends the relationship.

The Same Story

The days could then pass and what he fears will happen, could end up happening. She might end up having an affair, saying that she is no longer attracted to him or she might need to move away.

Regardless of what the reason is, this is likely to be a time when his inner experience will be very similar to how it was before. At this point, he could have well and truly hit rock bottom and might even think about ending his life.

One Outlook

One way of looking at this would be to say that he just happened to have these two experiences with women. Additionally, the reason he felt bad and is now in a bad way is because he was in a relationship that came to an end.

Thus, if the woman had been different or the first woman had been different and he was still with her, his life would be very different. This can sound accurate but what if there is far more to it?

Going Deeper

There is a chance that this is not something that has only happened twice; it might have happened on a number of other occasions too. Irrespective of how many times this has taken place, what took place during his formative might have played a big part.

This might have been a stage of his life that was anything but nurturing. Consequently, he would have been deprived of the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

A Closer Look

His mother is likely to have been emotionally shut down and unable to provide him with the attunement and care that he needed in order to go through each developmental stage. This would have stopped him from being able to securely attach to her and develop a strong sense of self.

Being ignored, rejected and abandoned would have been normal, causing him to be deeply wounded. Thanks to this, he would have often felt angry, helpless, hopeless, unwanted and deeply hurt.

Self-Alienation

As he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. His only option was for his brain to repress the pain he was in and a number of his developmental needs.

This, along with having to adapt to his mother’s needs, would have caused him to lose touch with his true self and create a disconnected false self. How he was treated was not a reflection of his value or lovability, but as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him.

Replaying The Past

What he went through as a child will be over, but the emotional impact of what took place will be held inside his body. Furthermore, he will still carry most if not all of the beliefs and expectations that he formed at this stage.

Taking this into account, his childhood will be over but he will have re-experienced how he felt and what took place throughout this time in his life. Some of the feelings that have been locked inside him since he was a boy will have been unlocked and entered his conscious awareness when a woman left him.

Another part

What will also play a part in this is that, at an unconscious level, he will recreate this early dynamic, so choose a woman who is unavailable and/or push a woman away, so that he can once again, struggle for the love that the missed out on. The underdeveloped parts of him will have projected his mother into these women and believed that they would be able to give him what he missed out on.

Yet, as this stage of his life is over, not to mention that these women were not his mother, it will be too late for him to receive what the missed out on. He will need to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet developmental needs that are inside him.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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