In order for someone to be able to freely express themselves, they will need to feel safe enough to do so. So, if they don’t feel safe, they are likely to have the need to hide who they are and please others.

In this case, their attention won’t be on what is taking place inside and outside of them, it will primarily be on what is taking place around them. Therefore, they are not going to have a good connection with their needs and feelings.

On The Surface

What this shows, then, is that as they don’t feel safe, they won’t be able to inhabit their body. If they did, there would be no reason for them to be so caught up in what a going on externally.

The outcome of this is that they would be able to be in their body and in tune with their needs and feelings. Moreover, it would be normal for them to express themselves as opposed to pleasing others.

The Norm

However, although living in this way won’t allow them to live a fulfilling life, it could just be what is normal. If so, they won’t realise that they are out of touch with themselves and are focused on others.

Consequently, they might not even be aware of the fact that they don’t feel safe. But, as living in this way is not serving them, they might soon come to see that they are living in the wrong way.

A Bleak Existence

In the meantime, they can often suffer from anxiety and fear. But, as they won’t feel grounded and be rooted in their own body, this is not going to be much of a surprise.

Living on the surface of themselves is naturally going to lead to a very unstable existence. And, if they don’t focus on others and try to please them, there are likely to be more moments when they feel edgy and the edginess that they experience could be more intense.

Stepping Back

After a while, they could get to the point where they start to become aware of how anxious they often feel and how they often ignore their own needs. Upon realising this, they could wonder why they are this way.

They could come to the conclusion that they have a chemical imbalance, for instance. If they do, this is likely to show that they live in a society where most if not all mental problems are seen as being caused by this issue.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, if they were to look back on their life, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Assuming that this is so, it could illustrate that their early years were anything but nurturing.

Throughout this time, they may have been abused in a variety of different ways. They may have been physically harmed, verbally put down and isolated.

A Brutal Time

By being treated in this way, they would have been deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. What this would have done is stop them from developing a felt sense of safety, belonging, lovability and worth.

As they were powerless and totally dependent, it wasn’t possible for them to fight back or to run away and find another family. Their only option was to adapt to what was going on.

The outcome

This would have involved their brain repressing how they felt and a number of their needs and them disconnecting from themselves. Being aware of their feelings and needs would have been too much for them to handle; if this hadn’t taken place, they wouldn’t have been able to keep it together and function.

Not being rooted in their body and living up top and being focused on what was going on externally, would have also been a way for them to minimise the harm that was done to them. But, even though they had lost touch with themselves and would have done their best to please them, they are still likely to have been harmed.

Coming Back Down

What took place will be over, that much is clear, but a big part of them won’t be able to accept this. They are likely to be carrying a lot of pain and a number of unmet developmental needs.

Facing and feeling this pain and experiencing these needs is going to take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their lie, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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