I remember hearing years ago from a man I studied with, that he and his wife had an agreement: she was to say "yes" to him every time he wanted sex. It was the condition for the fulfillment of their monogamy promise. "If you want me to only have sex with you, then you need to provide for and take care of my need for sex."

I was intrigued. Their agreement made sense to me logically. But my feminist mind questioned such a promise. What if she didn't want to have sex with him? What then? Did she do it anyway? Was she ever betraying her own integrity by doing something she didn't want to? How was that empowering? What about personal responsibility? How come he couldn't just take care of the need himself through self-pleasuring? Why did "she" have to be the one to fulfill?

A few weeks ago, I heard someone say, that when women do not provide sex for their partners, they put their partners in an integrity bind: "I have a promise to be faithful, yet I have an unfilled need. To take care of my promise, I have to betray my need, but to take care of my need, I have to betray my promise." Hmmmm, Integrity bind - I can get that.

Many say that sex is a biological need. I would assert that it is also a spiritual need. Sex not only provides relief from stress and tension, but allows us to connect with who we are. It brings together the spiritual and the physical like no other activity. It not only replenishes our bodies as we release endorphins in pleasure, but sex nourishes our soul too. As we surrender to the delightfulness of being present and the deliciousness of joining with our beloved, we let worries about the future and tensions fall away. This surrendering to power and love and energy moving through us in the moment is akin to voluntarily handing ourselves over to this mysterious life force, giving ourselves over to God. We let it take us where it will and we are renewed in the process. When we finally emerge from love's alter, we are more vibrant, relaxed and loving, ready to embrace our lives anew. Sex is a lot like sleep in that way. It is re-energizing. Connecting. Empowering. Grounding.

To deny ourselves and our beloved this experience is to deny much more than we realize. My partner and I can absolutely feel the difference in us energetically when we have gone more than 2 or 3 days without making love. We get a bit out of sync, both individually and as a couple. Conversely, making love restores our connection to ourselves and each other, and re-connects us with God. I can feel the re-calibration energetically of our vibration in the middle of our lovemaking. As we keep sinking deeper and deeper into the experience, we sink deeper and deeper into ourselves. I can feel the renewal spiritually in both of us.

I remember hearing years ago, that some teacher could tell by looking at people whether or not they were expressed sexually in their life. There was some quality of aliveness and sparkle he could detect as present or missing. I always wondered how I looked, all those years, when in my previous relationship we were not sexual with each other at all. It was one of the only aspects of our relationship that didn't work, where we were not a match. But I can see now, that our sexual incompatibility bled over to affect our overall lack of calm, sweet, intimate grounding as a couple, and ultimately, our lack of connection to our authentic Self. It was this missing of sexual expression that eventually led to our divorce.

There was a quote on the back of a book I picked up yesterday, Love Book, which read, "Have an affair with your mate before someone else does!" As much as we might say otherwise, sex does matter. That is why long-term asexual couples have affairs that often lead to divorce. Sex is a vital aspect of who we are, the place where Heaven and Earth come together, where separation and oneness meet. It is restorative in more ways than we may ever know.

Now that I am married to one with whom sex flows, and I am aware of the immense benefits to us both of making love regularly, I find myself saying "yes" to him whenever he asks. I WANT to say yes. I have an intention to always say yes. I find myself wanting to stop everything and give this restorative surrendering experience, not only to him, but to myself. And even if I do not have sexual energy running per se, I can still give myself over in love to him. Because I am nourished not just by sexual pleasure and orgasms, but I am nourished by giving, nourished by being desired, nourished by being held energetically, nourished by surrendering to this mysterious force moving through us both...

It never occurred to me back then when I first heard this man talk of his sex arrangement, that his wife might have actually wanted that agreement. That she was saying yes to herself when she said yes to him. That she was saying yes, not only to Sex, but to something else much bigger, something more grand and life giving then I knew.

My husband acknowledged me the other day in front of 7 other couples. He said, "I appreciate how you surrender to me, without giving up your Self." Long ago, I thought to surrender like that was a sign of weakness. Now I know it takes great power and confidence and a knowing of Self to voluntarily and lovingly surrender like that. It takes a powerful woman to surrender to her partner sexually, it takes a powerful woman connected to her Shakti to say "yes" to her mate. (Now granted, it also takes a present partner who can attentively and mindfully "hold" his woman where she feels safe enough to surrender, but that is another topic for another time.)

I am convinced the world would be a safer place for us all if more women said "yes". As Alison Armstrong said, "if you knew what sex gave to men, you would "want" to give it to them." I would add, "if you knew what sex gave to you, you would "want" to give it to yourself."

Author's Bio: 

Sonika Tinker is passionately committed to shifting the current relationship paradigm from blame, resignation and scarcity to one of joyful, expansive, delightful co-creation. She helps men and women consciously co-create relationships full of laughter, self- expression, deep intimacy and personal empowerment. She has over 30 years experience coaching singles and couples on the issues of relationship, has designed and led hundreds of trainings and touched the lives of thousands.

Sonika Tinker, MSW, is a Relationship Specialist, Certified NLP ProfessionalTM, Certified Enneagram Teacher (with Helen Palmer) and Founder of LoveWorks, a relationship training company. She is co-author of Seize Your Opportunities: Living a Life Without Limits.

Sonika is an energetic, inspiring, educational coach, leader and speaker. She is recognized for her deep loving presence, her authentic, candid honesty, her lazer insight, cutting edge content and practical tools for change. Sonika’s inspiring teaching & coaching includes humorous and moving stories and exercises designed to motivate and educate, all accompanied by a contagious laugh no one ever forgets!