My Husband Wants Nothing to Do With Me: What Can I Do To Make My Husband Want Me

I often hear from people who are upset and somewhat shocked to suddenly be facing the reality that their spouse is threatening to divorce them because of a character trait that their spouse finds annoying. I find that one of the most common character traits in this category is anger, unhappiness, or pessimism.

Here's an example that I might hear. "Last night, my husband told me that he was considering filing for divorce. I have to say that I was shocked by this although I know that he's sometimes unhappy with me. His reason for wanting out of the marriage is that I am apparently 'an unhappy person' who brings him down. There's a little background here. I don't want to sound as if I am defending myself but my husband has been trying to start his own business to sell one of his inventions. At first, I supported him. But then he cut back on his paid work in order to devote more time to his dream. Once it became clear to me that he was putting our financial future in jeopardy, I felt that I had to say something. I told him that he needed to be realistic and that we could not afford to jeopardize real money that we have coming in to support our family on something that might not ever pay out. I have no problem with him working on the invention on weekends or evenings. But I feel that it's selfish for him to diminish his income pursuing something that is only a dream. He says that I take joy in dashing his hopes and dreams. He says that I am a negative and unhappy person who is always going to look at or point out the pessimistic side of things. He says he can't take my attitude anymore because it is hard enough to hold onto his dream when I'm always bringing him down. I will admit that I am a realist and he is a dreamer. But I don't think that we need to end our marriage over this. I admit that I tend to look at the negative side of things, but that's because I don't want for anyone to set their sights too high and be disappointed. How can I turn this situation around?"

It can feel very personal when your spouse is not only being critical of who you are, but is also using this as justification to divorce or leave you. It's one thing to identify a breakdown or serious issue within your marriage. And it is another thing when that same issue relates to your makeup or identify as a person. You're often left feeling that you are a in a no win situation, as it's not really realistic (or fair) to ask you to change who you are at the core.

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However, as daunting as all of this sounds, I believe that there are things that you can do in order to turn it around. I'll discuss this more below.

Understand That People Will Pull Away From Anything That Makes Pulls Them Down, Especially If They Are Struggling To Stay Afloat Emotionally: I'm was sure that even though this wife was being described negatively, that there were two sides to this story. There's typically one spouse in a marriage who is more of a realist and another who seems to be focused more on future possibilities and asking "what if?" And this can actually work very well in a marriage because you need both sides of the equation in order to achieve balance.

But it's very important to understand that people can become very defensive about and protective of their dreams. And if those same dreams are challenged, they will often project those feelings of frustration onto you and onto the marriage. It's just human nature to react negatively to someone or something that you perceive as threatening to what you really want. And you can love that person or thing with all of your heart and still be frustrated because you are so invested in your dream.

When I was separated from my husband, I started to journal. Over time, this became vital to my well being. And today, writing is a very sacred habit for me. When I'm writing, I get very annoyed if someone I love disrupts that process. For example, yesterday my mother called in the middle of a writing session, and I couldn't get her off the phone fast enough, even though I love my mother very much. It's not personal either. It's just that people tend to get extremely protective and not very objective when it comes to their dreams.

Also, people who are holding onto a seemingly impossible dream can already be on emotionally shaky ground. It takes a lot of courage and emotional energy to quiet those doubts in your mind and go ahead anyway. This wife's husband was probably well aware of the challenges that he faced. But it caused him pain when she put this into her own words.

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Changing The Dynamics And Changing The Script: I don't really think it's possible (or even fair) for someone to have to change their personality. The wife was a realist and there was nothing wrong with that. But she needed to understand that her husband was probably a bit over sensitive right now because he was trying to protect his dream. And frankly, the world may well have shown him a harsh reality in time. But it wasn't the wife's place to do that. Instead, it was her place to support him.

At the same time, she had her family and her financial future to think about. So obviously, a compromise was in order. She might start by taking an honest inventory of how negative she really was - especially in areas other than the new business. If you find that you are indeed inclined to see the bad in every situation, know that this can be draining and, know that once you are aware, then you can choose another way to respond.

Speaking of a response, you may want to try to address this issue quite directly in the spirit of compromise. A suggested script might be something like: "I am sorry that you find me to be unhappy and pessimistic. I don't mean to be that way. I suppose in my own mind, I am only trying to be realistic. I support your dream completely, but I also know that you don't want to put our family or our finances at risk. I'd love to help you out on evenings and weekends. I'd be more than willing to help to lighten your load at home so that you can devote more spare time to the business. But I don't feel that we should jeopardize what we have already built. Can we work together to make the business happen in a way that still maintains the financial security that we already have?"

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Even though it may seem as if your spouse has already given up in the marriage and has maybe even fully expressed that they have no intention of doing anything to help save the marriage, it isn't too late. There are still plenty of things you can do to change things around. What remains an issue for most is - Time. If you're going to save your marriage without the help of your spouse than you need to get to work right away.

But, there's going to have to be a little bit of a mind reset on your part so to speak if you're going to make this happen. I'm not trying to go all guru magic of the mind on you here. I'm saying that no matter what your spouse is doing or not doing, it's something you're going to have to forget about right now. You can't take the necessary steps or actions to save your marriage if you're constantly worrying over what they're up to, who they're with at the moment or if today is the last day. Although any of this can and probably will take its toll on you at first, you have to know that it's part of it and accept it ahead of time so that you can better cope.

You have to remember that although you would like to have control to some degree over these things, at the end of the day you don't. Nor should you aspire to. If you're still under the impression that you do somehow, you're only setting yourself up for more worry, disappointment and anger. What you need to focus on are the things that you do have control over, starting with you.

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Up to this point, everything you've said and done is irrelevant. You can't change anything or take back any damage that may have been done leading up to this. So stop looking towards the past, blaming you or your spouse, imagining how things might be different if you would have done this or that. It won't do a bit of good for anyone to have things held over their head, especially in the middle of a heated marriage crisis. It only further breaks down communication between the both of you and prevents any new talks to save the marriage, so don't waste your time or energy keeping score.

As hard as it may be to do, you need to prop yourself back up. If you're going to save your marriage, you have to muster up the strength to get control over your emotions. Don't let the hurt, frustration, anger, confusion and panic to save your marriage rule what you're going to say and do. Uncontrolled emotions have the potential to usher in the final blow to an already struggling marriage. Sometimes forever embedding a deep sense of regret into the one who dealt it. Give your spouse some space, let them carry on as normal while you begin to take steps towards turning your marriage around. You don't have to tell them what you're doing, sometimes their criticism is better left unheard.

Saving the marriage with little to no help from your spouse takes planned action. You can't expect to play this by ear or leave it up to chance. If you're serious about saving your marriage, you have to act like it. Take the initiative to find a plan that is designed to save marriages and begin working the steps it lays out for you after you carefully examine it. Find out what actions and behavior cause more damage to an already fragile marriage and keep yourself from making those mistakes. Bottom line is, don't let your spouses lack of cooperation in saving the marriage discourage you from taking the steps necessary to do so.

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Now you are reading this article, which means you are trying to save your marriage. I must first say that I congratulate you for that from the bottom of my heart. If only more people were like you and tried to save their marriages instead of just going the easy way and accepting the divorce.

My marriage was never a "dream" marriage, I knew that; but I had sacrificed so much for this marriage and I loved my husband. So when my husband first made it clear to me that he didn't want the marriage any more, I was so devastated and desperate. The first and only thing I could think of doing was to beg him for forgiveness, for our marriage. This was the only thing I could think of doing to save my marriage.

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But it didn't help. How could it? When your spouse wants to divorce, the reason for that is that he or she is fed up with you and your marriage for one reason or another. And when you press on your spouse to talk, the only thing you are doing is to making him more fed up with you.

This is the reason why you should go against your instincts and emotions ("the flow") when you want to save your marriage. Because you are desperate, all you can come up with are some knee jerk, desperate reactions to a hopeless situation. Begging is not the way to go.

If you want to save your marriage, you should stop trying to talk to your spouse and you should stop begging. Go against the flow. Go against your own emotions and ask for some outside advice.

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A common question I've seen people ask is 'Does Marriage Counseling Work?' While it is natural to ask this question, I believe a better question to ask is: "What can I do to ensure marriage counseling works for me?" Hence, I've chosen to share these 3 tips so you can make the most of any marriage counseling session you choose to attend.

Tip #1: Have at least one goal BEFORE you attend any counseling session.

For marriage counseling to work and be effective, couples or individuals must decide on at least one goal they would like to achieve, as a result of attending the session.

Without a goal in mind, it is impossible to determine whether marriage counseling has helped you to improve your relationship or not.

So, for example, you can decide:

- I want us to be able to talk about money calmly and rationally, without raising our voices at each other.

- I want my husband to learn how to listen to me.

- I want us to work out our differences and become closer.

When you and your spouse enter a counseling session with clear objectives of what you would like to achieve, your marriage counselor can help you work towards that goal.

The bottom line is: This is YOUR marriage. Don't expect your marriage counselor to tell you what your marriage should look like. He or she can't do that for you. Only you and your spouse can decide what is best for your partnership.

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Tip #2: Don't wait too long before going for marriage counseling.

Ideally, it is best to go for counseling when both of you are motivated to work towards a happy and healthy marriage together.

However, many couples will only turn to counseling as a last resort to save their marriage from divorce.

The problem of 'waiting too long' occurs when:

1. one party no longer cares about the outcome of the marriage,

2. one partner strongly believes that divorce is the only way to end their problems.

In these situations, there is no guarantee that marriage counseling will work because your marriage can't improve as long as one partner is resisting the change. In this case, it may be useful to use marriage counseling to help your reluctant partner see the consequences of separation and divorce instead.

Tip #3: Accept that marriage counseling is a process that takes time to work.

If the problems in your marriage are quite serious, chances are it took a period of time for them to become this way.

Hence, it is unrealistic to expect one session of counseling to be a magic wand that will heal everything overnight.

As long as you set realistic and specific goals for marriage counseling, as well as give yourselves a reasonable timeline to see improvements in your relationship, you will not be disappointed.

More importantly, you need to be patient with yourself and your spouse. Give each other enough time to learn and practice new ways of communicating. Also, be sure to acknowledge your partner's efforts.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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