My Divorce Journal - What Are The Statistics?

Last week I was questioning what the right thing is. This week I’m questioning what the statistics are for my children.

Then – 2/18/2004

“‘Dr. Brody’ had to postpone our appointment until tomorrow. I’m disappointed. I guess now that I’ve taken the first step towards talking about all this, I want it to start. But everything happens for a reason and in due course, so I will wait until tomorrow night. I’m nervous because it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to her and I’m nervous because, by talking to her, I’m going to have to make some changes. I know I’m going to have to face my fears. The outcome of all this could be an upheaval of everyone’s lives and God knows I don’t like change. Look at how long I’ve stayed in a marriage in which I wasn’t in love with my husband. Why is it that I haven’t wanted something more for myself? Was it my acceptance of the situation because at least it was familiar and I had control? Was it because I cared more about the kids feelings than my own? I think I need a break from the emotional roller coaster. I need to stop placing so much importance on what I think other people will think. Could I continue feeling the way that I do? Absolutely, until some other option presents itself. But that’s not fair to me. I want to ask ‘Dr. Brody’ what are the statistics of the emotional stability of children whose parents stayed together for their sake? I want so desperately to give my kids the best life I possibly can. Through this whole ordeal the only time I’ve filled up with tears or cried is when I’ve thought about the kids.”

Now – 4/17/2011

If I knew then what I know now….my journey needed to unfold exactly the way it did but looking back to that time 7 years ago, I can see that I had no idea what lay ahead of me. I can honestly see now that my belief about my children’s welfare and my own fear of change is what kept me in my dysfunctional marriage. My children were the reason for many of my choices, especially since I came from a divorced family. Fortunately my childhood was a “happily ever after” story after my parents divorced but that didn’t mean that my children would have the same experience that I did.

Being a mathematical person, my comfort was in getting a clearer understanding of the studies on the effects of unhealthy marriages on children. Asking my therapist what the statistics were gave me a false sense of security; as if my decision could be made by a random poll taken of nameless, faceless families. Thankfully her answer to me was “It depends on the people and the situation”; I didn’t get the “numbers” that would have added to my “Yes” or “No” columns and the decision was back in my lap. No statistic was ever going to predict how my children would be affected by me staying unhappily married; I was going to have to wait and see.

Next week – Sneaking suspicion