My Husband Uses Me Financially: Husband Lied About Debt - Marriage And Heading Off Money Conflicts

While many people may not believe that money - or its lack - can have a material impact on their marital relationship, perhaps surprisingly a good 80% of divorces are the result of conflict over money woes.

Marriage and money, however, can be compatible. Couples, though, need to work at it, bringing their expectations, historical spending habits, personal needs, and lifestyle desires to the table for open discussion.

Following are some tips that can be used to prevent marital problems spurred by financial issues:

1. Learn your spouse's spending style, and determine whether it is compatible with your own. If you discover issues that may lead to problems in the marriage, address them up front, or at the very latest as soon as they are uncovered.

If you ignore differences in your separate spending habits, they can easily lead to arguments that literally have the potential over time to become the end of your marriage.

2. Save money and shop wisely whenever possible, even if you have money to burn. Regardless of what you commit your finances to, it never hurts to spend time unearthing the best value for your dollar. Doing so may even prevent needless conflict from developing in your marriage - although admittedly, doing so might also stir it up if one of you loves to spend. In that case, back to point 1 above...

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3. When you are out as a couple evaluating potential purchases, don't be afraid to discuss money issues to make the best decisions for your financial situation. While these discussions may not prevent all financial disagreements, they have the potential to at least diffuse some of them - and to keep open the lines of communication in your marriage.

4. Marriages require trust to be successful - and that also includes trust in financial matters. So be realistic when dividing up financial responsibilities based on individual capabilities and interests rather than on who earns what. For example, maybe one of you is particularly good at generating income while the other is great at investing. Exploit your talents for the greater good.

5. Never underestimate the importance of budgeting your income rather than simply pulling out a plastic card first and asking questions later. Most people who fail to commit time planning ahead regret their impulsiveness later, winding up in otherwise easily avoidable financial binds - and added marital stress.

In addition to preserving your financial security, budgeting your finances is a great way to spend time together as a couple as well as improve your communication skills. You learn a lot about your mate during a budget discussion.

There is absolutely no need for that 80% of marriages which fail to do so because of money issues. Taking simple steps to handle your finances as a couple can help your marriage endure and thrive over the long-run.

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No longer can society's contributions to ruined marriages be ignored. Certain supposed progressive philosophies that have dominated societal thinking over the last 100 years has not improved marriages but has rather added to marriage degradation in our society.

This article is the result of over a decade of marital counseling. It will fly in the face of mainstream philosophy regarding marriage, and it will be decidedly incorrect politically. But when political correctness becomes a tool for marital degradation, someone ought to say something. So, I am saying it.

Most people have been raised to believe that marriages need to work a certain way. These philosophies, although sounding good, and sounding fair, have ruined and destroyed marriages. If you say something often enough and long enough, it becomes accepted as good and right despite evidence to the contrary. Some of the great dictators of history wielded this physiological weapon to enslave his people or perpetuate a war.

Here are some of the prevailing philosophies that have contributed to the ruination of marriage:


The woman's liberation movement began full of good intentions. But it has imparted a prevailing societal belief that men and women are no different. This lie has had a profound effect on men's attitudes towards women and women's attitudes towards men.

To say that the typical woman's emotions, thought processes, desires, sources of security, and outlook on life are no different than the typical man's is absurd. Being different is not bad! A marriage is supposed to be a union of two completely different people whose strengths, weaknesses, and differences complement each other and where the whole is greater than the sums of its parts!

We put girls on the same football teams as the boys and tell our boys to go off and tackle her. We teach him that he is to treat girls no differently than he treats his buddies. This belief and training stick with him through adolescence and into adulthood when he is bigger, stronger, and much more physical than the pretty wife he married. We have only encouraged him to be physically abusive when confronted with problems.

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Our girls are put on the same mat as a boy and then encouraged to wrestle. They grapple (grope) one another in displays of physical dominance that would have been obscene a hundred years ago and is now cheered by peers and parents alike. At young ages, she may even have the physical prowess to defeat her male opponent. But one day, she will marry a man that outweighs here significantly and whose body has developed muscles in ways that girls do not and the only way she knows to control bad situations is to react physically. You can see where this will lead.

We dress our girls like boys (and often with less clothing) and we encourage them to compete in the same arenas, with the same aggression, and the same no holds barred rules that boys and men have traditionally always competed with.

The result? The average boy has no respect for the body of a girl. He will treat her body as an object, but not with respect. He will not uphold the ideas of feminism as something to protect and preserve-just something to exploit and compete against.

I was raised to uplift women. I was raised that a woman was something very special, something to protect and provide for. I was never to lay a hand on a girl. Take that out of a male's thinking and he will treat a woman differently. He will compete and try to dominate physically. That will make for a bad marriage.


Equal in importance? Absolutely! But to say that a man and a woman are equal in all aspects is ridiculous. Men cannot have babies, where is the equality in that? Take the average man and the average woman and the man will always be stronger and more physical than the woman.

Saying that men and women are equal in everything is like saying that the mind and heart are equal. They are not. They are both vital to the survival of the body, but they perform two completely different roles.

This strikes at the heart of the problem this philosophy has created. When you tell the man and the woman that they are completely equal, you blur the lines of the roles that need to be maintained for a functioning marriage. Imagine a company of 100 people where everyone was the boss. What would get done? What would be accomplished? Nothing, except fighting and arguing. Sound like the typical marriage?

This equal philosophy only works if both parties think exactly the same way in everything. If they do not, then they will merely butt heads!

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A successful marriage is dependent on the husband and the wife playing certain roles within the marriage. Blur those roles and you have dysfunction. Growing up, I was taught that the man is the head of the home, and just like the most valuable asset of an employer is his employees, the most valuable asset of a husband is his wife! I was taught that as the head of the home, my role, I was to protect and provide for the most valuable part of the marriage-my wife!

My role does not make me a dictator, but as head of the home, I take the greater share of the problems to deal with. I make the hard decisions so she will not have too. Could she? Yes, but taking this role allows her to perform her role better. It allows here to be what I need. Together, we accomplish great things. We have a great marriage!

Think about it. Ever had a boss that treated you right? Knowing that you were being taken care of at the top made you much more generous and tolerant of the decisions he has to make for the company. You are much more supportive of a boss that believes his greatest asset is you. You will work hard to prove his faith in you correct. You will get along with him. You will be a team. You do your part, he does his! This is how a marriage ought to be.

This in no way implies that one role is more important than any other. You need both, husband and wife, to make it work. It cannot be done when both try to play the same roles.


There is so much more on this subject that ought to be said. I already know people will disagree with me, but by in large they will be people who have not had to deal with or counsel over a decade of dysfunctional marriages.

Our society has raised us to believe in certain things that have, and statistically proven, only made things worse as pertaining to marriages. Now, people do not even bother getting married, they just shack up together until it no longer works. Now the importance of marriage has been diluted in our societal conscious. It is a shame.

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Marriage is one the the biggest challenges a person will ever face in life.

Everyone wants a soul mate, and many times relationships will start out that way. Over time, couples drift from being soul mates into being other kind of mates.

Let's take a look at each of these kind of mates.

4 Kinds of "Marriage Mates"

Soul Mates

We've all heard this term many times and it is what most of us desire. You feel connected at a soul-ullar level, passion is high, and it's a great place to be.

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Life Mates

Life mates are couples who have decided to spend their lives together, even though some of the passion and luster have worn off. These couples genuinely love each other, care about each other, they are just not passionately in love.

Room Mates

So many couples drift from soul mates into room mates. The drift is not fast or intentional, that's why it is called a drift. Couples get along like room mates do, with some friendliness and no passion. To get back to the soul mate level is an intentional journey.

Cell Mates

This is the worst kind of relationship. Couples feel trapped in a situation that neither of them believe they can get out of. People settle for less and stay in a loveless and painful situation. They are gonna keep their "til death do us part" vows, hoping the other goes first.

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One of the biggest strains on modern marriage is the belief, fueled by tons of self-help books, that our partners should make us happy. Couples persist in this unfortunate assumption, even though research shows that happy people make happy marriages, rather than the other way around. In other words, if you were happy before you met your partner, you have a good chance of being happy after marriage; but if you were an unhappy single, marriage alone won't make you happy.

Rather than using their negative emotions as motivations to heal, improve, and repair, unhappy people tend to blame them, first on themselves and later on their partners. Eventually this leads to pathologizing the spouse with a clinical diagnosis or moral/emotional failing - he/she is crazy or has a personality disorder or ADD - or all three - and is incapable of love and sympathy.

Blaming gives unhappy spouses a sense of superiority and self-righteousness, which certainly feels more powerful than the self-doubt inherent in complex relationships. But this fleeting sense of power comes at a high price. In reducing self-doubt, it eliminates the motivation to heal, improve, and repair, leaving in its place a chronic and impotent resentment. It keeps their consciousness locked on how unhappy, even "damaged" they are at the hands of their partners.

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A number of years ago, I tried starting my initial therapy sessions with couples by giving a marriage quiz - there are several good ones available. I had to forego the practice fairly quickly - no matter how the questions were phrased, people answered by focusing on the ways their partners were failing them. In other words, the quizzes designed to help assess the couple inadvertently reinforced their blame and resentment.

In response to my own self-doubt as a therapist, I came up with the Marriage Quiz, designed to uncover self-doubt and turn it into motivation to heal, improve, and repair. It works by asking how loving, compassionate, supportive, flexible, fair, and sexy you think you are and then comparing your answers to what you think your spouse thinks of you in each of those dimensions. It asks you to see yourself through your own eyes and through your partner's eyes at the same time.

Though not fool-proof, the Marriage Quiz opens a small window of opportunity to see that your marital problems originate in the way you interact with each other rather than the character or diagnosis or childhood of your partner. It helps you see that happiness is not a right but an elusive state that must be approached with much effort and fidelity to your deepest values.

If you are not able to use self-doubt as motivation to heal, improve, and repair and if you cannot see yourself through your partner's eyes, just about anything you ask of your partner will seem manipulative at best or, at worst, controlling and abusive.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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