My Husband Annoys Me On Purpose: What To Do When You Can't Stand Your Husband Anymore

What are your spouse's most annoying habits? Is it the way they talk, eat, sit, clean up? Do they perhaps hum an annoying tune or crack their knuckles? And when was the last time they did something that irritated you? Last week? Yesterday? An hour ago?

One of the most annoying things about annoying habits is that they can be so small, but still drive you mad. Overtime you may find the list of annoying habits grow. It may not be that your spouse has added more irritating habits as years have gone by, but instead, a sign your "honeymoon period" is over. Habits that used to be easy to put up with, now wind you up. Perhaps it is just me, but I find annoying habits frustrating on two levels, one habit itself and two the inability to let it go and not let it bother you.

So what can be done about annoying habits? And are they important to marriage success?

Before I answer these questions it is important to distinguish between annoying habits and annoying activities. Annoying habits I count in my marriage coaching as personal mannerisms which are done repeatedly and habitually without thought. These are different to annoying activities, as these are things your spouse deliberately thinks about and does. For example getting drunk, sports activities, personal exercise programs and night life. This is more independent behavior.

So is addressing annoying habits crucial to marriage success? Yes when we are annoyed, we feel that others are being inconsiderate, especially after we have already told them that it gets on our nerves and they still continue. We argue that it is not only the habit itself but the fact that they aren't thinking or caring about our feelings. Or that they haven't bothered to listen to us.

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But when it is the other way round, that is, when an annoying habit we do affects someone else, we think - why can't they just get over it? Why can't they accept me as I am? Why can't they adjust? You may feel like saying "just leave me alone." I remember feeling like this as a child, my parents frequently pointed out habits that annoyed them. When your spouse starts, you may feel like you are living back with your parents and think in your head "just leave me alone."

But, the truth is, we need to address it. Through my work as an international relationship coach, I have seen marriages breakdown and love destroyed because of annoying habits. As they can lead to the couple not wanting to be around each other anymore. Sherya couldn't stand the way Nikhil made a sound when eating. Every meal time she would get really wound up and feel negative towards him. Sometimes it got to her so much, that she would hurt her throat where she would tense her throat muscles. She no longer could eat her food and started making excuses to eat alone. She was so angry at herself for reacting in this way but couldn't help it. Put simply every annoying habit can weaken your compatibility, so you drift apart.

So what can and should you do to address annoying habits?

In my work as a coach helping people change habits, their reactions and adapt to different life situations, I have seen that it is far easier for the person with the habit to change than ask the person who has the reaction to it.

All habits can be changed, it takes practice. At first new behaviors will seem uncomfortable, and strange. Nikhil agreed to eat differently but had no clue how to really do that, so I suggested he copied the way Sherya ate her food. They found this hilarious to teach and practice and couldn't stop laughing at dinner time. They even had me in fits of laughter when they reported their success during our session. Joking aside it was really about slowing down the way he ate. Sherya also avoided crunchy salads until he had adapted. Nikhil began to notice how his family ate like he used too and could empathize with Sherya, when they visited they would notice and smile at one another, whilst putting on the background music.

If your partner has an annoying habit, that is affecting you and how you feel about them, the following steps may help.

Step 1 Tell the truth

In a calm voice and relaxed manner be honest and tell your spouse what they are doing is annoying you. Don't bottle it up or lie about how you feel. Explain it is not them you want to change, just the habit.

Step 2 Commitment to change

In order for change to take place you must both be aware of the importance of resolving annoying habits. Recognizing that they can drive a wedge between you and that whilst they may seem small or insignificant to other person it will affect your marriage. Overtime it can lead to you not wanting to live and be together anymore.

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Step 3 Work together

None of us likes to be criticized. When I address these issues in my marriage counseling sessions I ask couples to say they have a problem with the behavior and not the person. It is also important not to point out habits unless you are both willing and prepared to do something about them. The worst thing you can do is to spend hours criticizing each other destroying more love and then do nothing. So you want to create a plan for addressing it.

I encourage couples I work with to communicate anything that gets on their nerves. Ideally write a long list of habits to eliminate down on paper. Then circle the top 3 on each of your lists for the other person to change and commit your plan. Rather than giving them a huge list. Also remember to keep your sense of humor about it.

Step 4 Empathy

Empathy is SO SO important when it comes to improving a marriage. No matter what the problem is, try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes. Whilst at first it may be hurtful to hear them complaining, remember they also don't want to be annoyed, they too cannot help but get wound up. They are likely to have battled in their own head to get over it, but that hasn't worked, so they are opening up to you. Appreciate this and each other's perspectives.

Step 5 Express your feelings

Once you have discussed and created your plan. Don't let the annoyance build, express when they do it again. Say "That's really irritating me again, can you stop doing that" This will prevent you from holding the anger internally. Recognize that they may have genuinely forgotten and are not doing it deliberately.

Step 6 Be Patient

Old habits can be hard to stop, so be patient and don't expect miracles straight away. If you are changing a habit keep at it, at first it may seem difficult and feel unnatural but once learned it will become normal again. Experts say in order to form a new habit, it takes 21 days of continuous practice.

If your habit is more than a personal mannerism, I.e not the way you clean up after yourself or don't, talk, eat etc and more similar to or an addiction - get support.

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The majority of the time you see these women on TV, in a magazine, or online, they look gorgeous. Their hair is in the right place, their makeup is flawless, and according to most men, they're wearing the right clothes to fit the "right parts" of their bodies.

Let's face it: God made men to be very visual, and by default, most of them like pretty women. This explains why your husband gazes at the TV when these types of women appear in the media.

I know Kim Kardashian, Beyoncé, and Heidi Klum are millionaires and it's unrealistic to suggest you try to look like them. I also believe that your character is important to a good marriage as well.

But I do think you should work with what you've got to make yourself look as attractive as you can to your husband.

This may sound shallow, but my husband often gives me more attention when I've taken the time to look good for him. Have you ever noticed this in your marriage?

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Yes, looking good on a constant basis may take a little effort on your part, but in the long run, it's worth it. Looking good to your husband sets the atmosphere, not only for sex, but for your husband to desire to be in your presence. It prepares him to hear your heart. And it prepares him to say "Yes" when you need something.

When you look good it turns your husband on, and I believe it softens his heart to you.

If you don't think you have enough time to get yourself ready for your husband for instance, tell him to call you about 15-20 minutes before he gets home. This can give you a few minutes to prepare yourself for your husband. If the kids aren't around, doing it "sexy" is always an option. In other words, you can wear something revealing, something that says: "Come get me. I'm yours!"

If you want your husband to give you more attention, consider your physical appearance when you're with him. Again, you don't need to do "big stuff" or pay a lot of money. Just prepare yourself in a way that will make him come home to you.

Make sure your hair is neat. Put a little makeup on, and put on some neat clothes. While you don't need to look like you did on your wedding day, you can be presentable to your husband both inside and outside of the house. As a result, your appearance will speak words to your husband that far exceed what comes out of your mouth.

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1. Your actions over the next few hours, days and weeks of this crisis are very important. Do not beg and plead with your spouse, make promises to change or barrage your spouse with phone calls, emails or text messages. Remain calm; even giving the impression you are OK with your spouse's decision.

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There will always be times when you will wonder if your marriage will survive another day. For example, if you are dealing with empty nest syndrome, or financial problems, you may feel like you are married to a complete stranger. At the same time, if you are always fighting with your spouse, you may feel like that stranger is not a very nice one. Fortunately, most marriage saving tips are designed to help you regain all of the wonderful things that encouraged you to get married in the first place.

Once you realize that your marriage is damaged, you may feel overwhelmed by all the problems that you see. That said, it is very important to realize that these problems magnified and expanded across time. In most cases, the fastest way to reduce these problems is to go at it a little bit at a time. Eventually, you will find that enormous obstacles in your relationship are suddenly gone.

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Even if you have not had a good laugh with your spouse in years, it is time to start bringing some light and joy into your relationship. While you will still have problems to work through, rebuilding your sense of entrainment to each other can and should be a fun process. You may even find that going out on dates, or going back to things you did before you got married will help you re-establish these vital connections.

As you search for marriage saving tips, it is important to view them in the context of your relationship. In some cases, you may need to look for advice that helps you work with a smaller issue, or ones that are more manageable. At the very least, if you have to start with small steps at the beginning, you will have peace of mind knowing that you will not drive your spouse further away by trying too many things at once.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

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