When a man meets a woman, it might not be long until he develops a view of her. After this, he can believe that the view that he has formed of her is a reflection of what she is like.

However, although this can be the case, what if what is going on for him has had an effect on how he perceived the woman? Not only this, but what if how he perceived her had an effect on how he behaved and this had an impact on how the woman came across?

An Observer

What this would mean is that he is not simply a passive observer and has an impact on the experiences that he has with women. If this wasn’t so, there would just be what a woman is like and it wouldn’t matter what he was like.

Therefore, if he wants to date or be in a relationship with a woman and he continually meets women who are not right for him, there wouldn’t be much that he can do. So, if he has not had many experiences with women that were fulfilling, he can wonder what he can do to change this.

The basics

Still, for however long, he might have believed that he was doing most if not all of the right things and that it was what was going on ‘out there’ that needed to change. For example, he could look after his appearance by wearing smart clothes, going to the gym, and making sure that his hair is cut regularly.

He might have also worked hard in his job or career and be in a good position financially. Yet, regardless of what he has done, it won’t have allowed him to meet and then date or be in a relationship with a woman who is a good match for him.

What’s going on?

When it comes to what is going on for him that has a big impact on this area of his life, it will partly relate to the inner model that he has of what a woman is like. This inner model will play a part in how he sees a woman and how she behaves around him.

The reason for this is that this inner model will cause him to attribute certain traits to a woman, and what he sees in her will naturally have an effect on how she responds. But, as he was not aware that he has an inner model of what a woman is like and this plays a part in the experiences that he has with them, it is to be expected that he would have believed that he didn’t have much of an effect on the experiences that he has with women.

Back In Time

Most likely, this inner model was formed during his formative years. How his mother treated him and the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made out of these experiences would have played a big part.

Assuming, then, that he has come into contact with a number of women who were not very friendly, warm and present, for instance, this can show that his mother was emotionally unavailable and not very loving. The outcome of this is that he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Taken To Heart

Not only this, but, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not that his mother was out of reach and unable to love him; no, it was that he was worthless and unlovable.

How his mother behaved would have also been generalised and seen as a reflection of what all women were like. In reality, his mother had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her early years and how she behaved was a reflection of the fact that she was not in a good way, not a reflection of what all women were like.

The Past is present

What took place at this stage of his life would then have been forgotten about by his conscious mind but, it will continue to influence how he experiences life. Without realising it, he will place the mother that he had into the women that he meets.

At a deeper level, then, a woman will be his mother and this will also be a way for him to try to receive what he missed out on all those years ago. This is because this deeper part of him has no sense of time and is blind.

Drawing the Line

For him to change his inner model and no longer try to meet his unmet developmental needs, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will allow him to gradually know at both a conscious and an unconscious level that another woman is not his mother and to no longer look for what he missed out on during his early years.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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