Moving Beyond Rejection

Ugghh, that awful word. The sound of it makes you just cringe. Everybody hates it. Even the strongest most confident people experience it, feel it and dislike it. Some are just better at what they do with it after its sting.

What is rejection? It comes in all kinds of forms. It can be an insult, a dirty look, being given a “cold shoulder” or the lack of acknowledgement. But what is it really?

Rejection is simply a negative response based on an association. There, that doesn’t sounds so painful, does it? In actuality rejection isn’t painful. It is how we internalize it that drives us crazy and nags at us.

The way our minds work, is through a process of association. When you are a child you learn to associate “hot” and “no, no, don’t touch” with a stove burner. Is that bad? Does it make the stove burner awful? Of course not. In fact as you get older you learn to change some of your associations with a stove burner to positive ones, that help you make delicious dinners. Does that make the stove burner good? Of course not, it just is.

It is what you associate with something, that determines how you relate to it, there for determining whether you reject or accept it. You actually never reject some one or some thing. You reject what you associate with it. By the same token we can say you are never personally rejected. Others only reject what they associate with you. Does that make them right? Of course not. It is only their present association, their perception.

I came across this story many years ago in a book and think it clearly illustrates the nature of rejection. A man got onto a subway car and sat down looking for a little peace and quite while riding to his destination. Across from him was a man staring blankly off into space. His children were causing quite a raucous, running up and down the isle, whining, caring on, and doing an excellent job of disturbing any chance of peace. The father seemed to care less about the behavior of his children and did nothing. The man desiring some peace and quiet got frustrated and agitated, and finally began to shoot dirty looks over to the father clearly rejecting his lack of parental skills. The father came out of his glazed stare and looked at the man, softly uttering “I am sorry, they just lost their mother.”

Boy, if that doesn’t shift your perspective. With out knowing the story behind why these children were acting up, the man associated all kinds of negative things with the father. And all of those associations were based on what he assumed, or had stored in his mind of what is acceptable or likable to him. Based on his perceptions and associations he rejected the father’s behavior. He was casting out rejection based on his beliefs. His rejection had nothing to do with the reality of the situation or the father’s actual ability to parent.

That is they key to moving beyond rejection, understanding it is all based in association, not anything else. If you feel you are being rejected by some one remember they are rejecting what they associate with or about you. That doesn’t mean it is accurate. It is based on their minds associations, which really have nothing to do with you. You have no control over what some one associates. You have no control over what they choose to think. They will choose the associations they want or need to make the situation fit their needs.

When you are in pain from another’s rejection it is because you have taken on their associations as true or real. You are giving their rejection power by doubting your self, when it is not really you that is in question, but their associations. You just need to remember they are not rejecting you personally. And ultimately if you let go of your need to control their thoughts and feelings, you will release yourself from self doubt.

People will choose to associate what serves them, whether it is based in truth or not. It is not your responsibility to shape and form their perceptions. Just be the best you, and your integrity, honor and value will shine through to those that choose to recognize it. Those are the people you want to be relating to, doing business with and socializing with.

Moving beyond rejection is as simple as remembering you are already ok. Like in the old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never harm me”, associations can never harm you.