What someone may find is that although they want to be in a loving relationship, they have pushed at least one person away who was like this. It might have taken them a little while to see this, though.

The reason for this is that for a little while after, they might have believed that they didn’t play a part in what took place. For example, they might have believed that the other person was the problem and/or that something ‘out there’ was to blame.

The Dust Has Settled

But, by stepping back and reflecting on what took place, it will have been possible for them to see clearly. Still, they could struggle to understand why they would have behaved in this way.

They might even come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with them, especially as they will want to be in a loving relationship. After this, they could feel very low and totally helpless.

A Key Step

While laying into themselves is not going to serve them, they will have come a long way by seeing that they played a part in what took place. If they hadn’t got to this point and just blamed what was going on externally, it would be a lot harder for them to change their life.

It will now be important for them to keep in mind that they most likely didn’t consciously choose to push the other person away. As a result of this, it will be essential for them to put their self-blame to one side and to be curious.

One Step Back

When they think about their last relationship or just one of their relationships that came to an end, that’s if this has taken place on more than one occasion, they might see that the relationship was going well and then it changed. It was then not a case of it going well and then it ended.

Consequently, they might see that when it was going well they felt uncomfortable and when it wasn’t going well, they felt comfortable. Therefore, when the other person was warm it wouldn’t have felt right and when they were cold it would have felt right.

Many Parts

Or perhaps to be more accurate, a big part of them would have felt comfortable when the other person changed. Going even deeper, they might see that they did certain things to make this act cold.

Once again, this is likely to have been something that took place unconsciously. For example, they might see that they gradually became less attentive, argumentative and less available.

The Outcome

Naturally, their partner would have responded to what was going on but that’s not to say that this is something that they always consciously chose to do. Due to this, one is likely to have continued to change their behaviour, feeling as though they had every right to retaliate.

Their partner would then have had an even bigger reason to behave in the same way and, before long, the relationship would have fallen apart. At this point or perhaps after it had come to an end, they might have tried to change what was going on.

What’s going on?

What could soon enter their mind is why a big part of them is unable to feel comfortable being in a loving relationship and has the need to be in a relationship that is anything but loving. If this is something that they have experienced on a number of occasions or even once, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing.

Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been physically harmed, verbally put down and/or abandoned. This would then have been a time when they were treated as though they had no value and were unlovable.

The fallout

As they were egocentric, what took place would have been personalised. In reality, what took place was not a sign that they were worthless or unlovable; it was a sign of how wounded their parent or parents were.

Now that they are an adult, what took a place will be over, but a big part of them is going to have the need to be loved. This part of them will cause them to unconsciously recreate their early dynamic so that they can finally be loved.

The Same Story

But, as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that another person is not their parent, they won’t be able to meet their unmet developmental needs. For them to no longer recreate their early struggle for love and to feel comfortable being in a loving relationship, they will most likely need to face the pain that they experienced by not being loved and experience their unmet developmental needs.

This is not going to be easy and it won’t take place overnight, which is why this is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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