Surviving Divorce: What happens when he leaves

When you walk down the aisle to your waiting prince charming you are not thinking about returning to life alone. Unfortunately it happens, with 40-50% of marriages ending in divorce (source). What happens when your idea of married bliss falls apart? How do you cope and where do you turn when the dream becomes a relational nightmare? The good news is there is help out there, and with some strength and support you will get through it and thrive again on the other side.

1. Deal with the Stress

According to the Holmes And Rahe Stress Scale next to the death of a partner, divorce is rated the 2nd most stressful event an adult can face. It is not unusual for many people facing a relationship breakdown to find this an extremely difficult time, mentally & emotionally. Knowing this you will need to know how you are going to deal with the stress. Exercise & healthy eating, support groups, seeing a psychologist, faith-based community, finding time for some new leisure activities or travel are all healthy ways to deal with stress. Avoid the negative behaviours many of us default to when stressed and you will go a long way to coming through this.

2. Find a Family Lawyer

The sooner you right a trusted, experienced divorce lawyer the more likely you will find a better outcome. We might not like to think about it, but having the right advice early and not being rushed into finding a lawyer under the pressure of being served with a letter will make a huge difference to your well-being. Engage and instruct a recommended family lawyer as soon as your relationship is on the rocks. Gain initial advice and make sure you get clarification on all your rights and responsibilities to safeguard your future.

3. Secure yourself Financially

Every couple deals with their finances differently. What’s important is knowing how you and your ex-partner have your finances structured. It is common for the spouse who predominantly deals with the finances to either cut off access to the funds or to move funds for their own benefit. Whilst the courts will ultimately rule on such matters, it is important to secure yourself financially in the meantime.

4. Embrace your emotions

Some days will be a haze of tears and anger. Others will be relatively normal. That’s ok. You will face a wide range of emotions as you deal with and process the overwhelming set of changes you now face in your life. You need to know that is normal. But it won’t last forever. Process your anger. Cry your eyes out. Face your fears. Deal with the emotion of being disappointed. But just now that this too shall pass and you will come through the other side.

5. Redefine Reality

People that grow and develop, have the ability to see themselves as evolving as people rather than being set and stuck in who they are. Your reality has changed, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay the same. Choose to see your new circumstances as an opportunity rather than a curse. Doing this will set you up for a successful future.

6. Spend time with those that love you

Your love life might’ve taken a blow, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. There are people in your life who care about you deeply. In moments of rejection, we can retreat and pull away. You might even believe this is what you need. But don’t fall into the trap of allowing that to become a way of life. Allow others in your life to show they love you and embrace those relationships. Whether it is family or friends, knowing you are loved and valued and appreciated is so important. Rekindle & deepen those relationships as you reorient your new life.

7. Focus on the Future

One of the challenges we face is the emotions of wondering what if, what could’ve been, not to mention the hurt of unfulfilled hopes & dreams. There will be time to grieve, but as soon as you can, set your sights on the future. You have a life to live. You have a new future to navigate, discover and explore. Good things are in store for you. Find the courage to see the future through positive eyes and you will thrive.