In my post on 2-25-10 I shared the hidden role fear plays in our willingness to influence and persuade. When women accept that fear is in our imagination - we can deal with it. This was the first way to stamp out the fear we subconsciously carry with us.

But there’s another way to conquer the fear that stops our influencing power.

And that is to understand our relationship to fear. I am a huge believer in the power of relationships - from our cells to our outward expressions with people. Examine the relationship you have with yourself. Why start there? Because that’s the bedrock for everything else.

From Socrates to Freud, it is recognized that pain and pleasure are serious motivators. So, what’s that little voice telling you to avoid? It’s something from your past that conditions you to relate whatever is causing your fear to pain.

Since the desire is strong for women to avoid this pain we build assumptions leading to flawed conclusions - conclusions based only on your thoughts (fears) at that time.

Here’s the secret we all know. Our assumptions are usually wrong because they are based on fear!

How do we know? Because our intuition (and hindsight) continues to show us every time.

Once women understand their relationship to fear then we can be safe around it. We can choose an empowering response that is an expression of our real self – not our past programming.

You see, women are fearful of what others are thinking of us when we express our influence or persuade. It’s about the unseen messages we incorporate into our decisions and actions.

Our deep fear is that our efforts to influence will fall short. But our deeper fear is that we will be powerful beyond measure. Fear conditions us to ask, “Who do I think I am to be remarkable, brilliant and talented?” Fear snatches our opportunity to share our power of persuasion. There is no prize for shrinking so others won’t feel insecure around you. We were meant to shine.

Women have learned they can feel successful once they have approval – external approval. Forget external approval. Rather pay attention to your internal approval.

Listen to your intuition. Intuition or ‘inner fluency’ tells us when and how to influence people. Don’t let fear constrict you from being who you are – a woman of persuasion.

The generation before us played games or tricks to exert influence. Does this sound familiar? “Let it be your father’s idea?” How funny - but it still happens.

Here’s the good news, (there is always good news!) women are learning to openly demonstrate their power of persuasion. Unfortunately, often being ignored or simply made fun of.
Being brave in the face of such scrutiny requires a leap of faith. From a rational standpoint, it's frightening to consider because faith is just as irrational as fear- but faith is more powerful than fear- it can, once you've committed to it, allow you to choose the mode in which you respond to your fear.
How can women defeat their fears around influence and persuasion? By adjusting their individual and shared thinking, assumptions, and behavior. Shared thinking you say? Yes. Shared in the way of how women as a group believe themselves to be. No. we are not our mothers or grandmothers. Only in the good sense.

What’s the benefit of tackling your fear around influence? Finding new respect, increased self-confidence, and greater security – all from you. You will get more things done, orchestrate needed change, and be the influence so many need. Remember, as you liberate yourself from your fear your influence will shine.

Here’s the recap:
• Fear exists in your mind – it’s how you view it (or told to view it)
• Women are controlled through fear (their own)
• Fear is a woman’s most self-limiting emotion
• Fear is a cultural script, i.e., society’s instructions to women
• The impact of fear is determined by our feelings of influencing
• Fear is your (trained) response to being an influencer

How can women change these rules? How can YOU change these rules?

Author's Bio: 

Karen Keller, Ph.D. is an expert in women’s leadership and assertiveness training. She is also a successful entrepreneur and author. She specializes in the skills of influence and persuasion, executive coaching, mentoring, sales techniques, management development training, motivational speaking, personal life coaching, and corporate training. Discover Influence It! Real POWER for Women now! For your free subscription visit