Need More, Want More

Dear Michael,

I've been dating a guy 3 months. 5 months ago, his previous girlfriend broke up with him without warning. He asked me out and initially pursued me but now it's got to the stage where I'm hoping he would spend more time with me, but he doesn't.

He makes plans with everyone else and catches up with me when there's a spare moment. I haven't been intimate with him yet - because I don't want to, until I know we're serious.
Here is an example of what's frustrating me: I called him Friday and asked if he wanted to come over on the weekend. He said he had a friend over one night, was having drinks with friend on another night, and dinner with a couple on another night.

He asked if we could keep it flexible and I told him he could just give me a call. He didn't call. He sent me an email asking if he could come over the following night. The next morning he emailed me, "I was reminded last night that I already made plans for tonight, but I'd forgotten, sorry about that".

I was really annoyed. Then he left a message, saying he hoped I got the email, and we will visit when he gets back from his trip. I didn't hear anything more from him, it will be interesting to see if he calls me.

Can you tell me if I should take things mega-slowly and expect nothing from him and suppress my needs, while he tries to get over his ex or should I walk away from this situation (he knows I just came out of a bad break up..and it did hurt my self esteem)?

Annoyed and Frustrated

Dear Annoyed

Thank you for your letter. Have you ever seen a person walking a dog, and every time the dog started to wander off, it was jerked back to the owners side? It would seem to me your neck must be hurting.

You wander off and he is jerking the chain. He knows what he is doing. He plans activities with other people and not with you. When he is having dinner with another couple, you could be there to make a foursome.

The relationship is convenient for him, he calls or visits when he has nothing else to do. Now, its time to take control. First , that’s great you have not involved yourself sexually with this moron. You need to save intimacy for someone who cares.

Now, listen to me, do not call him, no matter how much you want to, resist the urge. You are going to be in control from now on. He knows you are going to call, he expects you to call, he thinks he is still jerking the chain, big mistake. When he finds no phone messages, or emails, he is going to start looking for you, bet on it.

Wait for him to call, when he does, act cool toward him. He will sense this and start wanting to know if you missed him, is anything wrong? etc. When he wants to suggest you get together, tell him you have other plans, but thank him for calling. This will turn his world upside down. He thought he had you wrapped around his finger- wrong-o-yak breath, you have escaped. He will try all sorts of tricks and maneuvers to get you to "mind". When he gets to a point where he is almost begging to see you,( you will know when this moment comes, because he will act in ways you have not seen before) this is when you drop the hammer (so to speak).

Tell him you have met someone who knows how to treat you better and you would appreciate if he never called you again. Then you take a trip to the mall, and get yourself a new outfit. You deserve it.

Since you have recently broken off with someone, give yourself some time to recover, before you get involved again. When the time is right, you will feel it. Then you will be ready for someone special. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person. Make this your mantra.

Best To You

Michael nn