I have spent the last two weeks in a pile of books. I have read books on sex, on Tantra, on advanced energy techniques, on the human body, on spirit, etc. Honestly, my brain feels like it’s going to explode!

The thing that struck me as I read all of these different books is that everything all came down to simply softening into the Universe. If you want better sex then you have to soften, otherwise you will be unable to connect and experience. If you choose not to soften then you will cut off portions of your experiences, and then you will truly miss out. If you want to feel your energy and/or help others move energy the key is not to grip your mind or clench onto the energy – otherwise you will lose that fragile connection. Instead you are supposed to soften into it. These same concepts apply to spirit, tantric techniques, and dare I say life.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned over the years has been the tighter you hold onto something the greater chance you have of killing that very thing. Take a second to think of the tiny bird that falls from the tree. You go over and pick it up but are afraid to have too light of a grip for fear of it escaping or hurting itself further. So you grip the tiny bird. The bird starts to wiggle, starts to peck, starts to cry out for help. The more it wiggles, the tighter you grip. One of two things is going to happen. 1) It will break free and will never let you get ahold of it again, or 2) You will squish it to death because of your desire to hold on.

I know for many this occurrence often manifests itself in relationships. Often times we love so much and care so much that instead of giving that person room to grow, progress, and be themselves we instead end up making them feel smothered. This looks like love but truly it is only taking control of someone else for our own benefit. The old saying goes, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t they never were.- Kahlil Gibran”.

I have learned and continue to learn the hard way that when we soften into our lives and what the Universe has in store for us blessings will have an easier time entering our lives. It’s a hard lesson and one that, unfortunately, my monkey brain has to keep learning over and over again in life. When we try to manifest anything in our lives with force we end up blocking the very thing that we are attempting to attract. There is passion, which is a beautiful and wonderful thing, there is putting effort out to make our dreams become a reality, there is dreaming and having belief in your ability… and then there is gripping something so tightly that it dies.

I believe this process to be harder for some than it is for others based upon one’s personality, past emotional wounding, previous personal growth, and also a person’s spiritual belief. If you believe that the Universe will take care of you in the end and that you will be okay, then it is much easier to soften as opposed to an instance where you believe your God/Universe is punishing and will not take care of you and will only watch your suffer needlessly. However, softening into life is a process that only becomes easier when you put it into practice.

So how does one “soften”? There are many techniques but here are just a handful you can try:

Breathe! - One of the best ways to soften if you find yourself working too hard or holding too tightly to a person, thought, or situation is to take a few minutes to breathe and feel your body. Pay attention to whether they are short shallow breaths or if they are deep belly breaths. Stay with your breath until you have had a few minutes of successful deep belly breathing. It also can be helpful to picture breathing out the stress, constriction, or situation as you exhale.
Meditation - This goes along with the breathing but take time to try to guide your monkey mind away from the situation. There are many ways to meditate, and so find what works best for you. Remember, the main point is to try to clear your mind. You can even visually picture yourself letting go of the situation.
Faith - Reminding yourself of your personal beliefs surrounding life and God and the Universe can be helpful in times like these. I often will repeat a mantra such as, “The Universe is guiding me towards my highest good” in order to remind myself to surrender.
Letting Emotion Out - Often times people hold onto something so tightly because they are experiencing a stuck emotion. At this point, it’s best to take some time alone and have a good cry, journal without thinking, or throw a mini tantrum! This allows us to get the energy moving in our bodies and opens us up to the ability to soften and accept our humanness.

This process is not a perfect one, and as humans we will all fall and have to get back up. The importance lies in the acknowledgment of the process and being your own Witness – that’s when things change. Certain areas of your life might be harder to let go of than others… pay attention to these areas, because they have a message. In my own life I find it most difficult to soften into giving people space based upon my own past wounding. So when I find myself clutching onto people, I know that breathing through this is going to be rockier than say softening into a situation that makes me angry. If one area is creating more difficulty than usual, then there is probably something there that needs to be explored or even simply acknowledged.

Be gentle and patient with yourselves!


Addison B.

Author's Bio: 

Addison Bell is a local Tantric Practitioner, Experiential Sex Coach, and Body-Image Expert. She is known for her fierce passion for helping others reach their life potential.
Over the last 10 years Addison has gathered a multitude of skills and knowledge and has integrated these modalities into her own Tantric healing blend. Addison has a Master's in Counseling and has training/certifications in sexuality, body-image, Reiki, and other experiential techniques.
It has been a long and beautiful road for Addison to get to her current life path. She was raised in a Catholic family with strict ideals surrounding sex, marriage, and sin. She spent years internalizing societal messages which she would later overcome and become an advocate for in her work. After childhood sexual abuse, rape, an eating disorder and extreme sexual shame Addison knew she needed a change. With the help of a few beautiful souls she decided to step into her sex, her truth, and simply her life. Addison has found her way to an abundant and fulfilled life and now takes joy in bringing these gifts to others through a variety of methods.
Addison views our sexual fulfillment as a reflection of how we are living the rest of our lives. She is a raw and honest individual that uses both her years of experience & her personal journey to help people to move forward. Clients are refreshed by her open and honest approach to issues of body-image, sexuality, desire, and shame. www.addisonbell.net