My Divorce journal - The 3 C's and a Quick Fix

Last week I was answering about how I respond. This week I’m applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems.

Then – 3/8/2004

“journal question –How can I let go of other’s problems instead of trying to solve them?

The best way is for me to keep reminding myself that I am responsible only for myself. I am not responsible for ‘Carl’s’ problems. I have to keep repeating the 3 C’s – I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Change it, I can’t Cure it.

journal question – Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

Emotionally, of course I’m looking for a quick fix. Why would I want to belabor this torture? But what I do need to focus on and remember is that in the midst of all this chaos ‘If I want peace, be peaceful. If I want happiness, be happy’. There is no quick fix. Everyday I have the choice to wallow in it or not allow it to affect me.”

Now - 6/19/11

Ahhh….the 3 C’s. One of the first life lines that I was given in Al-Anon. At first I thought “Yeah right; I may not have caused it and I know I can’t cure it but if I put my mind to it, I can definitely change it”. How wrong I was. Not only are the people affected by someone else’s addiction taught the 3 C’s in Al-Anon but the addict is taught it in AA as well. ‘Carl’ was VERY adamant for a long time that I caused his addiction. When he would rage at me about how he felt I was to blame, I held onto the 3 C’s like a life preserver, keeping my head above water while I was being tossed around in the sea of insanity that alcoholism creates. It often felt like a protective cloak for me because whenever he would start to play the blame game I would put on my cloak, repeat the 3 C’s and remind him that he knew I didn’t cause it.

As far as a quick fix, I’ve never been a patient person and at the time I just wanted to go to a few Al-Anon meetings, figure out the secret to getting him sober and move on with my life. I had no idea that I would need and crave the wisdom of Al-Anon for the rest of my life. Just the other day there was an argument between ‘Carl’ and I and I applied one Al-Anon tool after another to the situation until I felt at peace again.

Divorce doesn’t sever every connection you have with your ex spouse. It often creates connections that weren’t even there during the marriage, especially when children are involved. Thankfully I was taught there is no quick fix to any difficulty, even divorce, and that I had choices.

Next week – Responsibility and shame