Breastfeeding was a choice I made before my son was born, not because I personally did the research, but instead because I trusted what seemed to be words of wisdom from my husband as well as his rather large family of nursing mothers. Everyone did it. Every child turned out healthy. I am thankful to them all for their encouragement while nursing. But no one quite told me how long to breastfeed or how to quit when he got older. Why? I didn't know then, but now I realize that weaning is different for everyone and there is no real answer.

I nursed longer than I ever thought imagined. I will always want to do what's best for my child, but unlike every woman in the universe claims to feel, my personal DNA did not react to breastfeeding that well. I felt like a man who was forced to do something that only a certain number of women righteously do. I sadly never fully enjoyed nursing like most mothers...

Mentally, I felt trapped. Not from being a mother, because I absolutely love being one, and I thank God every day for giving me my baby. I felt trapped from being a breastfeeding mother. I did not want to nurse in public. So nursing on demand often meant it was best to stay home often. Any time I did make the bold move to venture out with my child, I dreaded when he'd ask for "boobie"...for whatever the reason. Eventually, I dreaded whenever he asked for "boobie"...and there should never be that sort of feeling when it comes to spending time with my child. I could not help how I felt. That alone made me sad.

Physically, I sometimes felt like I was dying inside. Literally. Again, I could not help how I felt or naturally I would have. In spite of eating gigantic portions of primarily healthy foods and resting as much as humanly possible, I felt drained, exhausted, eventually resulting in feeling depressed and hopeless. How could other women love nursing so much? I was never like most women before, so what on earth made me think I could be like most women now?

Nevertheless, I endured for what seemed like a couple of very long years, nursing the most important human being in my world and I did so out of pure love. So did I ever enjoy nursing? Of course I did. La Leche League consultants throughout New York City have gotten to know me well, as I often called them over the years for professional advice on how to continue successfully nursing. God knows, my son and I shared many private, tender moments together while I breastfed him. The happy look on his face, the comfort of being with his mommy, the playful giggles and coos as or after he fell asleep in my arms....They are unforgettable and touching...But we can still share many moments like that now that he's no longer nursing...

Yes, I was a proud breastfeeding mother. Now, I am a proud mother. As hard as it was to nurse on demand 24/7 for the entire two and a half years I breastfed, I never imagined it would be even more difficult to wean in just a week or so.

Winter solstice was the day I chose to quit breastfeeding. That day was the direct opposite of my favorite time of the year. On the first day of Spring I gave birth to my beautiful, wonderful baby boy, that particular year being a day after Father's Day. What a blessed gift for my husband. What an amazing gift for my lifetime. Having a child changes your life in so many ways. People often talk about it, but no one can ever describe the feeling as accurately as you feel the first time you actually see, hear, and hold your baby...

From the moment of birth, you want to do anything for your baby. You want to give your child the world. That is, understandably so, how I felt and continue to feel. And that is why I immediately started breastfeeding. From the minute I held my son, I cuddled him and led him to my breasts for milk, although my milk hadn't let down yet, and in spite of my worry whether or not I could produce milk.

Who knew, years later, I would still be capable of lactating to the point of engorged breasts within minutes of releasing milk from them when weaning? Not many women are capable or willing to nurse as long. There's nothing right or wrong about that. Any length of time nursing is beneficial to a child. And although I did eventually read about children choosing to self-wean, that clearly wasn't the case for my child.

The first time I said "no more" to "boobie please" he threw a fit. The tantrum of all tantrums, even though he never really had one before. And unlike other children who can just be held, he made it clear in his own special way that he was not going to easily be distracted or tricked into forgetting about what was happening, in the form of a deceitful parental hug. In his own way, he told me..."don't insult my intelligence...I'm way too smart for that". So I tried talking to him, but his anger only increased and my sadness became overwhelming.

Many pundits and preachers about weaning from breastfeeding never really give any actual advice on how to kindly wean. As to those who suggest you let your baby "cry it out"...for anything...they should pray a day never comes when they're severely distraught over something, but everyone they love, trust, and depend upon let them "cry it out" and intentionally, cruelly...ignore them...

Other experts suggest to either wait until your child self-weans or pretty much wiggle your nose at the twinkle of a star and supernaturally quit. Whether it's a slow process or abruptly but gently stopping, there's no real step-by-step guide, and no custom-made guaranteed plan with instructions for happily and peacefully weaning your own child. So what all did I do?

I embraced him, regardless of the fact that he didn't seem to want me to, and I respectfully looked into his eyes with compassion, allowing him to get his frustration out by yelling at me while I held him calmly. I even cried quietly with him. I let him know, just from my actions, that we were in this weaning process together and he'd be fine. I held him with all my heart, praying to God, and even my ancestors, asking for supreme spiritual guidance to help us both feel peace and calm.

I did pretty much whatever it took at whatever hour it took. Holding him, rocking him to sleep in my arms, caressing his hair, playing his favorite videos and cuddling him to sleep was also what I did. Co-sleeping went hand in hand with nursing, in our home. But in spite of no longer wanting to nurse, I did not want to stop sleeping next to my baby. He needed me closer to him than ever...I did too.

Those following days, I expressed some breast milk into his hot chocolate...yes, his hot chocolate...and his oatmeal...for added nutrition as well as to reassure myself that he was continuing to receive nutrients from me even during this weaning process. Wasting milk that God made for him felt like a sin, and I felt guilty as sin eventually for denying him my breast milk...which was actually his breast milk. I don't care how old he is, he is my baby...

Christmas at 5am was definitely a wake-up call. My son woke up screaming. My breasts had a burning "pins-and-needles" feeling. My milk seemed to be drying...but all I cared about was "is he ok"? I started to worry even more and wonder..."Am I wrong to be weaning now? What's wrong?! God help us." My embracing him did nothing, as he seemed to cling so closely, as if he wanted to climb into my skin.

I felt his agony, yet couldn't figure out how to help him besides the usual nursing. My husband, a doctor, walked in and quietly said a few meaningless words to me. He was only trying to help. Everyone seems to think they have all the answers when no one truly knows the pain felt when taking something so precious as breast milk away from your child. Then somehow, my son held onto me his closest, but with less distress, and calmed down. He didn't seem to calm down from anything in particular. He simply calmed down...just because...

Then he woke up again. Oh boy. With swollen breasts, an already heavy heart, and a normally titanium tough interior that suddenly felt like it wanted to explode, I wasn't well. So I went running to the bathroom. I did not intentionally leave him. But he didn't know that...and screamed. "How could she try to feel better when I wasn't?!" That seemed to be his attitude and that seemed to be how I felt in some way too. I quickly helped myself, came back to help him, he carried on a bit, then seemed to soothe himself back to sleep. Keeping him calm didn't work when I lied down, but instead when I sat up beside him.

Again I started to wonder..."Is something wrong because of my choice to stop nursing"? Fear kicked my already aching body. But I remained as calm as I could for him. God help us...

God helped us. My son woke up shortly after dozing off, wanting to eat "oatmeal please" and "play with crayons". So that is exactly what we all did. "Daddy too." We all got up and had an early breakfast together, colored with crayons, and snuggled up together on our family sofa afterwards. My brave little boy hugged and kissed me, as if to say "I'm fine and I love you so much." My husband held my hand to comfort me while I unknowingly showed signs of aching breasts.

As my breasts ached, I felt tremendous guilt for not allowing my child to continue nursing. Eventually I reminded myself that he nursed beyond the one year as suggested by the American Academy of Pediatrics, beyond the two years as suggested by the World Health Organization, he is bright, happy, healthy, and capable of eating all foods and drinking lots of healthy drinks on his own, and the two and half years that I nursed him is already enabling him to live a very healthy life with some benefits I know, along with many others I will never know, but they are there and in place now. He is thriving. God willing, he will continue to thrive. In my heart, I believe this and I pray that he will continue to be fine.

So we played with presents that we opened days earlier, celebrated the birth of Jesus, and cherished another blessed holiday with our wonderful, magical child. Yes, my anxieties and fears are still real. But not as vivid and not as frightening as when my nursing hormones were in full effect. Surely they will fade away as my son flourishes and shines, but being a parent will always entail some degree of worry and concern. Just not a feeling of going crazy. Or not for long.

Just like breastfeeding, weaning is also a personal decision that should only be between you and your child. If you're fortunate enough like me to have a supportive partner as well as other family members who respect your choices, great. If not, you just stay focused on your baby, your goals, and your life together. Remember, you're in charge, not them. Regardless, keep in mind that God is the only one who truly knows what's best for you and your child...which means decide anything...He is the one always guiding follow your heart...gather your spiritual strength...because eventually everything works out for the best...and as it is meant to be...

I have absolutely no regrets for anything in my life. No regrets for the mistakes, life's valuable and painful lessons, the worries, the unexpected joys, the triumphs...or the breastfeeding. I am grateful for my wonderful life as well as the decisions that I have made. I no longer think of what made me want to end this nursing chapter, but instead the unconditional love for my child that made me want to start nursing to begin with.

I will always remember the challenges of breastfeeding...I will always be happy I did it...and I will always remember the fact that, through it all, I was a success in doing it.

What else helped?

Expressing just enough milk to not be engorged. Once I realized this, I finally got relief. Remember not to remove too much milk or you will only discover even more milk has replaced it...meaning engorged breasts again.

Getting a monthly period totally seemed to "reset" my body, and my mindset, back to the way it was before the pregnancy and nursing hormones took over. As giving birth instantly got rid of the nausea...weaning eventually got rid of most of my anxiety and depression.

Continued well-balanced meals for me are pertinent. Not because I'm a health fanatic, but because good nutrition restores the body and is even more necessary when keeping up with an active little boy.

Wine. Not too much though. But enough. It's amazing how much more relaxed I can be after one glass.

Books and games. Lots of them. Different ones. Rather than wanting to nurse, he now wants to play, and read.

Organic snacks. In between meals, not as a substitute. Not only do they provide extra calories and nutrition, but more quality time together at the dining table.

Food, food, food. Instead of worrying about my son getting enough nutrition from breast milk, which actually turned out to be nothing I ever needed to worry about anyway, I continue to give him as healthy and balanced a selection of food and beverages as possible. Well, we still have more chocolate milk than I prefer, but instead of mixing cocoa with breast milk, he is fine with almond milk.

Going with the flow. Our sleep pattern might be offbeat because we're not all in bed by 8pm, but then again, is it always normal for everyone? I'd rather our family go to bed happy at any time, than to not stay up all night from unsuccessful weaning.

Once you've weaned...or even if you never nursed to begin with...there's nothing like holding your child with your skin touching. In doing so, my son feels my warmth, love, and spirit. Regardless of the ailment, skin therapy provides omnipotent healing.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. My son even gives them to me a lot more now...and they are gold.

Kisses from the closest individual to you at midnight are classic on New Year's day...but hugs and kisses from my husband and child, on any day, are sheer magic. My son might have been frustrated and didn't particularly want them at first, but in knowing that weaning from nursing does not mean mommy's love is disappearing along with the breast milk, he is now fine...and enjoys hugs and kisses from mommy all the time.

Author's Bio: 

GODDESSY, a portmanteau of "goddess" and "odyssey", was founded in October 1999 by Playboy Centerfold, spokesmodel and author Stephanie Adams, who originally wrote under the pen name "Sorceress". Adams is currently the author of two dozen metaphysical books, astrology calendars and tarot cards, in addition to having been the astrologist and contributing editor for 10 publications as well as a renowned psychic and tarot card reader. Adams is a Leo, born July 24, 1970, raised in New York City, and is an interracial mix of Black, White and American Indian. According to her Playboy pictorial, Adams is the direct descendant of two U.S. presidents, John Adams and John Quincy Adams, later discovering that her lineage also traces back to the House of Plantagenet, Charlemagne, and Merovingian Dynasty. Adams has been featured in and on numerous magazine covers as well as various newspapers such as New York Post, Daily News, Newsday, etc. as well as TV channels 2 (CBS), 4 (NBC), 5 (FOX), 7 (ABC), 9 (WOR) 11 (WPIX), NY 1 News, CNN, etc. and other media such as Entertainment Tonight, The Late Show With David Letterman, Playboy TV, etc. Aside from her active modeling and writing career, Adams decided to dedicate most of her time investing in Fortune 500 companies, enabling her to become a self-made millionaire before the age of 30. Now Adams has decided to dedicate most of her time towards philanthropy, and developing as much of a private life as she can possibly have. Complete book, press information and photos can be found by visiting and