There are many people going through the pain of divorce and breakup in our society today. Some have asked for the breakups, while others were blindsided by it. Most, however, struggle with the fallout of being alone.

Below are five tips for getting through the pain of breakup or divorce:

1. Know that the way you are feeling now will change. In fact, your feelings can change by the day or even hour. Some people are relieved, while others are distraught. Often though, break-ups are incredibly difficult and are often characterized by loneliness, despair, depression and even hopelessness. People worry they will be alone forever, they’ll never stop feeling lonely, there’s something wrong with them, etc. These feelings will -- and do -- go away as you begin to adjust to being on your own. Enroll in a divorce-support group to help you get through this difficult time. If you find your feelings are just as intense several months out, then consider meeting with a professional to rule out depression and to help support you.

2. Practice extreme self-care. Now is not the time to be taking care of everyone around you. You need to do things you like to do, be with people who fuel you -- not zap you -- and pamper yourself. Don’t medicate your feelings with food, alcohol, drugs or sex. Instead, face your feelings and comfort yourself in healthy ways (i.e. with friends, movies, journaling, massages).

3. Do not try to prove you are attractive, worthy, sexy, a good catch, etc. to yourself or to anyone else. Many people think something must be wrong with them if their relationship didn’t work out (this is especially true if their partner initiated the breakup). They then go out and find someone to hook up with so they can prove to themselves that they still have “it.” Do not do this. Know you still have it and get comfortable being alone before you desperately try to cling to someone else in an attempt to feel okay.

4. Get comfortable with yourself. Take this time to get to know your self again. Women, especially, lose themselves along the way in relationships. Now is the time to get clarity about who you are and how you want to be in this world. Get comfortable with being by yourself. Be determined to learn to like your self, regardless of who you’re with or not with. When you like who you are without someone, you will be better able to be that same person with someone.

5. Surround yourself with healthy support. Protect yourself. Hang out with people who are a good influence. Don’t hang out with girlfriends who are drinking to forget their pain, hooking up with any man they find to explore their sexuality or who are encouraging you to do the same. Stay true to yourself and surround yourself with like-minded individuals.

Regardless of whether you’re relieved, distraught or in-between the two, remember to focus your time and attention on yourself following a break-up. Don’t try to run into another relationship to soothe your pain—it will only cause more down the line. Take your time to heal, get comfortable with yourself and enjoy old friends. Gather the support you need and make sure it is healthy support. Be okay with being alone and know that, contrary to the message in movies, you do not need someone else to complete you.

CHALLENGE: Give yourself time and space to heal and re-group. Connect with old friends, journal, enjoy your children, be forgiving of yourself and trust that you will get through this. Practice extreme self-care and do so guilt-free.

Previously I shared five tips for surviving divorce, however I had a hard time ending the list there. Therefore, below are some additional tips to help you get through the pain of divorce.

1. Develop new interests, hobbies and outlets. Now that you’ve lost a key person in your life, it’s time to expand your world. Take some time to meet other people by joining a club, a class or a workshop. Think of a hobby you always wanted to try (e.g. photography, cooking, hiking) and sign up. Bring a friend if you can. If not, go and perhaps you’ll find a friend.

2. Learn from the past so you don’t repeat it. There’s no better time to explore your relationship patterns than after a break-up. Look back at this relationship with an objective lens. Are there any patterns that you notice in your relationships as a whole? Did you like how you were in this relationship? If not, why? What is the one area you need to change in terms of how you are in your romantic relationships? What would be the first step to you changing that? Do not focus on the other person—keep your eyes on you.

3. Take full responsibility. It’s way too easy to place the blame for the break-up, your unhappiness, your children’s difficulties, etc. on your partner. Don’t fall into this trap. Take control of your life -- 100%. If you’re unhappy, do what you need to address this and find the joy again. If you’re isolated, get out and meet new people. If your children are struggling, help them work through their feelings without bad-mouthing their other parent. Do what you need to do to get your life back on track and refuse to allow the divorce or break-up to take away any more of your life than it has already.

4. Forgive. Holding grudges does not serve you. Don’t waste your time or energy being resentful, revengeful or filled with rage at what happened. Too many people stew in the anger of what happened and allow it to eat away at their lives. Learning to let go of the anger and resentment is the greatest gift you can give to YOU. Letting go of this toxic energy is a necessary aspect of healing from a divorce.

5. Enjoy the freedom. One of the positives of living on your own is having more freedom to do what you’d like to do without having to worry about whether it’s okay or not for your partner. What did you like to do that your partner didn’t? What activities have you not done in years due to your relationship? Begin to explore your personal likes and dislikes and begin to incorporate your likes into your life. For example, take time to read books, see movies, go out with friends and do things you’d like to do.

Divorce is often a difficult journey for all involved. Help yourself get through this time by practicing extraordinary self-care. Incorporate the tips above, don’t isolate, but do surround yourself with healthy comforts and great friends. Don’t rush into another relationship in an attempt to get over this one. Trust that things will get better with time.

CHALLENGE: Incorporate these tips into your healing. Begin to make plans with friends and family so you are not alone during this time. Hang in there!

Author's Bio: 

Lisa Merlo-Booth is a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. She has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues.

She earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Lisa is the Director of Training for the Relational Life Institute owned by the renowned author, Terrence Real.

Check out Lisa's blog on relationships at