On Second Thought

Monique Blouin remembers vividly when her daughter was 12 and started flirting with rudeness. For three straight days, the sixth-grader responded to everyday requests with rolled eyes and a defiantly posed hip. Then Annie muttered that her mom should just chill out. "That's it!” said the Montreal mother of two teens. "You're not going to hockey practice." At the time, Annie was playing at the highest competitive level for girls, which meant Grand-mama's funeral was about the only valid reason to skip training. Not surprisingly, Annie staged a loud protest. Blouin remembers thinking The, coach is going to have a fit, and their next game is a tough one, and it’s not the teams fault if she's being rude..., and says, "In the end, I caved."

But when the sass continued, Blouin went from regretting the penalty to regretting that she'd dropped it. Fortunately, with support from the coach; she had a second chance: The next time Annie crossed the line, Blouin didn't let her play. Annie worked herself into such a state that she ended up with a migraine. But the rudeness has stopped - now that Blouin has hockey in her back pocket.

Hands up, if you've ever wanted a do-over with your kids. Maybe you wished you could erase the sound of your voice uttering a ridiculous consequence or hesitated to comfort your teething toddler at 3 a.m. for fear of messing up his sleep habits. Venting and hand-wringing won't turn back time, but changing your mind is OK, says Richard Young, a professor of counseling psychology at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver. "Situations change or rules may not work the way we'd hoped," he says. In some cases, reversing a decision can teach your kids valuable life skills. Follow these guidelines next time you need to press the reset button.

Change rules, but stick to principles

David Wolfe, director of a violence prevention center for youth in London, Ont., that's part of the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, remembers restricting his three school-aged children to two activities or lessons a week. "The principle behind this was for them to feel some control over their lives and to develop some mastery," he says. "Otherwise, everyone's sanity is at risk because you're running around every evening, and the kids feel pressure to excel at everything."' When one of his daughters asked to add a Saturday-morning modern dance class, Wolfe considered how she was balancing her school work and downtime, and decided she could manage everything. "That's not breaking your principle on over committing," he says. "It's adjusting your rule."

Even when you're showing flexibility, remember that your ultimate goal is to uphold what you are trying to teach your children, whether compliance, safety or responsibility. Which means it's important to spell out what your principles are. In the past, a parent's moral compass was often set by religious beliefs or family upbringing; today, Wolfe observes, some families chart their own course in deciding which values are must important. 'Rules can change as the child matures or as circumstances change," says Wolfe. "But principles don't change very often because they're broad statements of what we're trying to achieve as parents."

By: Francis David