My Husband Is Shutting Me Out: What To Do When Your Husband Shuts You Out

What do you do when your partner shuts you out?

Do you know that being shut out and stonewalled is even more hurtful than being yelled at? Children would rather get yelled at or even hit than ignored. This is why the worst punishment for prisoners is solitary confinement.

Yet, along with overt anger, withdrawal is the most common form of controlling behavior in relationships. Just as the fear of anger keeps partners from addressing issues, so does the fear of a partner's withdrawal.

Loretta is struggling with this issue.

"I'm in a two year relationship. My main problem is how can I raise an issue without him turning his back on me and walking away? I have to follow him to get my feeling across only to have him ignore me. He says I am never happy with what he does and feels frustrated that he can't make me happy. The ignoring makes me feel unloved and rejected. I have told him how it makes me feel but he still does it."

There are a number of issues here that need to be addressed. Loretta is using her feelings to make her partner responsible for her. She wants to tell him her feeling rather than open to learning with him about herself and about him. Her partner feels responsible for her happiness, and since he can't take responsibility for her happiness - we have to take responsibility for our own happiness - he feels frustrated and walks away. Loretta follows him, trying to have control over him listening to her, believing that if only he would listen and understand, he would change. It's easy for her to believe that the only reason she feels unloved and rejected is because he shuts her out, but she also feels unloved and rejected because she is abandoning herself by making him responsible for her feelings.

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This is a very typical relationship system: Loretta is telling her feelings as a form of control and her partner is walking away as a form of control. Neither is open to learning.

What Loretta needs to do is practice inner work and learn to love herself so that she stops trying to control and instead is able to open to learning with her partner.

Linda has the same issue with her husband:

"When something happens where I get upset as a result of an action my husband did, my husband shuts down. He distances. This can go on for days. So it's as if he gets shut down because I got upset at him. But it continues even after I calm down and even apologize for getting upset or explaining what it was like for me. When I ask if there is something he wants to discuss he says no. Is anything bothering you? No. What can I do? I know I need to give him time but I can't tolerate the coldness and wall between us."

Again, Linda is abandoning herself rather than loving herself. She isn't accepting that getting upset with her husband hurts him as much as his distance hurts her, and he doesn't know how to compassionately manage his pain any more than she does. Linda can shift their dysfunctional system by learning to love herself and take responsibility for her own upset - and then approach her husband with an intent to learn. Her husband could also learn to lovingly manage his pain rather than shut down. But since Linda is the one who wrote to me, she is the one I would address.

Loving yourself when your partner shuts down means:

1. Practice the inner work healing process, learning to take responsibility for your upsetting feelings so that you don't approach your partner with blame for your feelings.

2. Love yourself by being very compassionate with your pain when your partner withdraws.

3. Approach the issue only after you are no longer upset, so that you can be open to learning about yourself and your partner.

4. If you partner isn't open to exploring the issue, then love yourself by deciding for yourself how to take loving care of yourself regarding the conflict issue.

You may be very pleased with what happens in your relationship if you learn to love yourself and heal your end of this common relationship system!

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Marriage is one of those things like many relationships that need constant work. A marriage left neglected can end up on skid row if you're not careful. To improve marriage bond and closeness we need to be effective communicators.

One of the main ingredients in a successful marriage is communication. Communication is what we do all day everyday. It can be conscious, unconscious, verbal, non verbal, physical or non physical but all day we communicate on various levels.

Each of us has a need to feel validated and heard. Yet so many of us never learn the skills needed to meet these needs in the most important people in our lives. We neglect people's feelings, we talk at people, we don't see the hidden signs, we let our emotions go unchecked, we let off steam, we name call, we don't acknowledge the other person, we give solutions instead of really listening, we take on the other person's problem.

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Acceptance, listening skills, non judgmental, empathy, compassion and problem solving are just several of the skills involved in learning to be a good communicator in a marriage.

One of the most important skills you can learn is to really listening. In conversation many people often speak at the other person and never really listening to the underlying message or the feelings that the person is trying to convey to them.

Since 70% of communication is visual we can go along way to be able to read the body language of our partner. Being able to sense when your partner needs to talk, or is sad and lonely can mean the difference to your marriage. It may even lead to a more fulfilling relationship with your partner.

There are many courses today to teach us the valuable skills needed to improve marriage and our relationships. It is worth the time to learn these skills which will not only enhance your life and relationships but will also enrich the lives of the people around you.

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Marriage troubles are an inevitable part of being married. So if you are married, make sure you understand that divorce should never be an option to resolve marriage conflicts and issues between you and your spouse.

Instead, look into other possible options such as browsing through a lot of self-help books available in the Internet. There are also the marriage-saving guides like Save My Marriage Today which can truly be a lending hand in salvaging your marriage from divorce or separation.

As old people say, love and marriage, they are like a horse and a carriage. Yes, true indeed. Love and marriage should be tugging against each other at all times just like how the horse pulls the carriage in order to move. If the horse has gone dead and therefore, there is no more horse to pull the carriage to make it move forward; goes to say that in marriage, if there is no more love to pull the marriage to success, then there is no doubt that the marriage will automatically falter.

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Check out the reviews on Save My Marriage Today to find out how it can truthfully help you regain the love between you and your spouse. Read through the countless of testimonials given by couples who have tried reading the book and followed the instructions perseveringly and eventually achieved positive results.

You can expect that your spouse will not want to go through a marriage counseling or avail of the community's marriage encounter. For that, the book becomes very effective because it gives out techniques on how you can break down the communication barriers between the two of you which have been there all along for so many years now. If at first, you do not right away succeed in opening communication lines, you may opt for the other strategies given in the book.

As a matter of fact, the book Save My Marriage Today is equipped with about 8 strategies in helping you solve your marriage muddles. So in any case that the first one you try does not work, then you can always try the others until you find the best answer to your specific marriage trouble. The author of the book, Amy Waterman has come up with 8 effective strategies to resolve marriage because she believes that a marriage crisis cannot be attributed to just one solitary marriage issue but a lot of them

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For a marriage to stay together, both parties must want to stay together. It only takes one of you to not want this, and it almost guarantees not only an unhappy marriage in the present, but possibly no marriage at all in the future. If the thought of this makes you anxious, you need to know what to look for in your partner's behavior that might signify that they are thinking about divorce. I've listed them below for you:-

1. They don't want to spend any time with you. If you regularly try to enjoy their company, and they are having none of it, this could be a warning sign. Of course, it could be for other reasons, but one partner not wanting to spend time with the other is never a good sign, unfortunately.

2. They have lost interest in sex. Again, there can be other reasons behind this, but it's quite often a sign that you just aren't clicking as a couple anymore. For a lot of people(women especially), physical intimacy is like the icing on the cake - a celebration of the relationship as a whole. When this is gone, it's a tell tale sign that something isn't right, particularly if they still display an otherwise healthy sex drive.

3. When you talk about the future, they don't want to be drawn on it. Maybe you try and discuss plans for a new house or a new child, and they refuse to engage in the discussion. It might be that they are currently going through the motions and don't necessarily see you as a part of their future.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

4. They are irritable and argumentative. It could be that rather than face up to the possibility that they feel they no longer want to be with you, they instead bottle up their frustration and unleash it when you are in regular day to day conversation. Maybe they think it's easier this way and in actual fact their behavior will eventually push you away, meaning they can't take full responsibility for wanting the marriage to end in divorce.

5. They are spending more and more time with other people, and making lots of new friends and contacts. Having a social life is normal and healthy, but if you notice they are spending a lot more time than usual with friends, and particularly making new ones, it could possibly be a cause for concern. In some cases, they might be(even subconsciously) creating a new network of people that they will spend time with after you two are no longer together.

This article is pretty bleak, and I'm really sorry for that. The bottom line is though - you need to look out for all these things. That's not to say you should be constantly paranoid and accuse your spouse of things, but just to be aware and keep an eye out. Even if some, or all of these things are the case - it doesn't mean all is lost. Even if they are thinking about divorce, it could just be because they don't know how to go about making things better in your marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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