My Husband Seems Distant Lately: Husband Is Distant and Not Affectionate

What do you say when your facing the love of your life and the knot in your throat is growing larger. It is hard to swallow now and your eyes begin to burn, as you start to unravel and come apart in front of your husband. Desperately you grasp for the right things to say, anything at all but you are only left with the question "how do I get back my husband when he is cold and detached?" This is the man, that in the beginning kept you up all night just talking, the same man that was lost in you from dusk till dawn. Now he is standing in front of you but his eyes are cold and his voice is distant, your husband is so close, but yet so painfully far away.

At moments like this, your heart aches with a gut wrenching pain it feels as though the breath has been pulled from your lungs. This feeling is overwhelming you to the point that begging is now the only option. This is not necessary because although your husband is displaying a cold and heartless persona, this is an act to mislead you into thinking that he dose not care. This is when you need to remember that if you are feeling this way than it is most certain that he is feeling the same about you. The reason that your husband is looking at you with cold eyes is that he must hide his feelings.

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Your husband is hiding his feelings so you will have no power over him. Then you will have no influence on his decision to leave even though he may not even want to go. You will know when he is doing this by the sound of his voice and the look in his eyes. It will be almost as if you are talking to an actor that looks like your husband. Being cold and detached is just an act that makes your husband feel that he is in control of himself. Knowing this will be a great help because the man you know as your husband is really there even though you cannot see him.

Your husband agonizingly wants your love and affection, so if he is leaving you it is because he believes that he cannot get that from you. Your husband has no hope that you will be able to give him your attention and love anymore, even though you would go through hell to give it to him. Simply show your husband that you can and still do love him. He is your best friend in the whole world, the man that stands before you is hurting vary deeply and needs a love that only you can give him. You are the woman he loves with every ounce of his being, so please do not give up on your husband because he is acting like a cold and detached child. So how do I get back my husband when he is cold and detached, just love him until he feels it.

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For years we have focused on the differences between men and women and thus, husbands and wives. Our desire has been to better understand our marriages as well as improve how we relate to one another. By understanding our differences we were supposed to feel better about each other, get closer, improve our connectivity and experience more fulfilling relationships. Through this, we have learned a lot and certainly the emphasis on our differences has had its benefits. However, for many, marital dissatisfaction remains! Let's face it, infidelity, divorce and increased co-habitation are not the result of husbands and wives that are deeply connected, committed or fulfilled in marriage. Prolonged emphasis on differences has caused disconnection and division. Many couples believe their spouse is the answer to reconciling this breach. In light of this, I offer two thoughts for consideration.

First, many things contribute to marital unhappiness. Somewhere among the contributors, we will find personal unhappiness. When a husband or wife is unhappy in their marriage, he or she is unhappy. Resolving this requires personal examination and that certainly does not begin with our spouse. Looking at our spouse or another person may provide temporary relief for a day, a week or even months. But, it will not last. We cannot solve internal problems by external means. At best we can treat the symptoms. This is why medicine fails with terminal illnesses. Medicine treats the symptoms, but never addresses the cause. The life of a terminally ill person can be prolonged with the right medication, still they are not cured. Examining differences between men and women and husbands and wives has provided symptom relief. However, unless we examine some of the underlying causes of marital unhappiness the cure will remain elusive.

This leads me to the second thought. If both husbands and wives are experiencing marital dissatisfaction and they are unable to satisfy each other's discontent, then perhaps it is not the marital unit that's the problem. Perhaps, marital unhappiness is a derivative of personal unhappiness. There are many things that cause us to be unhappy. Some of these things may vary from individual to individual. However, some of these causes are common to all. Here are two examples of individual unhappiness that affects our marriages.

1. The desire for unconditional love and positive regard.

The need to feel unconditional love defies gender. Husbands and wives may experience marital unhappiness because neither feels loved. It is a human need to feel loved and positively regarded by another without condition. This is no different for a man or a woman. True love is a Spirit that transcends male or female. In marriage, infidelity often occurs because we get this unconditional love and positive regard from someone outside of the marriage.

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It may be true that the thoughts that contribute to men and women feeling unconditional love may differ. Still couples may be better served by focusing on the mutually desired outcome. Emphasizing the individual male and female thoughts in an attempt to attain this love has only served to divide and detain us from experiencing the very thing we both long for.

When unhappy in marriage, one place both husbands and wives should look is their love 'tank' as Gary Chapman coins in his book, "The Five Love Languages." Each spouse should consider their tank's true source of fulfillment. Unless it is filled by someone other than our spouse, we will be dependent upon our spouse to fill it. This can lead to all kinds of games of manipulation and control. Since marriage is sacred, the only viable Person able to fill each of us with unconditional love is God. When husbands and wives take their eyes off of each other as the source of love and place them on God, they will discover an endless supply of love. When God fills a husband or wife with His love, he or she will inevitably bring this very thing back to their spouse.

In this manner, love becomes a sovereign act of their will. It is no longer dependent on having to be treated in a certain way, getting their own needs met or even on love being reciprocated. When a husband or wife is filled with the unconditional love of God they are free to love their spouse because the goal is no longer to get love from the other. This is the kind of love that Jesus teaches. If we don't adopt this kind of love then husbands and wives will continue to bite and devour one another until neither is left.

2. The desire for significance.

Both husbands and wives need to feel that they matter. Each of us needs to feel we are important and that what we do is important. What contributes to us feeling significant has changed over the years. Many women no longer feel significant and content in their roles as wives and mothers alone. In fact, today's woman was not raised to be a wife or mother. By and large women have been raised and educated to compete in Corporate America. While being a wife and mother is still quite important to these women, alone they do not hold the same significance as they once did.

Beyond family, women want to impact their community, country and even the world. This doesn't make these women bad wives or mothers. It makes them human. For God blessed them, male and female and said,

"Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth." (Genesis 1:28)

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Still highly skilled and competent women choose to stay home to raise their children. But this is not all they desire to do. Perhaps it is more of a question of timing, rather than the rightness or wrongness of their desire.

Men, on the other hand, have always been considered the hunters in marriage and society. Not only do men pride themselves on the size of their spoil, but wives have learned almost exclusively to respect their husbands on how much money they bring in. This is unfortunate because there is more to a healthy relationship than how much a husband makes, how many people he is responsible for or how many cars sit in his driveway.

His frustration is apparent in statements like, "It doesn't matter what I do it's never enough!" Husbands admit trying their best to reach what they have come to experience as the elusive bar of 'good enough' for my wife. It is not that most husbands want to shirk their responsibilities. They don't! But like wives, they too desire significance. Women desire significance beyond wife and mother. Men desire significance beyond what they do.

Men also want to feel significant for who they are. They don't want to live with wives that tie everything to their performance. They don't want to feel inspected and criticized all in the name of love. Husbands just want to be with their wives sometimes without feeling they have to perform to her expectations.

Husbands and wives both need to feel significant. God made us this way. We need to feel important whether at rest or at work. For women significance seems to have evolved to include pursuing ideas and work outside of her home. For men significance appears to have evolved to include resting from work and still feeling significant in the home.

The essence of men and women, husbands and wives is the same. At the core of our being is the need and desire for love and significance. A myriad of circumstances has and continues to compel us to re-evaluate our approach to marital fulfillment. If we begin with that which we have in common, we might have better success in achieving mutually desired outcomes.

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Being married can be a wonderful experience but many young people rush into marriage without giving it much thought. Perhaps they fell in love quickly and made the decision to marry on the spur of the moment.

The keys to a successful marriage depend on a number of different factors in order to have a long lived relationship. You need to acquire the necessary repairing marriage skills in order to bring about positive change.

Many marriages today end in divorce. The divorce rate in today's society is very high compared to what it was a generation or two ago. It used to be that when you got married it was for life, but that has changed significantly over time. Now marriages are common and done quickly by couples who do not really take it that seriously.

Television talk shows dedicate entire episodes to marriage problems. It is common to turn on one of these popular shows nowadays see the theme the show is, "The keys to a successful marriage" or "How to acquire repairing marriage skills".

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Couples take part in these television shows in a desperate attempt to get help from experts. This is a common occurrence in our society. We seek the quick solution to a problem that almost never exists.

Being married takes work. It requires that both parties involved work actively on the marriage day in and day out. Many marriages suffer due to the fact that the couple cannot communicate with each other or they do not have respect for one another.

If you do not respect your spouse, you will not get respect back. Being able to be honest with your spouse is also very important and if two people are not honest with one another, chances are good that their marriage is suffering because of it.

So the keys to a successful marriage largely depends on honesty and respect for each other. They are the most important repairing marriage skills you can have.

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