My Husband Left Because Of My Depression: Husband Couldn't Cope With My Depression

In November 2012 my husband left our home and to date has yet to return. He is a man I love dearly however issues in our marriage pushed him away to a point that we currently are not communicating at all. This is devastating for me and I believe that even though he was the one that instigated the separation he is also hurting.

Our relationship has always been incredibly important to me and to think that it is actually my actions that have pushed my husband away.

Over the past two years I have lost sexual drive almost become a hermit in our home and consumed by work and our house renovation. Frankly I thought I was coping marvelously and plodding on through. First mistake. I must say that I was not aware that my life had become so stagnated, mundane and that the way I was behaving was affecting others, especially my husband. I had let myself go, piled on the weight and generally stopped looking after myself. Again no alarm bells rang, Just thought it was life and life can be tough.

It took my husband to leave for me to have the realisation that was long over due. obviously I was distraught that my husband had left but as time went by I realised the strong person I thought I was had vanished. My thoughts terrified me and If I could get to sleep I would wake terrified and scared, sweating profusely and crying like a baby. It all became too much. I had been dealt a double whammy - Loss of my husband and the realisation that I was suffering from depression.

15th December 2012. A day I won't forget. The lowest day of my entire life. The terrible thoughts that plagued my mind were more and more becoming a reality and I was starting to plan quite intensely the demise of my existence. My plans were scuppered by a very loving and caring sister who happened to call at the right time. This was the point of no return and I was taken to seek medical help.

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I had been lost for so long, trapped inside this body who longed to be her bubbly outward going, crazy, lunatic self but just simply couldn't.

Anti-depressants were prescribed along with other anxiety drugs. I knew however that this was not going to be a quick fix and that any strength I had left was going to be needed to get me through this. By identifying there was a problem I could now begin to rebuild however I don't think I consciously thought this I just took one day at a time.

Several weeks on and I am feeling a little better, but it is going to take time and patience to rebuild to the person I was and can be again.

During the last two years I had successfully pushed friends, relatives and my husband away. It was never my intention to do so and I certainly never meant to hurt anyone. All of them at one time or another could see the changes in me and all of them in their own way tried to let me know that things weren't right with me and that I needed help in some way. I never heard them.

So was it the depression or me that made me loose something so precious to me? I believe it is both. The depression changed my character but I for whatever reason (pride probably) had not identified the issues, and let the depression become who I was. Not anymore. I am determined to get ME back. For myself, my friends and family and most importantly for my husband. If I had lost who I was then he had also lost me.

When I am stronger I am going to seek reconciliation with my husband. I pray with all my heart that my husband and I can reunite and live a long, happy and fulfilled life together. I know I have the strength to find myself again and the strength to heal my marriage.

To all of you who suffer with or believe they may be suffering from depression. Do not feel ashamed. Millions of people all over the world suffer with depression ranging from mild to very serious cases. Don't feel you are alone. Seek help from your doctor and explain the way you feel as clearly as you can. Seeking medical help and counselling if necessary, is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of great strength.

Take care of yourselves always.

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Have you heard about John Gottman? Perhaps you read about him in Malcolm Gladwell's Blink! book.

John Gottman is a famous psychologist at the University of Washington. He developed a model that can predict if couples can live together happily, or will remain dissatisfied in their relationship and break apart.

Amazingly, his system predicts whether couples will break up with striking accuracy.

His research forms the successful basis for a method of counseling for couples, straight or gay, married or unmarried. We will explore a few of his discoveries in this article.

The four horsemen of apocalypse in a relationship

Couples in trouble usually have one or more of what Gottman calls 'the four horsemen of apocalypse' in their relationship.

These are

- criticism,

- contempt,

- stonewalling, and

- defensiveness.

On the other hand, respect and affection are positive things which strengthen relationships.

Gottman's system views the percentage of interactions between partners that involve "the four horsemen" versus the percentage that involve respect and affection. This is what gives it predictive power.

A therapist who follows Gottman's method will usually give his clients a thorough questionnaire to fill up in order to assess where they need help most.

He will also try to identify the strengths in their relationship and the dreams and life wishes of the partners.

During counseling, the couple work together with the therapist to increase the positive and decrease the negative in their lives. By doing so, they vastly increase the chances of a successful relationship, namely staying together and each being happy.

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Strengthening relationships

Couples who come to a therapist for counseling are usually in serious trouble. While there may be much that is positive in their relationship, the negativity may seem to be overwhelming. But with therapy, things can change, and their chances of staying together can skyrocket.

A few examples will help.

One gay couple in Austin consulted a therapist when anger and jealousy were threatening to break them apart.

While one of them valued independence in close relationships, the other longed for connection. Both worked in high-pressure jobs, and the tension from their work lives was spilling into their home.

With the help of the therapist, they learned to keep their private life separate from their professions.

When the partner who wanted emotional independence chose to put the relationship first, things began to turn around.

His partner started feeling more secure and became more fun to be around. When therapy ended, they had a stronger relationship and planned a commitment ceremony. According to Gottman's formula, chances were much higher that things would work out for them as a couple.

Premarital counseling and Gottman's methods

Gottman's method also works for those who are considering whether or not to marry.

It helps a couple thinking of getting married identify the strengths and weaknesses in their relationship.

Couples can then work on what will probably be the biggest issues in their marriage. The sorts of issues that can result in a marriage breaking up.

One couple in San Diego belonged to two different religious backgrounds, Christian and Jewish. They had a lot of differences due to their differing backgrounds and what they each perceived as the other partner's unwillingness to be flexible.

Therapy helped them learn how to communicate better about this basic difference and also helped them build techniques that allowed reasonable compromises. The therapy helped them increase the percentage of positive interactions, and decrease the negative. With their new tools, they were able to deal with religious issues and differences, and grow stronger as a couple at the same time.

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John Gottman and divorce and separation

Most people going to a therapist do so as a last resort to save their marriage. They want to avoid divorce and separation. A trained therapist can help them do this and also, if separation is unavoidable, to do it amicably.

John Gottman's techniques help here also.

One couple in Cleveland, married for four years, entered therapy when they reached a point where they were constantly arguing and considering breaking up.

The therapist, using Gottman's method, helped them realize they still liked each other and were close friends. Something that is easy to overlook when times turn rough and rocky.

The couple then worked on how to become less defensive and express feelings rather than criticisms, and develop a sense of humor about issues that are unavoidable but difficult parts of life.

By the end of therapy, they felt they were once more happily married and would stay that way.

A lot can be learned from John Gottman's methods. Someone seeking therapy may want to consider a therapist who has received some training at Gottman's institute. And for any counseling for a couple, marriage counseling or for couples who are not married, the idea of good interactions versus bad interactions can help a couple grow stronger.

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"Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling, because when we forgive we no longer feel the offense, we no longer feel resentment. Forgive, when forgiving your soul will find peace and you will give peace to your offended." Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Dragging the past into our present-day lives is meaningless when it becomes an obstacle to enjoying the present. Sometimes we "charge" memories that often trap us and make us "re-live" over and over what has already happened. When we are traumatized our brain uses forgetfulness as a control mechanism to cope with the pain.

We do remember beautiful things but it is more common to have the traumatic recall, which makes sense because as humans we flee from pain naturally. Similarly, memories can prevent us from getting the same problem back.

Memories are stored in all our senses, especially when things happen in a way we never expected. Anything that triggers from that event, such as a sound, a touch or a hit, a color, a voice, a song or a movie, is enough reason to open our mental files. In some cases they are totally open and disorganized keeping us in a constant turmoil. We transform our pain into suffering by paying too much attention to those memories. Our emotional brain is a "very primitive" system, when overactive; it causes us to lose rationality, tends to generalize, increases our negative thinking, perceives events in a negative way and keeps us as either/both the victim or the aggressor. When is overactive, this limbic system loses connection with the prefrontal cortex which is in charge of judgment, problem solving and critical thinking, furthermore, the ability to feel and express emotions is lost.

When unhealthy, a physical wound becomes infected. An emotional wound also becomes a chronic problem. Resentment can create multiple layers of negative emotions affecting both physical and mental wellbeing thereby impacting our quality of life. Ruminating obsessively is negative and becomes a bad habit that can lead into pain addiction because our brain reacts by secreting dopamine to balance the chemical imbalance generated by our negative thinking.

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Healing the past is simple but is not easy; this healing process is very different for each person and each situation is different as well. Some of the important features we may observe when seeking for help are:

RUMINATING, or thinking the same thoughts over and over, can make us slaves to our negative memories and stop us from living here and now. We remain "trapped" in such events; because emotionally we re-experience the situation every time we attend to them. In therapy, we learn to be just spectators of painful, past situations, to have a different view of what has already happened. Every counselling session could open the range of possibilities for a different perception. We can not change what is done, during the therapeutic process my clients move from denial to acceptance. It is very important to observe the following normal responses:

UNRESOLVED RESENTMENT CAN DAMAGE NEW RELATIONSHIPS: Every time we re-live a difficult situation that happened in the past painful memories can keep hurting us over and over. Painful memories lead to resentment because we attempt to imagine justice when it is far too late. If we believe that someone from our past did not defend us or abandoned us when we needed them, we can re-live feelings of tremendous anger. Such resentment affects our inner self and our present relationship with others, even though they have nothing to do with our unfinished business.

TURNING ANGER INWARDS: We tend to punish ourselves for making mistakes or being the 'victim'. We may blame ourselves for not reacting "properly", which is quite normal. We would like to move on but we are afraid to 'get over it' because that would mean we let ourselves off the hook. That is why forgiveness is such a precious gift for us.

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Why are some people able to forgive but others can't?

Forgiveness is a rational decision, an important question to address during this process is... Are you feeling pain or suffering from the past that is affecting your life and relationships now? Because, when we cannot forgive the pain continues and we are responsible for creating the suffering in our present. By forgiving, our inner world gains peace. We begin to live in the present moment. Painful memories from the past no longer have the power to hurt us because there is no longer any attachment to them. The internal storm becomes a peaceful, flowing river. There is nothing more precious than the power to release or forgive because we gain the gift of the present.

Letting go of the past

If you have recognized that your past is limiting your present life, I would like to help you finally put the past to rest. First of all, you will need to CHOOSE to let it go. Are you ready to do this? If so, when will you begin? During the process, it will be important to accept the desire to change and also the lack of control over your recurring thoughts during your counselling. Furthermore, you have to recognize that pain from your past is not who you are. You will finally discover that beyond your beliefs, skills, experiences, emotions, thoughts or behaviour there is an internal and impartial observer, the real SELF. To begin to forgive you have to necessarily accept all the emotions and thoughts that come with it. During our counselling sessions, I can provide you with the professional support that facilitates this process.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com