Practicing Mindfulness isn’t Selfish, it Can Make you Happier

I can’t tell you how frequently a student raises her (and usually it is a her) hand in the mindfulness meditation classes I teach at UCLA and says, “I feel really guilty about taking time out of my day to meditate or do anything for myself. I feel like I’m stealing time from my family. It feels so selfish.”

If you are having this feeling, I completely understand why you may be thinking that. Many people struggle with balancing family life with other responsibilities: career, friendships, caring for someone, etc. There is sometimes a cultural expectation (which varies from culture to culture, of course) that people—often women— should take care of everyone else except themselves. I find this attitude to be naïve and ultimately harmful to the people in your life, not at all conducive to happiness.

Janet has three children, a thriving part-time environmental law practice, and a diverse group of friends to whom she is deeply committed. She started our introductory mindfulness class (MAPs for Daily Living) and responded immediately to the meditations. She found a sense of inner stillness she had never before encountered, except when she would go back-packing, long before her children were born. She took several of the classes, but after about five months, she reported increased anxiety and guilt over taking time out for herself, “I feel like every moment spent meditating is one less moment I am spending with my children; it feels so selfish.”

I asked Janet if she had noticed a benefit in her life from meditating. “Well yes, of course, I’m generally much happier, less stressed out, and my kids are getting a mom that is more present for them.”

“Did you answer your own question?” I asked

“I guess my children and husband, and well, probably my staff is all benefiting from me being more peaceful and stress-free, but…”

I assured Janet that taking time for herself was not selfish. In fact it may be the best thing she could possibly do, not only for herself, but also for her family, coworkers, and ultimately the greater community.

Meditation changes us from the inside. We then act more consciously with everyone we meet. And our interaction changes their future interactions and so on… The effects of meditation ripple out and in increasingly wider circles. To not take time for oneself is ultimately self-harming, leading to burnout, overwhelm, and despair. Taking some time to rejuvenate, reconnect, and understand oneself deeply is a revolutionary act in these times—it opposes cultural norms and expectations, but has deeply fulfilling consequences for greater happiness.