Surviving Infidelity

Surviving infidelity may not result in your marriage being saved, but it does include you finding the strength to live out your life in God's peace and hope. Yet, once infidelity has taken place, what are the necessary steps in surviving infidelity? The following principles are absolutely key not only for your emotionally health, but key if the relationship is going to survive.

1. Pray and ask God what He wants you to do. Cry out to Him in all your pain. Listen for His answer. Wait until you know for sure. Don’t let your spouse pressure you into making a quick decision.

2. Get godly counsel. It is impossible to be objective when you are experiencing the agony of betrayal. Listen to two or three godly people in whom you see maturity and wisdom in their personal lives. Don’t talk to just anyone.

3. Listen to them. If you have any desire for your marriage to be saved, you must make them feel safe enough to be open and honest. You need to really know where your relationship stands. But, this doesn’t mean you never express your anger and pain. I have, in all of its force, on multiple occasions over the years. Keep your wits about you and be sensitive to God’s leading for the timing.

How can you tell they are truly sorry? These factors are vital if the marriage is going to survive:

1. Does the person express a desire for the relationship and willingness to do whatever it takes for it to be restored? Infidelity is a betrayal of trust. Of couples surveyed, 63% said that trust in marriage trust in marriage is an aspect they can’t live without. For the marriage to go forward, trust must be rebuilt.

2. Is the person willing to seek godly counsel on a frequency that is comfortable for you. When there has been infidelity, it is often necessary to get professional counsel. Infidelity is usually a symptom of deeper issues in the relationship as well as in the life of the one who has committed adultery.

3. Are they willing to completely cut off the other relationship and make adjustments in their daily routine to prevent exposure to this person? You should feel like you are their first and only priority.

4. Are they willing to take a test for STD’s?

5. Do they show some understanding of the pain they have caused you and others? If they stay on the path of restoration, their understanding will increase exponentially as they become less and less self-focused. Infidelity is completely self-centered. Surviving infidelity requires an acceptance of the pain and destruction the offending spouse has caused.

6. Are they honest about the emotional depth of the relationship and any other possible previous relationships? In surviving infidelity, this matters in the restoration process. The offending spouse needs to include some facts, such as how it happened and how long it’s been going on. You don’t need the other gory details; it just gives you more in your own mind to battle. Betrayal is never purely about sex.

7. Will they stay and be patient until you are emotionally ready for physical intimacy again? In a previous article I write at length about the things that cause the fear of intimacy in a relationship.

8. Are they willing to make changes in they way you relate with each other? Doing the same thing you’ve always done will get the same results. Some things must be different.

9. Do they have a relationship with Jesus Christ and are they seeking to be restored to fellowship with Him. In surviving infidelity, it is essential to make Jesus the center of your marriage. So, in light of this, will the offending spouse allow God and the scriptures to dictate the tone and direction of the marriage?

The “Outs” God Gave for Marriage

1. Infidelity – The scriptures say, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”

Even though Jesus talks about adultery being grounds for divorce, it is an option not a command. There have been many marriages that have survived infidelity and went on to become healthy vibrant relationships.

2. Not willing to stay - Also, the scriptures say, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”

This includes being unwilling to be faithful in the marriage. It also includes a spouse who chooses divorce or refuses to live with their spouse.

In surviving infidelity, it is important to remember that God loves restoration. Yet, restoration does take work and humility from both parties. It is also important to understand that there is hope for the future if the offending spouse is unwilling to follow a path of restoration.