My Husband and I Don't Talk Anymore: We Have Nothing To Talk About Anymore

Most of the problems in a troubled marriage appear during what most consider to be a "midlife crisis". But, what is the number one complaint at this time? Most of the time the majority of the answers would be poor communication, and it is absolutely correct. Everyone asks the same question, how do I better communicate with my spouse or get my spouse to share his/her feelings?

Good communication is very important especially in marriages which are constantly in crisis. But why is it so important? Without good communication, couples usually get their wires crossed so to speak. Some of these issues involve insecurities brought on by aging, gaining weight, and overall things just not being what they used to be.

One of the reasons for this difficulty in communicating yours or your spouses feelings depends on the environment in which you were raised for starters. Your parents set a model and this model plays an important role in how a person talks with the other partner or spouse.

The man in the marriage is usually the one who has the hardest time talking about how he feels, one of the most common examples is: "his father never said much and he thinks that he is a lot like his dad. He grew up thinking that men don't have to talk much about their feelings and are usually the rock in the relationship". What happens is his wife complains that he never shares his feelings or talks to her about deeper issues. And he doesn't know how to respond to her, he tells her that is just the way he is, so take it or leave it.

Our society has always seemed to condition or ingrained in men not to identify and express worried emotions that are brought on by any circumstance. This is how a majority of marriages can start having complications. At their core, communication resistance among partners are the result of built-in behavior patterns that we were brought up with and now continue. When we have established attitudes and beliefs about how couples should communicate, we tend to stick to that behavior pattern until something really changes it.

Because of this fundamental misunderstanding between spouses, it can cause tremendous strain on what could otherwise be a happy marriage. But, it doesn't mean that it can't change. It's a habit, and like any other habit they certainly die hard, but can be undone with a little practice and patience on your part. Try to convey to your spouse the importance of expressing their feelings, even though they may think it's silly, explain how important it is to you and how it makes you feel. Explain to them how never knowing how they feel about this or that, confuses you and makes it more difficult for you to do the right thing.

Eventually, they will come around. There are also exercises you can do with your spouse on handling communication issues within the marriage. Take some time to research and evaluate what your spouse may best respond to and put it to work.

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Have you ever though that you could improve your marriage if you could just learn to bite your tongue at times? I'm sure if you have been married longer than a few months you probably have had a slip up and said something that you wish you could take back but once you said it the damage was done.

Words are so powerful they have the potential to build a relationship up or tear it down. How many people have died because of a few words said to the wrong person at the wrong time?

Well, if you are looking for ways to help use words to build your relationship instead of tearing it apart here are the 21 most important words you can use to improve your marriage.

Ours (1)

Once you got married what was his and hers became ours. If your marriage is truly a partnership i.e., two becoming as one then everything you have should be referred to as ours. It's not an attempt to strip you of your individualism but if you aren't identifying as one then you haven't quite fulfilled your marital union (in my humble opinion).

Thank You (2)

These 2 simple words are often assumed and forgotten. Often times because we become so accustomed to our spouse doing things for us we neglect to say thank you. It's nice to be appreciated and when a spouse hears "Thank You" it's like hearing "You mean a lot to me and I appreciate you very much". It's at least what I hear.

Practice saying "thank you" and your spouse will appreciate it.

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I Love You (3)

These three words have stood the test of time and are still able to penetrate the heart and turn anger to joy, sadness to happiness and bring a sense of security. The best thing about these three words is that they can be spoken but are more powerful when displayed. When you do stuff for your spouse that shows how much you love him or her it makes it even more appreciated.

I Do Forgive You (4)

Unfortunately, no person is perfect so from time to time a spouse screws up and needs to here the words "I do forgive you". These words if spoken from the heart can result in a healing or growth in a marriage. If true forgiveness isn't offered and received then a marriage will have trouble dealing effectively with marriage problems along the way.

We Can Work This Out (5)

Again, if you really want to improve your marriage you need to be willing to work things out. It's very easy to want to take a stand and don't back down because of your pride or perhaps you have been hurt.

I am Sorry, Please Forgive Me (6)

Need I say more? Understanding when you are wrong and being mature enough to admit it and seek forgiveness from your spouse will go a long way in helping you improve your marriage. The key to being forgiven is to do your best to make sure you don't need to be forgiven over and over again. If you are truly sorry, then you probably shouldn't be making the same mistakes.

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If you don't have the "F" word built into the foundation of your marriage it simply will not be successful. That's a gross understatement. In fact, without the "F" word it will be a complete nightmare. I'm talking about forgiveness. The principle of forgiveness is the most powerful concept I know of. And the absolute power of forgiveness lies in the fact that it is voluntary. It is within your ability to give or withhold.

True forgiveness cannot be manipulated or coerced. You must learn to develop an attitude of lavish forgiveness for the one you love. Forgiveness is not meant to be protected and only given out on special occasions or when the planets are aligned. Forgiveness is not to be guarded and begrudgingly applied when, and only when, the person needing it or seeking it has cried and grovelled and "paid" for the hurt and pain they caused you. Forgiveness is not a weapon that you wield at your leisure to selfishly accomplish your agenda. Learn to develop a ridiculous forgiveness for the one you love, a forgiveness that goes far beyond logic and reasoning. A forgiveness of extravagance. I guarantee you, the more forgiveness you shower on your spouse the greater will be the return of love.

"Moment by Moment Forgiveness"

We should forgive one another and then forget what we have forgiven... "Love keeps no record of wrongs."

I want to share with you a powerful principle that I call "moment by moment forgiveness." It is an attitude of the heart & mind. It is something you decide to embrace, a code to live by. It is the practice of applying forgiveness day in and day out, situation by situation, moment by moment. You can start right now. The mind is so powerful. If you make up your mind to do something and determine to overcome all obstacles that may get in your way on your path to achieving it, chances are pretty good that you are going to be successful. So I want you to do this right now. Determine in your heart and mind that you will from this time forth forgive your spouse, unconditionally, for anything they do that hurts you, whether in word or deed. Make a pact with yourself that you will live by this principle from this moment on.

Once you decide this, forgiveness is easy, there's no more guess-work. Next time your spouse hurts you, you don't retaliate with negativity or anger... you respond with forgiveness. It will blow them away! Your spouse knows you better than anyone, and we know ourselves better yet. We know when we've said something stupid, or insensitive or in anger and with a wrong attitude. When we say something hurtful we usually know immediately what we've done. And if it doesn't sink in right away, we know by the reaction of our spouse that we've blown it. So next time when you're on the receiving end of this predicament, immediately say to yourself, "I forgive him/her for what they just said/did and I choose not to be hurt or angry and I will not hold a grudge against them. I choose to forgive them from my heart right now."

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When you do this you free yourself from hurt and bitterness that starts to set in after being offended. When you choose to not let it offend you, you remove all the effects of the offense. In essence, forgiveness truly is freedom. Freedom from hurt, bitterness, anger and thoughts of revenge... freedom from being controlled by what someone else has done. Here's the deal... as long as we react in hurt and anger towards things that are done to us, we are slaves to the person doing them. The ability to escape from under that power is as simple as choice... choosing to forgive instead of choosing to become angry and bitter, and bent on revenge.

As I said, make that determination now to start applying this "moment by moment forgiveness" principle. And don't get discouraged if the next time an "issue" comes up and you blow it by reacting negatively. Acknowledge it, tell your spouse you're sorry, and determine to get it right the next time. The words of Samuel Jackson are so true, "What we ever hope to do with ease, we must learn first to do with diligence." And those words of wisdom apply perfectly to this forgiveness principle in your marriage. Keep at it and soon it will become a part of who you are and how you roll!

Forgiveness is not some lofty and elusive ideal only attainable by saints. It is a simple matter of choice, albeit a very powerful choice, that will have positive benefits and rewards that you could hardly imagine; both in your life, in the life of your spouse and consequently in your marriage.

I know what you're thinking. How many times should I forgive someone. Isn't there a time when the person offending me needs to be taught a lesson. Wouldn't I just be enabling them if I don't stand up to them? I'm glad you brought that up. Check this true story out:

There was once a very, very wise man. One his friends came to him with a dilemma he was dealing with. He explained it to the wise man: "There is this person that continually irks me, drives me crazy! The things he says about me are unwarranted and untrue. He is constantly hurting me with his lies and nasty attitude. I don't know what to do. I've forgiven him several times, but the abuse still continues. When is enough, enough? How many times should I forgive this jerk?" The wise man was silent for a moment as he looked knowingly into his friends eyes and smiled. His response was baffling, "Seventy times seven" he said.

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Now for all you mathematicians out there who have promptly added that up to the sum of 490, you have missed the point. The wise man was saying that there is no limit to forgiveness. There is no ultimatum that says, "One more time and that's it!" He was sharing the concept of "moment by moment forgiveness." It is a mindset, something we decide to do. It is utilizing one of the most powerful abilities we have been given - choice.

What I want you to understand about forgiveness is this: there will always, inevitably, come a time when you are on the other end. You are the one who has messed up. You are the one who has blown it with your spouse and now you are the one so badly desiring, needing, and seeking forgiveness. That is why it is so vital that you begin living in "moment by moment forgiveness." If you expect to be the recipient of forgiveness then you sure better be able to dish it out.

Think of the alternative to forgiveness: bitterness, resentment, anger, hatred, revenge... getting the idea? Un-forgiveness, if not dealt with, will eat you up like a cancer and ultimately destroy you along with your marriage.

In twenty-one years of marriage there is a life-principle I have done my utmost to practice, and with the exception of literally, a few times which I can count on two hands, I have successfully implemented it, and thus, reaped its wonderful benefits. It is advice found in the best-selling book of all-time, the Bible. I don't know where you stand on the issue of the scriptures, but whether you believe the Bible or not, just try to argue with the soundness of its advice and wisdom. Here is the advice, the life-principle I have followed: "Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry." Relating this specifically to marriage it is saying, "Don't go to bed mad at each other." Simple advice yet oh so profound.

Another scripture says, "Each day has enough trouble of its own." See how the two concepts are intertwined? If we take today's trouble's and anger into tomorrow we just create a compounding effect - a negative compounding effect. By going to bed angry and with un-dealt issues, we wake up the next morning not only having to face the issues and pressures of a new day but already have started it off with the unresolved issues of yesterday, thus compounding the troubles you will face today with the troubles of yesterday still intact.

It's just like compound interest on your credit cards. If you don't take measures to properly pay off your debt the compounding of the interest will absolutely destroy you. Same thing will happen in your marriage if you make a habit of taking yesterdays anger and issues into today. Pretty soon you'll be looking back on three, five, ten years of compounded anger and negativity and it will seem next to impossible to fix. So hey, do what's right and "Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry." This may be hard at first, because it involves swallowing your pride and humbling yourself, but as Nike says, "Just do it!" Besides, the best part of fighting is making up right...

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