My Truth - I Have Herpes
rnI am ready on one level even though my body is reacting to have such a powerful effect on me still. So I want to share my pretty little secret I have herpes such a simple little sentence, three little words, and so hard for me to say for a long time. I didn't even call it that I couldn't even say the words earthy I would call it X; I would write in my journal X X everywhere x mark the spot. I don't know why I didn't; I couldn't well know why the word was. It's disgusting to me at the time.
I felt dirty, and I felt ashamed yeah, that word was hard to hear. It was hard to accept. I was 21at the time, you know, pretty my diagnosis I'd been in my first and only loving relationship with someone for a long time. I waited for over a year since I was, you know felt like a good girl you know, and then I'd had you know traveled overseas, and some summer romances and that's when I got herpes from someone it you know I felt like it was so unfair that I had been so careful and I had taken precautions, and I didn't feel like this should happen to me.
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rnI was so young now I can look at it and see that my reaction was as if I had a death sentence, and I can see and put it in perspective and know that it hasn't ruined my life, but at the time, as you know a young woman I certainly felt like that this was going to ruin my life. How would I tell a partner how would I ever have a healthy, loving relationship who would want to be with somebody? So many people go through all of those questions when they have experienced anything that has some stigma attached to it. It was heartbreaking to me. I felt violated, and you know, at the time, I remember thinking when I interview people now, and I asked them about their different adversities and struggles. The one question I ask is, what did you feel was taken from you and for me. I felt like my youth took my freedom because, you know, I wasn't free to meet people and have fun in relationships and get to know someone and took away the joy of meeting someone and getting to know them and finding out. If it would go somewhere, you know, and it didn't take that away now I know I did because that's how I reacted to it and the hold it had over me you know I allowed that to happen, but you know, and all of a sudden I woke up I'm 38 now and I'm single, and so I can see that it's held that over me for a very long time.
When it comes to relationships that you know I struggle because it plays on your mind the minute you meet someone you start going through you know when am I going to tell them how am I going to tell them all of those questions and I've got a lot better at dealing with it, I've had some amazing partners who've been very accepting and have thankfully never been contracted it because I can manage it now, but you know that it's something that's always there for you and you always have to think about.
About five or six years ago, a counselor who knew a friend of mine who knew what I had been through said to me no, she'd met a young lady who had been diagnosed with herpes, and she was suicidal, and she wanted it. if I would talk to her anonymously on the phone and when I spoke to this lady, I felt like I was speaking to my 21-year-old self and saying all the things that I wished that someone had said to me or that I had known and that was the seed that started this idea for this show it planted this seed for me
Now, I am beautiful, and I am loved. I am lovable, and you know I have the most incredible life, the most incredible family, most incredible friends, and that's what I would tell my21-year-old self that everything will be okay. You are going to be able to have relationships. You are going to be able to be loved, and it will be okay, so I say to all of you who have some kind of secret and that I hope that you will find peace and find a way to get to a place where it's your pretty little secret and show you a pretty little secret with us.
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